THE UNDERHILL'S BILL

Election 08 LiveBlog

2008-11-03T21:30:00.001-08:00

A Few Good Picks II

2007-10-19T20:32:00.000-07:00

8:30 on Friday night, here are the picks real quick. Sorry no time for explanation....

A Picks:

Miami-OH (-6) @ Temple
Air Force (-2.5) v. Wyoming
New Mexico St (-9) v. Idaho

B Picks:

Middle Tenn St (-2.5) v. Ark St
Syracuse (-3.5) v. Buffalo
Tennessee (-1) @ Alabama
Nevada (-7) @ Utah St
East Carolina (-6) v. North Carolina St.

C Picks:

UNLV (-2.5) v. Col St
Cincy (-9.5) @ Pitt
Fla St (-4.5) v. Mia Fla
Wisconsin (-23) v. Northern Ill

D Picks:

Texas Tech (+3.5) @ Missouri
USC (-17.5) @ Notre Dame
Mich St (+18.5) @ Ohio St
Tulsa (+3) @ Central Florida

Big bets were made on Air Force and New Mexico State. Excel and enjoy, my cherubs....

A Few Good Picks, Vol. I

2007-10-12T12:58:00.000-07:00

You want winners? (I think Im entitled...)

YOU..WANT...WINNERS? (I WANT THE TRUTH!)

YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH! Son, we live in a world that has games, and those games have to be picked against the spread. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lee Corso? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Pitt and you curse the Mirage. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that my picks, while sometimes wrong, make money! And my picks, though grotesque, and incomprehensible to you, make money! You don't wanna know because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want my picks online.....you NEED my picks online. We use words like chalk....upset....lock. We use these words as the backbone of a lifetime spent earning something....you use them as a punchline! I have neither the time, nor the inclination, to explain myself to gambler who succeeds under the blanket of the very picks that I provide...and then questions the manner in which I provide them! I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a sports section, and circle a winner. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to!

(Did you pick Wake over Florida State?)

I made the pick I thought I.....

(DID YOU PICK WAKE?)

You're goddamn right I did!

Whooooooooooooooooa Nellie! That's right, "the picks" are back. New environment, new title, more flare, pomp and circumstance. What was once the A,B,C's of gambling is now a well thought out and thoroughly analyzed weekly handicapping column dedicated to my favorite movie. As a primer, many of you are familiar with http://www.wormpix.blogspot.com/, where my picks used to reside. I then began a webcast of picks. For the year, I had a legitimate success rate of somewhere between 55-62%, with my top picks coming in at over 65%. This year has been rough so far. Overall record of 31-32, with no dilineation between top picks. But fear not! The karma has returned, and the effort and analysis has been ramped back up to the usual level of scrutiny. So, without further ado, I bring you the picks....

SMOKE-FILLED, COFFEE HOUSE CRAP (A picks)
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"Lt. Weinberg: They beat up on a weakling, and that's all they did. The rest is just smokefilled coffee-house crap. They tortured and tormented a weaker kid. They didn't like him. So, they killed him. And why? Because he couldn't run very fast. "
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For the mismatches that should come in well over the point spread. The underdogs should get beat by at least a touchdown more than these very soft lines...and why? Because they cant run very fast!

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Virginia Tech (-14) @ Duke: Duke has been fiesty, but I dont see any reason they will score on a VT defense that has ramped up its efforts of late. If Brandon Ore gets untracked, this should get ugly.
.
Predicted Score: VT 28, Duke 7
Actual Score: VT 43, Duke 14 (W)

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Southern Miss (-9) v. SMU: USM employs a balanced attack on offense, and just enough mettle on defense to keep down the SMU passing game. Don't be fooled by the Mustangs' performance through the air. Those numbers are mostly the result of playing from behind. At SMU this might be a closer game, but in Miss., it should be over early.
.
Predicted Score: USM 38, SMU 14
Actual Score: USM 28, SMU 7 (W)

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Central Michigan (-13.5) v. Army: I know, rooting against Army makes me hate America. So be it. I love American dollars though. Dan LeFavour has turned it on lately, and his passing exploits have made CMU nearly unstoppable against lesser foes. After struggling at home with Tulane, Army should find Michigan quite uninviting. They may fight close for a half, but will wilt as the game progresses.
.
Predicted Score: CMU 42, Army 17
Actual Score: CMU 47, Army 23 (W)

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California (-14) v Oregon State: The Beavers have been quite disappointing to say the least, but this is more a nod to the Bears playing at full strength. There is a bit of worry here in that a #2 ranking may be sufficient to have Cal looking ahead and not taking OSU seriously. But it is clear that this season is about making a statement, and Cal is focused. With a week to prepare, the Bears will air it out against a below average OSU secondary and ramp up the DeSean Jackson Heisman hype.
.
Predicted Score: Cal 45, Oregon St. 21
Actual Score: OSU 31, Cal 28 (L)

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OBJECTION. OVERRULED! (B picks)
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Lt. Weinberg: "I strenuously object?" Is that how it works? Hm? "Objection." "Overruled." "Oh, no, no, no. No, I STRENUOUSLY object." "Oh. Well, if you strenuously object then I should take some time to reconsider."
.
Games that seem so easy, you want to go the other way. But they seem easy for a reason.....they are.

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LSU (-10) @ Kentucky: Not many are falling for the allure of the underdog in this game, which makes it feel even more dangerous. But LSU is crushing people right now, and KY has been doing it with a little bit of smoke and mirrors, and alot of Andre Woodson. After a hard fought win over Florida, the Tigers should be fired up to make a statement.
.

Predicted Score: LSU 31, Kentucky 14
Actual Score: Kentucky 43, LSU 37 (L)

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Arizona St. (-12) v. Washington: I love everything ASU is doing, mostly the intensity on defense and their addition of a running game to what has been a traditionally pass heavy offense. Dennis Erickson knows what he is doing (hell, he got 4 wins out of Idaho!). Washington is up and coming, but they bring a string of lackluster performances and a freshman QB into what should be a raucus stadium. This number looked soft when it came out, and I am shocked it hasnt moved.
.
Predicted Score: ASU 35, Washington 21
Actual Score: ASU 44, Washington 20 (W)

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Michigan (-5.5) v Purdue: Everything about this game stinks. Pass happy Purdue against struggling Michigan, just one of those games that sneaks up on you when you arent looking. But these are the facts of the case: Mike Hart is running for well over 160 yards a game. Michigan's defense has been above average of late. Chad Henne is healthy. Those things, coupled with superior athletes and a home field advantage should lead to a solid cover by the Wolverines.
These are the facts of the case.....and they are, indisiputed.
.
Predicted Score: Michigan 28, Purdue 20
Actual Score: Michigan 48, Purdue 21 (W)

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Illinois (-4) @ Iowa: Trap game, I know it. I just know it. Everything says, not as good as it looks. But Iowa is not good. It's that simple. Ill gets great push up front, and Iowa simply cannot throw the ball consistently. Yes, it's on the road, but is there a team playing with more confidence than Illinois? The power rating on scoresandodds.com says this line should move 6 pts towards Iowa. I see no way in hell why.

Predicted Score: Illinois 27, Iowa 10
Actual Score: Iowa 10, Illinois 6 (L)

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INTERNAL AFFAIRS (C picks)
.
"She's disposed of two cases in three years."
"Two cases in three years, who's she handling, the Rosenbergs?"
"She's a helluva litigator, and she can crawl up a lawyer's ass with the best of them.."
"Yeah yeah, I know, all passion no street smarts."

For Joanne Galloway, who has alot of heart, and she lets it cloud her judgment. These games show the betting public going one way as a whole, letting their passion for either a big favorite or a sexy underdog effect their judgment.

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Oklahoma (-10.5) v. Missouri: The Tigers are a great story. Playing out of their minds, lead by an underrated defense and a lights out quarterback. But this is Oklahoma. Sam Bradford has been efficient and on the mark, while the running game has been explosive and difficult for anyone to stop. Don't even think about the Col game. That's like judging USC on the Stanford game. It doesn't apply. Oklahoma is stronger, faster, and better......and at home. They win this game going away.

Predicted Score: OK 35, Missouri 14
Actual Score: OK 41, Missouri 31 (L)

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Michigan St. (-3.5) v. Indiana: This game absolutely baffles me. Indiana is another nice story, and they have played very well. At home. This will be their first real road test, and despite the Spartans' problems at home last week, I dont see how Indiana can expect to exploit the same weaknesses NW did. Look for MSU to push the Hoosiers around with thunder and lightening running the ball (Ringer and Caulchuk), while the best pass rush in the conference has Kellen Lewis scrambling all day.

Predicted Score: MSU 31, Indiana 21
Actual Score: MSU 52, Indiana 27 (W)

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San Jose St. (+17) v. Hawaii: Dare I say it, the Spartans are a sexy upset pick here. The line has moved tremendously, but I would risk any money line they gave me. Hawaii is suspect, and a good pass defense can rattle them. A hobbled Colt Brennan will look at a pass D that surrenders 186 yards a game, and will be fired up at home. No, there wont be a significant crowd, but this is a decent SJSU team led by a quality quarterback that should keep things interesting up to the very end.

Predicted Score: Hawaii 35, San Jose St. 31
Actual Score: Hawaii 42, San Jose St 35 (W)

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Arizona (+21) @ USC: I know, I just said don't judge the Trojans on the Stanford game. I'm not. I am judging them on the fact that Mark Sanchez will start, and even in limited duty, he has yet to demonstrate he can be an effective replacement for Booty. What last week did show was that when the passing game struggles, the team struggles. Arizona has ramped up their offense of late (300 pass yds per game) and has a decent enough defense to keep this game close. Look for USC to be economical, and keep this a low scoring affair.

Predicted Score: USC 28, Arizona 7
Actual Score: USC 20, Arizona 13 (W)

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Arkansas (-3) v Auburn: Auburn is getting a lot of love, likely because of the fact they are ranked and Arkansas is not. But this is an Arkansas team running for 330 yards a game with a balanced attack and a quality defense. At home, they should be able to keep the erratic Auburn offense under wraps.
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Predicted Score: Ark 24, Aub 17
Actual Score: Auburn 9, Arkansas 7 (L)

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Fresno St. (-10) @ Idaho: I honestly have no idea why Idaho is getting all the action on this game, not after Fresno put up 48 in Nevada and showed that it's running game is operating on all cylindars. I like Fresno to ramp up the defense against a Vandal attack that will be missing its play caller. Maybe factor that in, huh betting public?
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Predicted Score: Fresno State 31, Idaho 17
Actual Score: FSU 37, Idaho 24 (W)

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Minnesota (+7) @ Northwestern: Plain and simple, Minn is better than they looked last week, and NW is worse than they looked. This is a team that lost at home to Duke, people! Up and down, lots of passing, lots of yards, the Gopher running game will be the difference in a game that should come down to a last second field goal.
.
Predicted Score: Minnesota 34, Northwestern 31
Actual Score: NW 49, Minn 48 (W)

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I'M NOT MARKINSON (D Picks)
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Lt. Markinson: "I want you to know, I'm proud neither of what I have done, nor of what I am doing."
.
I am predicting these games, but Im not proud of it.

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Ohio (-4) v. Eastern Michigan: Ohio is playing alot better, and call me crazy, but I think the Bobcats win this game by three touchdowns.

Ohio 48, EMU 42 (W)

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UAB (-3) v. Tulane: UAB just feels right.

UAB 26, Tulane 21 (W)

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Bowling Green (+1) @ Miami (OH): Absolutely ridiculous pick, but the line is close for a reason. BG can throw the ball, and if they get hot, this wont be that close.

Miami 47, BG 14 (L)

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Reggie Miller is So "Now"

2007-08-08T18:13:00.000-07:00

Reggie Miller says he is contemplating a return to the NBA, this time with the Boston Celtics.

Miller, who turns 42 on Aug. 24, played his entire 18-year career with the Indiana Pacers before retiring in 2005. Since his playing days ended he has worked as a television analyst for TNT.

"I'm always flattered when my name is mentioned as someone who can still help an NBA team win a championship," Miller said Wednesday in a statement relayed to The Associated Press by the TNT network. "I've had limited [ed. note: zero] discussions with Celtics management [ed. note: drunken fans] about their roster and a potential [ed. note: nonexistent] role for me. At this time, I'm enjoying my role as an analyst with TNT."

What a jackass. Two main problems with quote:

1-- The use of the word "still" is improper given that he NEVER WON A SINGLE CHAMPIONSHIP, and thus he has never been "someone who could help an NBA team win a championship."

2-- He shouldn't be flattered to have his name mentioned because HE'S THE ONE MENTIONING HIS NAME. Man, I love when SMP gets some press on the Underhills' Bill.

Random Notes

2007-07-20T09:25:00.000-07:00

Dogfighting Is "Inhuman, Dastardly"

While I agree that dogfighting is disgusting, and that Vick is a piece of shit, I think Sen. Byrd's response is pretty hilarious:

Democratic Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia, who has addressed lawmakers often about his love for animals, shook with emotion during a forceful condemnation of dogfighting."Hundreds of thousands -- if not millions -- of dollars are often at stake in the breeding, the training and the selling of fighting dogs. How inhuman, how dastardly!" shouted the senator.

Senator Byrd then added that he was "going to dispatch the white night forthwith" to investigate the issue.

Sorry Senator, but it appears that the White knight is otherwise occupied [ed. note: creepy]

NBA Is "Inhuman, Dastardly"

The FBI is investigating allegations that a veteran NBA referee bet on basketball games over the past two seasons, including ones in which he officiated. According to a law enforcement official, authorities are examining whether the referee made calls to affect the point spread in games on which he or associates had wagered.

Perhaps this explains my 17-bet losing streak in December-January . . . unlikely, however, given that my losses were all on football.

Personal foul, blocking, number 24. Shooter, I'm going to need you to miss two of two here.

Jersey City, New Jersey Litterers Are Inhuman, Dastardly

A Jersey City woman made a shocking discovery on her lawn this morning when she noticed a military rocket launcher lying in the grass. Niranjana Besai was leaving her house, located at 88 Nelson Street, to go to work just after 8 this morning when she spotted the launcher on her front lawn. She immediately called police.

I don't understand why this is such a news story. I've gotten drunk and dropped all kinds of shit out of my pockets . . . keys, cell phone . . . oh, wait, it was a missile launcher . . . in the Newark flight path . . . hmm, definitely wasn't me.

Bob. . . where did you put the other launcher? Fuck, Bob, not again!

ESPN Copy Editors Are ~~Inhuman, Dastardly~~ Shitty, No-Talent Hacks

Here's a sampling of recent headlines thought up by the ESPN "Braintrust":

Dog-loving demonstrators urge NFL to 'sack' Vick

See, that's funny. . . "sack," get it . . . "sack!" It means fired, and it's a football term for tackling the quarterback behind the line of scrimmage. Get it? That's gold! [as editor throws own feces in excitement]

Cheery Garcia [referring to Sergio Garcia leading the Open]

Oh, that's hilarious. It's like "Jerry Garcia," or even funnier, the Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor! Run with it!! [ed. note: "cheery" doesn't rhyme with "Cherry" or "Jerry"]

2007 Draft Diary: PART II

2007-06-29T01:48:00.000-07:00

(Due to publishing problems, I had to split this up into two parts. Please scroll down for Part I.)

12:14 - Wizards on the clock, and I demand that the NBA revoke all draft picks until they go back to being the Bullets. Washington changed their name because DC had too many murders, and they didnt want to promote violence.

I won't lie, I fully expected to mock the Wizards, but in 1995, when they changed their name, the murder count in DC was 360. In 2005, it was 195. I can't argue with that kind of production. Kudos Wizards, such a brilliant move!

Wizards take Nick Young, off guard from USC. Interesting story. Documentary about him, chronicalling his problems as a kid. You feel for the kid, but it's still no excuse to wear a cream jacket, cream shirt, cream tie and BLACK SLACKS. Unless he has an endorsement deal with Oreo, he needs to rethink that outfit.

12:20 - Kincks to get Zach Randolph for Channing Frye and Steve Francis. The Knicks fans are going crazy, including Spike who nods in approval. What a steal. Unless Francis rediscovers his game in Portland, the Blazers just got nothing. And when you have Oden and Lamarcus Aldridge, where exactly will Channing Frye fit in? Then again, Zach Randolph couldnt stay out of trouble in Portland......he should be fine in New York City, right?

Stephen A. is yelling at me again.

12:22 - Nets are up and just saved me from sure suicide by taking Sean Williams, keeping the Warriors from taking him. A guy who cared more about smoking weed than playing for Boston College. Just couldn't stop smoking. Well, he couldnt stop getting caught. Guy blocks shots, rebounds, and cant shoot. This guy couldnt hit the ground with a handful of rice.

12:24 - Nervous. Very nervous. The Warriors are on the clock without a single quality player available. Scouts like Jason Smith. Great. They liked Patrick OBryant last year too, and Im not sure he sniffed a single minute last year. I want Morris Almond. This guy is a stud. 26 a game, 45% from 3s, hits the mid range jumper, hits free throws, gets to the line 9 times a game. I understand, he did it in Conference USA, but so what? Stuckey goes lotto for scoring 25 a game in the Big Sky, so what is the problem here? Because Almond is a senior? Just goes to show what a bunch of morons NBA GMs are. Warriors loves scoring, love the three, and he would be perfect in that rotation, and would allow them to trade Monte Ellis in a package to get Yi Jianlian, who they covet.

12:28 - Wow, there it is. We knock off the Mavericks, and yet still, no respect. The Warriors pick expired during commercial break! F you ESPN, F you two times. Im tired of your bias. Here is Frodo.......Marco Belinelli. Italian shooting guard. At least they took a shooter, a guy that can come in and be a player right away. Lets go to the tape!

YES! I love this pick. Great stroke, athletic, long.....Ill assume tremendous upside, even though Bilastrator wont tell me so. This guy will produce immediately. Well done Mullin, well done!

12:32 - Jim Gray reporting about the Lakers, looking like Boggs from Shawshank.

12:35 - Lakers. Who cares. Other than everyone at ESPN of course. Javaris Crittenden. Good pick. Its been almost an entire season since they took a point guard. Crittenden can play though, and is actually an upgrade over Farmar. 6'5, quick, strong. He will be a nice addition, but he needs the ball in his hands. This is the triangle offense, and you need a PG who can shoot, not a penatrator. Kobe is the primary ball handler in this offense, which makes a guy like Crittenden a liability. They need to look to package him in a deal, or move Farmar. They really could have done better with a big at this spot. Jason Smith would have been a perfect fit. But wait, its Mitch Kupchak....ok, Im no longer surprised. That guy would draft a bowl of chili over a sno cone at a Palm Springs snack stand.

12:36 - More John McClane is a good thing, people. Yippie-ki-yay.

12:38 - Miami takes Jason Smith, and a deafening silence falls over the crowd. This is New York so they are either stunned, drunk, or both. Smith is about 7 feet tall, athletic, can hit the face up jumper. Bilas questions why Smith couldnt lead his team to more wins despite his talent. Um, because he was at Colorado State? Me, Bilas and three immigrants from the Home Depot parking lot could beat Colorado State.

12:40 - Mitch Kupchak appears to have kept his endorsement deal with Sominex. This guy gargles peanut butter. Id wear out the volume button on my remote if Stephen A and him ever had a conversation. Kupchak looks like Malcovich in In the Line of Fire, except that instead of killing the President, he is trying to kill the league's premier franchise.

I want to believe Jim Gray is wearing a rug, but in the end, if he was......is that the one he would choose? I honestly believe Hair in a Can would be an improvement for him.

12:44 - Mark Jackson just said EXACTLY what I said, pointing out that Phil Jackson won with Ron Harper at point. Fire Stephen A and give me that job! Bilas says Crittenden is a bad decision maker and turns the ball over too much....and he will be a good one. Bilas is a moron and doesn't know what he is talking about....he is a great announcer.

12:46 - Daequan Cook to the Sixers, who will trade him to the Heat for Jason Smith. Sweet pick. Because a guy who got 12 minutes in the final four is a much safer pick than a guy who scored 26.4 a game last year. Honestly, why take the next Hersey Hawkins or Allen Houston when you can get the next Dennis Hopson!

12:49 - Charlotte is back on the board. Awesome, are there any TarHeels left? Jordan is in the 19th hole playing poker and drinking scotch. They can't call him, he's likely to draft Adam Morrison again (yikes!). On that note, its a good time for me to gloat that I said Morrison and Reddick would be awful, and they were both horrid. Reread my diary from last year, and just try and ignore me calling James White a sleeper. (oops!)

12:51 - 'Cats take Jared Dudley, a 6'7 SF from BC. I really respect this pick. Not sexy, a senior who isnt super athletic. No upside potential, no length, no hooprockability or whatever is next in Bilas' crap fest of an analysis. All this guy does is make smart plays, play good defense, shoot the ball well, and work hard on the glass. Yeah, those qualities suck. Knicks are on the board, and if they dont take Derrick Byars or Almond, Ill be very disappointed. They could be a playoff team with Almond, Im saying that right now.

12:54 - Everyone and their brother says Wilson Chandler with this pick. What a mistake that would be. I know, I crushed the Balkman pick last year, and he ended up being a solid rotation guy....but on a terrible team! Does that count? Tony Campbell scored 23 a game on the T Wolves in their first couple of years, does that make him an all star? Being a valuable bench player on a horrible team is hardly my idea of a successful pick. The pieces are there to improve, but Zeke needs to get a shooter here.

12:55 - There it is. Worst kept secret this year. Wilson Chandler to the Knicks. 6'8 combo forward who was second team All BigEast. Athletic, decent player. Nice stroke inside of 15 feet. I see NOTHING that makes me think he will do anything of substance at the next level. Nothing compared to my boy Almond at least. 14.8 a game for DePaul. Sounds like a millionaire to me!
Bilas' new word this year is "second jumpability." I can't stress enough what an absolute head Bilas is. Stephen A loves the Wilson Chandler pick. Of course he does. He's an idiot.

12:57 - I am now fast forwarding through Stumanji's interviews. The fast forward button has tremendous upside.

1:00 - Phoenix takes Rudy Fernandez, a fellow Spaniard. Of course I love this pick, but it looks like he might go to Portland for cash. He has been a top Euro prospect since he was 16, so you know he can play. Has a nice stroke with a quick release. He's 6'5 and can get to the rim. This is a good pick for next year or two years from now, and if you can pair him with Sergio Rodriguez, that's a tremendous backcourt.

Best thing about this pick? Last year, Portland bought the rights to Sergio Rodriguez from Phoenix for 3 mill. Now they are supposedly buying the rights to Fernandez from Phoenix for another 3 mill. Its really great that we have a mechanism to determine the relative value of a human being. Is it possible Portland doesn't celebrate Juneteenth?

1:06 - Utah Jazz select Morris Almond. Let me recap this selection:

In the United States, larceny is a common law crime involving stealing. Under the common law, larceny is the trespassory asportation and taking of the (tangible) personal property of another with the intent to deprive him or her of it permanently. In English law, the common law offense was codified into the Larceny Act 1916. In turn, the terminology and substance was converted into theft by the Theft Act 1968

Im a little disappointed only because he was my favorite guy in this draft, and he went to my LEAST favorite team. He should have a great time in Salt Lake City. Its a party non stop there. Or, at least until the sun goes down. Im also disappointed because he won't really play alot. They have plenty of guys at the two spot, but here is hoping they give him a fair shot to earn minutes. He is my sleeper ROY if he gets minutes.

1:09 - Rockets select Aaron Brooks from Oregon, shoot first PG. In other words: PASS

1:11 - Mark Jackson won't stop agreeing with me. I am officially a fan. Mark, you an me....we are like, here...right here....eye to eye my man, eye to eye.

Josh McRoberts is still on the board and I am absolutely GIDDY. Only way I could enjoy someone falling more than this is if you pushed Ann Coulter out of a window.

1:13 - They are discussing new GM in Seattle, Sam Presti. Supposedly he is 30 years old, yet he looks a solid 10 years older than me. That takes away some of the sting as I recount my life.....not much, but some....

...augh, why didnt I study harder???? Damn you beer! Damn you!

1:14 - Pistons take Aaron Afflalo. Good for him. Not deserving of first round status, but nice to see him get rewarded for going back to school for at least another year. Should fit in nice with the Pistons. A physical defender with a decent stroke (inconsistent), he will fit in well with that team.

1:19 - Spurs take Tiago Splitter. Smart move, only because they have had so much success over seas. This guy, though, has pulled out of three drafts, and went from a likely lotto pick to 27th overall. Not the soundest business sense, but certainly not the worst decision of all time. Splitter is a good defender and rebounder who cant score with either hand.

1:21 - This draft has reached doldrums status. My bed is looking long with second jumpability.

1:22 - Phoenix, who hates paying rookies, likely to go international here. Nope, Alando Tucker. Hore. I. Bull. I detest this pick. A combo forward in college with a SG's body. Phoenix may be the only team he can produce on, simply because of their style. Tucker can't shoot or get his own shot. Gutty college player who excelled with his strength and 4 years of experience. At the pro level, he'll be lucky to crack the 9 man rotation. I wouldnt count on it. God help me, McRoberts might have been a better pick here.

(I will now beat myself about the head, breast and chest area with sock full of nickels. No, i deserve worse. Im going to sit and listen to this cut away to Vitale....
...ugh...
....no, no, no, no, no.....
...AUGH! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!.......)

1:27 - Sixers on the board. Petteri Koponen. Nice little pick. A Finnish point guard. I gotta tell you, when I think hoops......I think Finland. He'll go great with the off guard from Greenland they are taking in the second round. Highlights look good. I think he could definitely be a backup for Gonzaga. Or a first round pick.....whichever. I always wondered what Opie Taylor would look like running an NBA team. Congrats to Koponen for breaking the colorless barrier. He's the first albino in NBA history.

And so it ends. Fittingly, we reach el fin with a Fin. Rumors of a J Rich to Charlotte trade that will bring us Brandon Wright. I killed Wright earlier, but in the run and gun Warrior offense, he would really be excellent. He wouldnt have to be a banger underneath. Alongside Biedrins he could really excel in transition. Soft touch, athletic with good hands.....he could be VERY good. Which just means it will never happen.

Excel and enjoy my cherubs.

2007 NBA Draft Diary: PART I

2007-06-28T22:30:00.000-07:00

This is the internet. The internet is for porn, blogs with no readership, and outright, unadulterated theft. Last year I stole the Draft Diary idea from Bill Simmons, and this year, Im happy to do it again. Last year was nice. A student, no job, a BBQ and a dog. It's 2007 and it's a different story. I have a job, responsibilities, and an inability to bring this draft to you live. So though the time will be off, the sarcastic comments and constant criticism will be the same as if it were live. With this disclaimer, I bring you the 2007 Draft Diary....

10:33 - Fire up the TiVo, its the dawn of a new era where the draft diary may exist at any time! Just pretent Im watching it live from Kuala Lampur and it will seem just fine. And don't kid yourself, the NBA is huge in Kuala Lampur. I hear the hate Kobe just as much over there.

10:35 - The commish is in the house! We come live from New York, and Frodo Stern insists on introducing the Big Apple as the "home of the Knicks and the Liberty." Clearly, nothing is more depressing then the mere thought of the WNBA. A collection of off-season deli workers and tanning salon attendants missing layups for minimum wage. I am, however, looking forward to when Isiah Thomas trades the Knicks first round pick for Rebecca Lobo and a case of mortadella.

10:36 - Stern looks like a hobbit, and his opening speech is just as ridiculous as his magenta tie. Frodo just declared that today's draft picks have turned a lifetime of "hard work" and "dedication" into the opportunity to "excel" in the NBA. Has he even seen Julian Wright play? He promises 2008 will be one of the best NBA seasons ever. Tough to compete with the sheer delight we all felt watching the Eastern Conference take a collective dump all season.

10:39 - First sight of Greg Oden. I won't give you the typical "Greg Oden is old" joke, but I should mention that his grandfather is wearing a hand-me-down suit from Greg.

10:41 - Our announcing lineup is this: Jay Bilas: The Bilastrator - excels at length, upside, and crapping directly from his own mouth. Mark Jackson - A pleasant delight this year, I may even forgive him for shooting like one of the guys from Double Dribble. Stephen A. Smith - Hatred. Its all I feel. The sooner he leaves my life, the better.

10:42 - Portland has the first pick. Im gonna go out on a limb.....Oden?

10:43 - Im a genius. How am I not working for ESPN??? Mel Kiper has nothing on me. I am the draft expert. I was all over this pick. And to think, I came up with it with absolutely not information, not leadups, no analysis from a single web site. Actually wearing a nice suit. It's long, with upside. Portland will love Oden for the next three years, at which point he will reach the retirement age. I love Oden. He is going to be a star. He has freakish athleticism, and will do nothing but develop. He'll be a cross between Alonzo and Ewing. And he hasn't be carded since he was six.

10:45 - Ah, its Stu Scott....STUMANJI! Stu is the complete package. He's a five-tool tool. Annoying, incomprehensible, unfunny, corny and unfunny. He just asked Oden who looks older, him or LeBron.

Better question, who looks older, Oden or this guy:

10:53 - After a quick pause, the Sonics select Kevin Durant. I love Durant, I really do. But explain to me the difference between Durant and Glenn Robinson? Honestly. Scoring forward, dominated in college, great range, decent rebounder, can't play defense.....check, check, check, check, check. Only difference is that Robinson scored more points in a better league. 30 a game in the Big Ten is like 40 in the run and gun Big 12 as far as I'm concerned. That being said, Durant should be a star. Interview with Stumanji now.....he looks skinnier than Nicole Ritchie during Ramadan.

10:58 - Atlanta on the clock, so finally some drama! Im surprised Billy Knight doesn't have a promise to Glen Davis at this spot already. Atlanta is the first team to employ the strategy of taking BFA - Best Forward Available. It has to be Horford. Billy Knight has Matt Millen on speed dial who is screaming about the importance of being 11 deep at all positions.

11:00 - Yup, it's Horford. Just found out he is from the

Dominican Republic. At least if he can't make it in the NBA,

he can play shortstop.

11:04 - Mike Conley to the Memphis Grizzlies. I LOVE Mike Conley Jr. Let me say that again, I love him. Fast, smart, makes great decisions. No, he can't shoot. But when you can get to the rim like he can, you don't need to shoot. I predict he will be in the hunt for ROY, and he will be a big part of Memphis getting back to the playoffs, or at least being in contention. Memphis might want to draft his dad while they are at it. Check out Mike Conley Sr

11:06 - A trade! Wow, the Celtics get Ray Allen for the #5 pick, Delontee West and Wally Szerbiack. Did I spell that right? No, I didnt. Do I care? No, I don't. The Celtics are suddenly the favorite in the East, a conference where you apparantly only need one good player to make the finals. Celtics take Jeff Green for the Sonics. The first super bust of the draft. I am not a fan. The guy can play, don't get me wrong. But is he the 5th best player in the draft? Not even close. Bilastrator is raving about Green's passing ability. If he does the same thing about Josh McRoberts, who is considered the best passing forward in the draft, he loses all credibility. Good passing is great. But he doesnt score consistently. He doesnt hit the perimeter shot consistently. And he doesn't rebound. Both Bilastrator and Stephen A love the pick.....I rest my case.

11:12 - Stumanji tells us Green is the first Hoya in the top ten in the last ten years. The other one was Mike Sweetney. Illustrious company indeed!

11:13 - Commercial? TiVo disagrees! Bloop....bloop....bloop!

11:13 - Yi is still out there, and Milwaukee loves him. Yi's agents wouldnt let Milwaukee even work him out, and it got to the point that the Chinese government declared Milwaukee a place they didnt want him to go to. Do the Bucks dare?

NO!!!! The Bucks take Yi, and China immediately breaks out their launch codes! Memo to the Bucks: Trade him. Please, do not piss off a world power with nuclear capability and a million man army. We can't even defeat Iraq, what will China do to us? We haven't won a war since what...Grenada? We took that taco stand with surf boards and billy clubs. This is a disaster....Katz says they are keeping him. Another reason to move to Canada.

11:20 - Stu is interviewing Yi, who has the charisma of a lawn chair. I need two translators for this interview. On the brightside, I love his scouting tapes. Check out these moves.

I told you to take Joakim Noah!

11:22 - Stephen A. won't stop yelling. I'm right here Stephen A. I can hear you. Stephen A. The A is for asshole.

11:23 - Wolves on the clock. McHale is bold. Always tries to get worst player available. Frodo announces the pick....Corey Brewer! Wow, a decent pick. Stern just announced the pick with surprise in his voice! That was classic! Even he was shocked they made a good pick. Congrats to Stern who managed to changed the word "Hawes" to "Brewer" in mid sentence. He should fit in well with Ricky Davis as a mentor. They just went to Vitale for his thoughts.....Im lucky, I have trained my brain to tune him out. I will refrain from describing Corey's mom's outfit/makeup. The term tammy faye-esque comes to mind.

11:27 - Holy crap! A shot of Joakim Noah, aka Sanjaya, as we go to commercial. Ill wait till he gets drafted to discuss. I can't even function right now.

11:28 - Bloop bloop bloop

11:29 - Mmmm. Rachel Nichols.

11:33 - Bobcats select Brandon Wright. Awesome. Guy is about 118 lbs soaking wet. First animated skeleton to go lotto. Im really shocked. MJ took a Carolina guy. Is Michael even at the draft? Is he even in the war room? I think the Bobcats management called MJ on the golf course 3 minutes before the pick was due.

Asst GM: Michael, where are you? Its our pick! Who do we take?

MJ: Uh, the...uh.....guy from Carolina?

Asst GM: You mean Brandon Wright? He's available.

MJ: Uh, yeah..yeah! That's the one. Take him. We need an off guard.

Asst GM: Power forward.

MJ: Whatever.

Truth is, Im giving Wright a hard time, but the guy can play. Excellent touch underneath, talent-wise he might be the 3d best player in this draft. Over the long term, I would take Wright over Horford every day of the week and twice on Sunday. If he adds just 20 lbs, he will be a scoring machine. He will never be a traditional 4, but in an uptempo offense, he could do some serious damage.

11:36 - Holy crap. Bulls take Joakim Noah. I wish I could describe his look. Same tux his dad wore to prom. Fro'd out hair that would make Ronald McDonald envious. A bow tie...A BOW TIE! Stern is talking to him now, informing him he is being fined $5,000 for violating the dress code, and for embarassing the league. Making this guy the "face of the franchise" is like hiring a deaf mute as your spokesman.

11:44 - Kings, sporting a slow, white center in Brad Miller go out and get....a slow....white....center! Spencer Hawes to cow town. Congrats to the Kings fans. Someone who can finally matchup with Robert Swift. It appears between the 3d and 10th pick, Billy Knight got fired in Atlanta and signed with the Kings. Tirico just said that Hawes has a "God Bless George Bush" bumper sticker. I look forward to booing him. I guess he loves people who make bad decisions. He'll love the Kings then...

11:47 - Joakim Noah couldn't score 20 points if you locked him alone in a gym. Stephen A hates the pick, which means he will be ROY.

11:49 - Hawks. Gotta get a PG. Acie Law! Holy crap, the Hawks made a smart move. This guy looks smooth. A senior. Good leadership, decent jump shot, smart and composed. The fan in Atlanta will love him. Law won the Bob Cousy award in college last season, and Bilas questions whether or not he is a pure point guard. Interpret that as you will.

I dont care if Acie Law cant see out of his right eye and has a club foot....he isnt Tyronne Lue. Anytime you can replace Tyronne Lue you do it. Id play Al Horford at point before Lue, who decided it wasn't enough to be the worst PG in the league...he had to grow the worst hair in the league while he was at it.

11:57 - Philly takes Thaddeus Young. Im officially bored with this draft. Young is long. He has upside. He has upside length and long potential. Bilas is a walking cliche. I desparately need a bad suit soon, or Im gonna run out of material

11:59 - Bloop bloop. New Orleans selects Julian Wright. Love this guy. If he gave a crap even half the time he'd be the steal of this draft. Good size and quickness, soft touch underneath, and the best passing big man available (Jeff Green who? Shut up Bilas). Should fit in well with that team. Bilas says Wright is best in a full court game. Luckily this is the NBA draft, not Hoop It Up, idiot. Then again, Wright is so disinterested at times, he doesnt cross half court.

12:02 - Shot of Julian Wright and Andy Katz bowling. Katz is officially pathetic. I grew up thinking I wanted to be in sports journalism or management, but in the end, you are a grown man hanging out with kids. Katz looks like the Wooderson cruising the campus, an old ass guy trying to act cool with some 18 years olds. Katz has Jumped the Shark. Ted McGinley should host next year....

12:04 - Clippers up. Ill wait by the phone just in case. They could do worse. No, seriously. They could do worse. Im thinking Nick Young or Al Thornton here, which is perfect, since both are overrated. Would be perfect for the Clips.

12:05 - Al Thornton. Too easy. 23 year old Senior. Took him 4 years to figure out how to score 19 pts a game on a team with no other good players. Needs to improve: Arthritis. I don't see the hype here. Decent highlights, though they just showed him commiting a charge. 14th best player? Hardly. Mark him down for bust city. Seems like a good guy though, so Ill stop ripping on him.

12:08 - I might be wrong, but Ill go out on a limb for the next pick. Pistons will take Morris Almond from Rice. I think he is totally slept on. The next Allen Houston, easily. Would be perfect for Detroit. But the NBA is all about being a sheep. No surprises. The consensus says Rodney Stuckey here, which means you can almost write it down already. Is there anything more predictable than an NBA GM? These guys are a bunch of bubble boys, scared to deviate even the slightest bit from prevailing opinion. More set in their ways than the Rain Man. The next original thought in the NBA will be the first. Just look at the KG trade. It seems so easy, right? Everyone wins, but the Hawks balk at it because they dont want Amare Stoudamire. And that is why they are the Hawks.

12:12 - Wow, Pistons take Stuckey. Im absolutely shocked. Nothing screams lotto like a combo guard from Eastern Washington. Loved the work he did in the tournament. Wait.....he didnt lead them there. That's right...he is good enough for the lottery, but couldnt win the Big Sky. He looks great in these highlights against 6 foot white kids. He should do great at the next level. Definitely an All Star. An NBDL All Star. Enjoy Sioux Falls.

500 Miles: Deconstructed

2007-06-27T12:21:00.000-07:00

I WOULD WALK 500 MILES
The Proclaimers

When I wake up, yeah I know Im gonna be,
I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you
(That's nice....)

When I go out yeah I know Im gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you
(Ok, kinda suffocating...)

And If I get drunk, yes I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you
(So much for girls' night out....jeez, do you have friends?)

And if I haver whatever that means
I'm gonna be the man who's havering to you
(So basically you have to invent reasons to hang out together. Trust me, this girl needs space. It seems romantic, but she's just sick of you by now.)

But I would walk 500 miles
(Do you realize how far that is?)

And I would walk 500 more
(So you would walk a thousand miles.....why not just say that? And also, do you realize how far THAT is???)

To be the man who walked that thousand miles
To fall down at your door
(For a second, you had her. It seemed so sweet. But it's all about the recognition with you. "I'm not here to see you, I just want to be able to call myself the guy who walked hella far." By the way, of course you fell down, you were drunk and havering.)

When I'm working yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's working hard for you
(Wait, you went to work? But you only go out when she goes out. Do you guys work together?)

And when the money, comes in for the work I do
I'll pass almost every penny on to you
(Except for the few pence I set aside for booze and havers.)

When I come home yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you
(She won't be there. Out with the girls finally!)

And if I grow old well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's growing old with you
("If" you grow old? Um, i think the concept of time comes into play here. By the way, why do people always preface photos with, "this is from when I was younger." ALL photos are of you when you were younger.)

And I would walk 500 miles
(Yeah, you said that...)

And I would walk 500 more
(Right, thousand miles. Why are you dating a girl who lives 1000 miles away? )

To be the man who walked that thousand miles
To fall down at your door
(You sleep in the same bed, and come home to her after work. Why are you so far away? Buy a plane ticket for crying out loud.)

Surrender (We do.)
Surrender (Oh god do we ever....)

When I'm lonely yes I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's lonely without you
(You're 1000 miles away from your girl, of course you are lonely. And how could you POSSIBLY be lonely WITH her? You just aren't making sense at this point.)

When I'm dreaming yes I know I'm gonna dream
I gonna Dream about the time when I'm with you
(That's called a memory, not a dream. A dream would be imagining having a life.)

And if I get drunk, yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man that gets drunk next to you
(Drunk again, huh? One of you has a drinking problem.)

And if I haver, whatever the heck that means
I'm gonna be the man who havers next you
(And addicted to havering. Where will it end?)

And I would walk 500 miles
(Good god, more long distance walking. What are you, Forrest Gump?).

And I would walk 500 more
(That's 1000 miles again. How far across is Scotland anyways? Can you even walk 1000 miles without passing her house three times?)

To be the man who walked that thousand miles
To fall down at your door
(Just thinking of walking 1000 miles makes me tired enough to fall down. And why fall down at the door? You made it all that way, and you can't wait to go 20 more feet to fall on the couch?)

Surrender
Surrender

When I'm lonely, yes I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man whos lonely without you
I'm gonna be the man whos coming home
(We've covered all of this.)

cause I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
To be the man who walked that thousand miles
(What job do you have that lets you go walking for 3 weeks? Are you a postman by any chance?)

To fall down at your door
Surrender
Surrender
Surrender.
(Done and........done.)

2006 NBA Draft: Revisited

2007-06-26T17:48:00.000-07:00

As Thursday's NBA Draft approaches, lets take a look back at last year's draft diary, and see how I did....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In humble homage to ESPN's Bill Simmons, I present to you a supplement to his annual Draft Diary. Often restricted from ripping on the analysts due to his ESPN affiliation, I am not constrained. Consider this diary as an adendum, an exhibit if you will, to his master list. -------------------------------------------------------------------
It's "The Mecca"! I come to you from sunny San Diego with trusty draftmate "Wit", aka The East Coast Bias, blowing up my IM from the beachfront. Over/Under on his demanding Gerry McNamara go lottery - 28.

4:18 PST - Our talking heads for the night: Jay Bilas in a striped purple tie from the Burlington Coat Factory; Greg Anthony, doing his best Too Short impression; Dan Patrick (and a crew of stylists and bad joke writers); and the always entertaining Stephen A. Smith. What does the "A" stand for I wonder? "Austistic" is the first word that comes to mind.....

4:19 - We have a trade! The official report is that the Celtics get Sebastian Telfair, Theo Ratliff, and a 2008 second round pick (or as they call it on the Knicks, a first rounder) in exchange for the 7th pick, Raef Lafrentz, and Dan Dickau. Absolutely idiotic trade. Mostly, Marcus Williams is better than Telfair, hands down. Bassy was third on the depth chart in Portland (behind superstars Steve Blake and Jarret Jack, ew), yet Boston is willing to dump the 7th pick to get a guy that once went 13th? And they also threw in a decent backup in Dickau and a starting front court player in LaFrentz. Admittedly, they got alot of contract off the books so they can bring in Iverson, and this allows them to play Delonte West at the 2 and to get Al "Can I get 7 fouls?" Jefferson on the floor more, where he is a rebounding beast. Intriguing is Portland bringing in a couple of "character guys," perhaps to downplay the usual opinion of their team.

4:21 - Shot of the Green Room, starting with JJ Reddick whose mom is decked out in a silver wig and a fuscia coat. Someone stole JJ's chest. Now looking at Morrison and Reddick playing video games online. Say what you want about the draft class of '86, but they knew how to spend their off time. Consider this the "dork draft."

4:24 - First sighting of "The Wanderer", Stu Scott, and Mark Jones, both doing floor interviews. Really unfortunate how that worked out. Mark Jones is what Stu Scott was trying to be, a good sportscaster with some street cred. Instead, Scott became the first clown to get a full time gig on TV since Bozo. Captain Kangaroo had more street cred then The Wanderer.

4:30 - This may be the worst draft in many years, maybe ever. There is maybe one guy who can become a superstar (Gay) and just a slew of players who have either reached their ceiling (Reddick), can't play defense (Morrison), probably won't develop (Aldridge, Thomas) or are allergic to the paint (Bargnani). Expect teams to either go with seniors who can help immediately, or foreigners they can stash overseas. Overrated: Reddick, Morrison, Ronnie Brewer, Hitlon Armstrong, Cedric Simmons, Rodney Carney Underrated: Marcus Williams, Quincy Douby, James White (huge sleeper)

4:34 - Stern is here! Let the draft begin! Raptors on the clock, and Bargnani the likely pick. I wish Greg Oden was in the stands just to bother Stern, heckling him incessantly. Just imagine Toronto taking Bargnani, and Oden standing up and screaming, "That's my jersey! Thanks for taking food out of my mouth, Stern!"

4:36 - The East Coast Bias (ECB) is on board. We would both like to parlay our law degrees into commentator jobs on ESPN like Jay Billas and Len Elmore. One problem, neither of us is 7 foot or All ACC. If you want to be picky....

4:38 - Bargnani goes first overall. Rail thin, excellent perimeter shooter. Looks like a stiff breeze from the MSG A/C might knock him over. They keep calling him Nowitzki-esque, but he can't bang, and won't rebound. Poor man's Matt Bullard? Nice footage of his highlights. I haven't seen game tape like that since Milan took the '44 state title. Good front line though, with Bosh, Bargnani, and Unfrozen Caveman Forward, aka Villanueva. (I don't understand your jumpshots, they frighten me...Im just a caaaaaaaaveman......)

4:39 - This in from the ECB: "Fran Fraschilla recruited a buddy of mine, he came to a couple of our games in HS. Faced with the prospect of joining a recruiting class of all black dudes including Ron Artest, he assuaged my buddies fears by saying "I don't see colors" I think what he meant to say was if Ron wants to verbally or physically assault any and all members of our basketball family, the fact that he is black will not be a problem."

4:40 - Stu Scott interviewing Bargnani. Should be genius. The Wanderer opened with "Molto bene" which means "very good". Not sure what he meant there. Bargnani speaking broken english like a foreigner trying to steal you girlfriend at a dark club. Hat looks good on him, too bad they dont make them in his size....

4:44 - Chicago Bulls select Lamarcus Aldridge. Solid player, probably has a good future, but for all the ability he shows, has he ever dominated? I can't remember ever watching him and going nuts over anything he did. Nice little turn around, but not a beast as a rebounder, not a beast on defense. Reminds me more of an athletic Bill Cartwright. Ouch. Bilastrator says Aldridge to Portland. Probably a good idea with Pryzbilla likely to leave as a free agent. Bulls eyeing Ty Thomas with Portland's fourth pick. Probably a better fit, and allows Bulls to deal Chandler.

4:47 - Consensus is that this draft is so bad that no one even wants to pick. Good chance every pick between this and 10 gets dealt.

4:48 - Gotta love Chris Bosh. Asked about getting Bargnani, said he had no idea about his game, even though he played him in an exhibition game. Chris Bosh - needs to work on: Awareness.

4:48 - Charlotte Bobcats select Adam Morrison. Bilas just called a guy how hasnt gotten a haircut or a shave in 4 years "polished." Great college player who led the nation in scoring against teams like St Marys and Santa Clara. Will be a nice roll player, but dont compare him to Bird or Mullin or even Tom Chambers. Nice of Dan Patrick to announce the pick by following it up with, "Has diabetes!" Is this gonna be a trend all night? With the 4th pick, Tyrus Thomas. Tyrus got the clap last night from a groupie! And, he has dandruff!

4:55 - Ty Thomas to the Blazers, with a rumor he is going to the Bulls for Aldridge. Great athlete, came out of nowhere. I'd love to rave about his skills, but he is wearing a purple sweater vest under a black suit! That is epic! First guy to say, screw buying a pimp suit for this draft, Ill just go in the closet and wear my church clothes.

4:57 - Too Short says he doesn't understand why Portland would send Victor Khryapa to the Bulls just to make sure they got Aldridge, saying he would have slipped to 4 anyways. Its a great move...they get Aldridge and get rid of Khryapa. Stephen A Smith should just go by his full name like a serial killer.

4:59 - Worst question in history just asked. I have to quote it perfectly: "Simone Augustus of LSU went number one in the WNBA draft. What did she tell you about this night?" UnBEEleivable question from the Wanderer. Considering the WNBA draft is conducted in the party room at a Secaucus, NJ Olive Garden, with players introduced by Carrot Top, I dont think she can tell him much of anything.

5:01 - Atlanta takes Sheldon Williams. Worst kept secret on the planet. Everyone was reporting that the landlord had a promise from Atlanta, and the only thing bad about this pick was the slim hope that the Hawks would stiff him and take a player they actually needed. Let's go to Vitale for his thoughts......no, no, let's not. Sheldon Williams has one eye on each side of his head. I haven't seen peepers like that since Sloth in the Goonies.

5:07 - Outside now, time to grill this tri-tip. Brandon Roy on the board, Minnesota needs him, he's there.....so, McHale will take Pat O'Bryant for sure. If Roy slips to 7, Simmons likely to commit suicide.

5:08 - Minnesota selects Brandon Roy. Miracle. They got one right. Clearly why Boston traded out of the 7 spot. Im sure McHale and Ainge talk a bit. They wanted Roy or nobody, so they got a young point guard, and got some cap space. We'll see how that plays out.

5:10 - Stephen A just said Roy needs to step up to replace the lack of production from Marko Jaric, who is a PG. Someone get the serial killer a depth chart. Boston now picking for Portland. Getting giddy, I think Rudy Gay might slip to the Warriors. Has the most talent, even though he may be a total bust, but with the Warriors, better to get a talented bust, because they usually take a garbage player who just does what he is supposed to do - suck.

5:15 - Wow, Too Short just made a GREAT point. People are complaining that Gay did not take over when he was in college, but Anthony just pointed out that Jordan and Grant Hill did the same thing back then.

5: 16 - Blazers just added Foye, Aldridge and LaFrentz, and lost Sebastian Telfair. I never thought I would say that Portland is the smartest team in the room...ECB with a great point. Apparently the tape from the Nova-Florida game has been destroyed, because if any GM saw it, Foye would be in the NBDL. Foye just went 8th overall in the NBA draft, and Stumanji opens by recounting the death of his dad and his mom abandoning him. Welcome to Up With People!

5:22 - Houston selects Rudy Gay, and breaks my heart. Apparently, Houston is going to deal him for Shane Battier??? I am stunned. Must stop posting for a second...Im just mad that the Warriors didn't get Gay. I had a whole slew of jokes about his jersey selling out in San Francisco, but Im sure a Warriors jersey that says "Gay" is already the number one seller.......oh well, is Todd Fuller available? There is no one out there I want other than Marcus Williams, the best PG in the draft. If the Warriors grab anyone else, it will be a bad pick. But Gay for Battier? ECB says Jeff Van Gundy just jumped the shark. Vitale says Jerry West is a genius for trading Shane Battier for Rudy Gay. I could have shown my mom 5 minutes of tape on both players, and she would have made the trade.

5:29 - Yup, Warriors take BSA (Best Stiff Available), Patrick O'Bryant. For the fan who misses Adonyl Foyle when he leaves the game, here you go. A good irishman, but a bad hooper. Ill have more to say once I think about it. Passing on Marcus Williams was very Warrior of them.

5:34 - Rumors of another trade. NO ONE wants to be there. Interviewing Patrick O'Bryant. Stu asked "What is it about your game that no one knows?" "Shot blocking" he says. He is seven feet tall, and every highlight of him was of him blocking a shot. Im about to get VERY bored with this draft. There isnt a good player left on the planet who is eligible to get drafted.

5:35 - Seattle selects the Senegalese guy. His name isnt important. Why learn the name of a guy who won't be in the league in two years. He has a great wingspan. Good. That will come in handy when you need a guy to open both doors in a cab at the same time. Guy apparently played well in Belgium, where all the best players go. They say two years ago he couldnt hit a lay-up, so he is "raw." A cadaver would have produced the same result. They should have drafted Kareem., he probably provide more upside. ECB calls him Frederick Weis without the upside.

5:41 - Really hoping Reddick is last in the Green Room. Funny how 20 years ago, 10 dope heads went in the lottery, and now no one wants a guy with a DUI. America is losing its upside. Would really like 'Lil John to stop showing up on my TV. Thanks!

5:42 - Orlando takes JJ Reddick and a public defender to be named later. Vitale looks like a proud father in the delivery room. Just realized Otis Smith is the Magic GM, which makes this pick more understandable. My take on Reddick: He has reached his ceiling. He busted his ass to become one of the best shooters in college, and used all his talents to their max. Even if he works hard at the NBA level, he will never be more than a Steve Kerr type. He may never create his own shot in the NBA, unless Adam Morrison guards him. I liked Reddick the first time he played in the league, when he called himself Shane Heal. Everyone on the panel loves this pick, which means it is DOOMED. Bilas says Reddick will start. I agree. For Roanoke. (ECB - Bilas craps out of his mouth) Stu Scott just pointed out that Reddick scored more points in the ACC than Michael Jordan and Len Bias. Um, they played two years each.....ECB is confident Reddick won't outscore either of them in the NBA. Bias included.

5:47 - Hornets select Hilton Armstrong, and guarentee to never get another rebound. This takes the lead as worst pick in the draft, and will be very hard to top. Im feeling better about Patrick O'Bryant now....Marcus Williams gets the Paul Pierce/Caron Bulter/Chris Paul award for "Guy who will come back and haunt everyone who passed up on him." Think the NBA version of Randy Moss as far as the OOPS factor goes.

5:51 - I just basted the tri tip with BBQ sauce. It's long, and has tremendous upside.

5:53 - A trade to announce! Wow, its the Boston/Portland trade. Thanks. Stern has also announced that we have put men on the moon and the results of the 1980 presidential election.

5:54 - Sixers select the Swiss guy. Rumor has it he's good. How the hell would anyone know. I almost think this guy is made up and doesn't really exist. Someone is shaking Stern's hand, but I bet he's an intern. I sit corrected. Great highlights, this guy was a solid pick. Thabo Sefolosha, looks incredibly athletic, almost like Rudy Gay, but he may actually give a damn. Andy Katz says this pick was made for the Bulls, who keep getting better and better. Wow. Great day for Paxson, who has proven to be a star as a GM.

6:02 - Jazz select Ronnie Brewer. The worst jump shot in modern hoops history. Dear lord, he might have a future in the WNBA, but if this guy isn't a bust, I don't know hoops. At least he is from Fayetville, because there is an NBDL team there, so he can sleep in his own bed. A trade! Minn trades Brandon Roy for Randy Foye and cash. That may be the stupidest trade ever. I can't even explain it. Are the Wolves so broke they just wanted a couple bucks and took Roy to spite the Blazers? I would have thought a better player would have more value.

6:08 - Missed the Hornets taking Cedric Simmons, who proves one thing - 28 is a magic number. Pat O'Bryant went for 28 against Pitt, and Simmons 28 against Duke, and both of those games got them in the lottery. Too bad that's the last time either will score 28 in a sanctioned game...

6:15 - Mark it. ECB and I agree with Bilas for the first time, as he calls Marcus Williams best PG in the draft.

6:18 - Pacers take Shawne Williams. Just a boring pick. Has great talent, but won't really contribute next year. Could be the next Trevor Ariza, would have fit well with the Knicks. Maybe a reach, but Pacers have no real needs.

6:25 - Olecksiy Petrov goes to Washington. Guy's name looks like an eye chart. Let me guess, he's from Europe, so he must be about 6'10 and he can shoot from the perimeter. Yup, big shocker. Seriously, what do the box scores look like in Europe? Leading rebounder gets what, 5 boards a game? Do they know what an offensive rebound is there? I may be getting sick of euros...

6:29 - Sacramento selects Quincy Douby. FEE nomenal pick. I love this pick. 25 pts a game at Rutgers, this guy will really fit in the NBA, and should be instant offense for Eric Musselman's squad. Would have been better than 10 of the guys that went before him. Great shooter, which means he is Reddick with talent. Amazed that this guy doesn't get more love. Only problem is after Kelvin Martin and Francisco Garcia, the Kings have been taking guys like this for years. A big might have been good there, but really, this is the best player available.

6:32 - I will now defer to the ECB, who is a die hard Knicks fan. Of course, he immediately asks, "How will they f*&% this up?" Well Jon, so many possibilities! Stat of the night: 42 starting lineups for the Knicks last year. If Williams is the pick, the place will explode. Stern screws the crowd by announcing a trade first! Ha ha. He has been saving this trade for this moment. Important to let everyone know who is in charge. Cops are getting their riot gear.....

6:35 - Knicks select...........Renaldo Balkman! I love it, the new worst pick ever! This guy would have been there at 50. Short story on this guy, he went to a thin Orlando camp, and played well, about the 4th best player there (where no one went) and he played his way into the top of the second round. And the Knicks take him at 20. I can't kill this pick enough. I would rather have Hilton Armstrong #1 overall. Im looking for the ECB reaction, and Im getting the soft, dulcet tones of a man in denial. "at least this guy plays with energy." "Dont laugh completely. There is a slight chance he could be a jerome williams type." "The guy has an incredible motor." for those of you who don't speak Desparation, let me translate. "He can't shoot" "Best case scenario, he sucks." "He does suck." Spike Lee is calling Balkman a sleeper. I think he means either he will be asleep during games, or Balkman plays like he is asleep. I love killing Isiah, and he is making it easy.

6:42 - Suns select Rajon Rondo for the Celtics, who will trade for him. Its part of that draft strategy: if you deal for a point guard who can't shoot (Telfair), make sure you draft a point guard to back him up who CANT SHOOT. Rondo may be the worst shooter in this draft, and Im counting the guy from Senegal and Greg Anthony. Seriously, if this guy is at the top of the key, the defense spreads out like Rondo farted. Good athlete, good physical build, he is a NBA caliber guy, but with Marcus Williams on the board, this move makes zero sense.

6:45 - ECB guarenteeing last laugh on Balkman pick. Set your calendars, my friends. 365 days of reckoning...

6:49 - Nets select Marcus Williams! Finally. Best player on the board, best point guard, and he ends up on a team with a PG. I guess he deserves it. Bilas just said he has 14% body fat. That's not good, but certainly not the red flag concerning most. Must improve: rap sheet. Marcus Williams' sister...I mean mom, is completely insane. Just shouted down Mark Jones while refusing to look at him during the entire interview. I think her first name is Cliche, but Im not sure....

6:51 - Nets follow up a felon with Josh Boone. Awful, awful player. He can block shots. Great. Apparently, if you can block shots, I can make you a millionaire. Every big man so far has the exact same scouting report: blocks shots, cant rebound, cant shoot. Sounds like a recipe for success. I am so confused by the actions by NBA GMs, Im speechless. Im also tired of the braids hanging in the back look. It's the black mullet, and it's garbage. Someone spread the word that it does NOT look good. Not me, someone else....

6:58 - Memphis takes Kyle Lowry. So Gay and Lowry in the backcourt. Not bad. Lowry isn't flashy. Quick, not much of a shooter. Tyronne Lue with a better haircut. I have zero opinion about this guy, he is so neutral, he should be from Switzerland too.

7:03 - Cleveland selects Shannon Brown. Decent pick. I don't think he's that great, but very athletic, decent shooter, but can really get to the rim. I watched him play alot in the Big Ten, and there was always something missing, like I always felt he should be doing more. This tells me LeBron will handle the ball, and Brown will work his way into the starting lineup. Much better than Eric Snow, to say the least. The real surprise is that Farmar is slipping.... Can I just say, ESPN sucks? The told me that Shawne Williams was from Wyoming already, that pissed me off. But I hate their attention to the marquee teams. I mean, they were talking so much about the Lakers that I thought it was the Lakers pick. Next thing I know, Cleveland is picking. Why can't they just focus on each team. I feel like Im inundated with the Lakers, the Red Sox, the Yankees and the Cowboys. Lots of other teams out there guys. Lots of other fans....I swear, the Warriors picked, and it was like a fart in church. Place is dead silent, and they can't wait to move on. Im starting to wonder if the Warriors are still in the league. We might have to bring in Larry Brown to honestly get any attention outside the Bay Area. Ok, getting dizzy up on my soapbox....

7:09 - Lakers select Jordan Farmar. Perfect fit. Good point guard, he will defer to Kobe and Lamar, no problem. Local kid, will be loved at Staples. This pick makes so much sense, I dont get to rip it. Damnit! Must improve: Perm. Wow, someone nudged Stephen A awake. I really wish they hadn't. Guy is screaming now. He's like a hose with a nozzle on it. Just sits there, building up pressure, then sprays in your face...

7:16 - Suns take Sergio Rodriguez, apparently for Portland, who has bought the pick. Basically, Paul Allen is just buying players like free agents in this draft. It is quite disconcerting. This could start a new trend. Dont tell Steinbrenner about this. He'll buy the Knicks, then buy the first 10 picks each season... On the other side, the Suns traded both of their picks for cash. Someone get these guys a small business loan. I dont want to hear about Colangelo getting picked up at the bus station turning tricks so he can pay Shawn Marion....

7:19 - Sorry, dozed off. Jim Gray just interviewed Mitch Kupchek who was doing his Crazy Joe Devola impression. That guy is the human equivalent of sominex.

7:20 - The rich get richer. Mavericks select Maurice Ager, who is Shannon Brown with a jump shot. Very explosive, as good as Josh Howard or Maurice Daniels. This is a great pick, and fits in with the system very well. This is why these teams are picking at the end of the draft. They know what they are doing.

7:24 - That was the greatest interview of all time, as Mark Jones grabbed a liquored up fan from the mosh pit, and he bowled Jones over while screaming, "Isiah's a bum!" I couldn't be more happy than I am now.

7:25 - Knicks select Mardy Collins. Good player, will add alot to a team that needs toughness and backcourt size. One problem, they have 11,275 guards on the roster. Then again, I really don't know what they are supposed to do. Trading up would have made more sense. They had the pieces to get to as high as 15, where they could have gotten a quality player. It's Isiah, I can't imagine what he is thinking.

7:28 - Interview with Mike D'Antoni's mustache, fresh off a Riverside movie set where he finished filming seX-Men and Forrest Hump.

7:29 - Dan Patrick: "Portland has been the most active so far, in regards to what they have done so far." I can't make that up....hour 3 and Im getting light headed....

7:30 - Portland takes Joel Freeland. Yes, the Joel Freeland from England. Good size, nice stroke. I think this may be a steal. They keep mentioning he used to bag groceries. Who cares, really. Like they all went from Jr High to the broadcast booth. Stephen A says that its a complete waste of time to talk about Portland. Sorry man, you are so damn important, the last thing we want is to waste your time. You are an NBA ANALYST. It is your FREAKING JOB to talk about Portland. Actually, no, please talk more about the Lakers and the Knicks. Im still out of the loop on them. What is a complete waste of time is you talking, period. So that's it, first round is over, which means no one else in the world eligible for this draft can get guarenteed money. Let's take a look at the biggest losers - guys who left early only to see Joel Freeland go before them: Daniel Gibson, PJ Tucker, Guillermo Diaz, Leon Powe, Curtis Stinson, Will Blalock....forget it, there are too many to mention. And just imagine if the HS guys had been available. Three would be ALOT of sad guys tonight.....

7:37 - I have created a petition. I can't listen to Stephen A Smith anymore, so we must get him to go away. Please sign this petition, and save me: http://www.petitiononline.com/shutupA/petition.html

7:48 - Second round has started, and I missed the first three picks. Im hungry, and angry and tired. I will now retire the blog for the night, and wish you all good night and good luck.

Juneteenth My Enslaved Ass

2007-06-22T15:54:00.000-07:00

Hey Bob, how's the telegraph line coming along? Great! Hey, I've

got this message for you to deliver . . . ahh, fuck it.

As you all know (or don’t), the holiday of Juneteenth has come and gone once again. If you somehow forgot the holiday, here’s a refresher: Juneteenth commemorates General Gordon Granger’s ride into Galveston, Texas on June 19, 1865, and issuance of an order that freed the last of the slaves. On that day, the legend goes, a great celebration broke out. Today there are great Juneteenth celebrations as well, but some people seem to be missing the message of the holiday.

In Milwaukee, a 33-year-old man has a broken tooth and cuts all over his face after a group of teenagers pulled him from his car and beat him following Milwaukee's Juneteenth celebration. In Austin, a crowd attacked and killed a passenger in a vehicle that had struck and injured a child, police said Wednesday. Police believe 2,000 to 3,000 people were in the area for a Juneteenth celebration when the attack occurred. The man who was killed had been trying to stop the group from attacking the vehicle's driver when the crowd turned on him, authorities said. In Syracuse, the Juneteenth celebration was ordered shut down by police three hours early after fights broke out among youths at the event.

But why on Earth would Juneteenth revelers turn violent? Could it be that they finally realized the utter bullshit of the holiday? On Juneteenth, Union soldiers landed at Galveston, Texas, with news that enslaved blacks were free, A FULL TWO-AND-A-HALF-YEARS AFTER PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION HAD DECLARED THEM SO.

Perhaps the revelers experienced a collective, “What the fuck took them so long?”

Now, I’m sure that there are several “explanations” of why there was such a delay, but I’m declaring all of those “explanations” to be bullshit. For an announcement as important as “slaves are free,” perhaps one should put the urgent stamp on the message.

The distance from Washington D.C. to Galveston is roughly 1300 miles. The Pony Express, who was in service in 1860-1861, averaged ten miles per hour. Thus, assuming 8 hour days, it would’ve taken the ol’ Express roughly 16 days to deliver the message to free the slaves in Texas (Ironically, the fastest Pony Express message delivery was Lincoln’s Inaugural Address, which was transported between telegraph lines in a mere 7 days and 17 hours).

But, you say, the Express didn’t operate in 1863 when the Emancipation Proclamation was enacted, so they couldn’t have delivered the message so quickly. Wrong. The Pony Express met its rapid and untimely demise because of the introduction of the Intercontinental Telegraph, which for the first time enabled rapid communication from coast to coast. Materials for the telegraph line were collected in late 1860, and construction proceeded during the summer and fall of 1861 and was completed the same year.

The telegraph line traveled through Omaha, Nebraska. Thus, it is virtually certain that Omaha knew that slaves were to be freed almost simultaneously with the 1863 proclamation. Further, Omaha is only 950 miles from Galveston, yet nobody felt it important to get their ass on a horse or toss a note into a stagecoach letting slaves know that they were free to do whatever the hell they wanted. I mean, shit, that's an eleven-day ride. Fuck it.

The Intercontinental telegraph route

Of Cancers and Labia

2007-06-14T15:57:00.000-07:00

In honor of my "procedure" tomorrow for removal of my labial basal cell carcinoma, here's a lineup of lip and cancer all-stars -- Enjoy!

LABIA MAJORA
Guess the owners, win a prize*

Note the fullness, the almost perfect symmetry, and the mischievous pout -- and dream about never, ever, ever touching them.

This specimen displays the same qualities of fullness and symmetry; however, these lips are slightly open, indicating a longing -- no, not for you, pervert.

This pair has a slightly less full upper lip, but still possesses the hallmark symmetry and shine. The smile on this face indicates pure, unadulterated joy, thus she possesses far too much self-esteem to consider lowering herself to kiss someone of your caste.

NAME THAT CANCER

Here's a creepy looking fellow:

Yikes!

And you thought nothing passed through Mauritania!

Do you have a kind, emotional, romantic, imaginative, sympathetic, nurturing, and intuitive character, but one which is also prone to changeability, moodiness, hypersensitivity,revengefullness, depression, and clinginess?

Have a great weekend everyone, and remember me with a lower lip.

Answers:

Lip 1 -- Jolie

Lip 2 -- Johansson

Lip 3 -- Alba

Cancer 1 -- Basal Cell Carcinoma

Cancer 2 -- Melanoma

Cancer 3 -- Tropic of

Cancer 4 -- Astrological sign

* -- congrats, you win. . . unfortunately the prize is confirmed creepiness.

My Favorite Post

2007-06-08T13:08:00.000-07:00

In honor of our Ali-like return to the ring, I'd like to offer up what is our seminal performance to date. The 2004 Election Running Diary. Likely to offend, sure to delight. If after reading it you hate us for the vile human beings (or amazing facsimiles thereof) that we are, please never return here. Actually, return, comment on our work, and provide us a target on which to unleash our considerable cynicism.

Its the last post of the page....

Thomas-like

2007-06-08T12:41:00.000-07:00

Admittedly, it's been a while since we've posted. But silence doesn't necessarily indicate lack of thought . . . just look at Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.*

Thomas last spoke during Supreme Court oral argument on Feb. 22, 2006. Since then, the court has convened for 104 oral arguments. That's 104 consecutive hours, during which Thomas hasn't said one single word. Since October 2004, Thomas has uttered a grand total of 281 words.

Thomas is getting your tax dollars for his silence. Consig and I, on the other hand, just do this for fun (and God knows nobody reads this anyway, so I don't really know who I'm addresssing). Further, even with over a year off, our word total kicks the ass of Thomas' word total.

So, for the last year, just consider the Consig and I the "strong silent type." Henceforth, we shall endeavor to be more like Justice Breyer (who has unleashed nearly 35,000 words during oral arguments since January). Soon, you, like the poor lawyers appearing before Breyer, will be begging us to shut the fuck up.

* -- bad example; in Thomas' case silence does likely indicate a complete and utter lack of brain activity.

Curt Schilling is a Clown Bag

2007-06-08T10:26:00.000-07:00

F*ck Curt Schilling.

Plain and simple. F*ck him right in the pants.

That loud mouth prick deserves a no-hitter like Paris Hilton deserves a MacArthur Grant. Don't whine and cry about how sad it is he lost the no-hitter, and try to act like, aw shucks, that really would have been cool. NO! No it wouldn't have! Im just amazed he wasn't blogging about how great he is between innings. Im not sure why some bloated poo slinger who spends half the season doing his impression of an Iron Mike pitching machine thinks that anyone gives a flying f*ck what he thinks. This guy writes more opinions than the Supreme Court. Has he ever kept is mouth shut about anything? He's a bitter ego maniac who thinks people actually give two shiney sh*ts what he thinks. Erroneous! No one does!

I will go to him for two things: how to throw batting practice, and where do I get the best waffles. That's it. He's a mullet-headed thumber who needs to shove that bloody sock in his mouth and never speak again.

And quit deifying this guy because he threw on a bum ankle. Whoop dee freaking do! Aww, is his leg bleeding? Tough sh*t, hopalong. I doubt that was even his blood. I mean, if Curt Schilling was bleeding, that sock would be soaked in gravy.

Shannon Stewart is a hero, and should be treated as such. If he doesn't get that hit yesterday, then I and millions of Americans like me would have been forced to watch hour after hour, and listen day after day, about how special this no-hitter was and how great Schilling is and how this will get him in the hall of fame. Um, no. Bud Smith threw a no-hitter. So did Juan Nieves, and about a dozen other rag arms. Let's not act like throwing a no-no is some sort of golden ticket to immortality. Its nice. Its impressive. And thank the good lord, Curt Schilling hasn't done it.

Where you been?

2006-01-12T11:30:00.000-08:00

Wow, almost a year since anyone has posted here. What the heck happened? Who cares. We're back, and coming with much more authority than before.

Memo to girls: We will hold the door and wait for you, you don't have to run. Ever see a woman coming towards a door you just exited, and you hold it because you are a good guy, and that's what good guys do? Well, near the end, most girls will give that head down, shy jog at the very end. Look, we knew how far away you were when we held the door, so we have already decided we don't mind waiting. Trust me, if you were so far that holding it would be too much of a hassle, we wouldn't have held it. There is a threshold for people when holding doors, and if you cross it, we transform into doormen for that moment. You have complete autonomy to maintain your pace. We've calculated your arrival time, so speeding it up isn't necessary.

LIVING WILL

2005-04-01T09:38:00.000-08:00

Props to Licht for sending this to me . . .

Living will is the best revenge
By ROBERT FRIEDMAN, Perspective Editor
Published March 27, 2005

Like many of you, I have been compelled by recent events to prepare a more detailed advance directive dealing with end-of-life issues. Here's what mine says:

In the event I lapse into a persistent vegetative state, I want medical authorities to resort to extraordinary means to prolong my hellish semi existence. Fifteen years wouldn't be long enough for me.

I want my wife and my parents to compound their misery by engaging in a bitter and protracted feud that depletes their emotions and their bank accounts.

I want my wife to ruin the rest of her life by maintaining an interminable vigil at my bedside. I'd be really jealous if she waited less than a decade to start dating again or otherwise rebuilding a semblance of a normal life.

I want my case to be turned into a circus by losers and crackpots from around the country who hope to bring meaning to their empty lives by investing the same transient emotion in me that they once reserved for Laci Peterson, Chandra Levy and that little girl who got stuck in a well.

I want those crackpots to spread vicious lies about my wife.

I want to be placed in a hospice where protesters can gather to bring further grief and disruption to the lives of dozens of dying patients and families whose stories are sadder than my own.

I want the people who attach themselves to my case because of their deep devotion to the sanctity of life to make death threats against any judges, elected officials or health care
professionals who disagree with them.

I want the medical geniuses and philosopher kings who populate the Florida Legislature to ignore me for more than a decade and then turn my case into a forum for weeks of politically calculated bloviation.

I want total strangers - oily politicians, maudlin news anchors, ersatz friars and all other hangers-on - to start calling me "Bobby," as if they had known me since childhood.

I'm not insisting on this as part of my directive, but it would be nice if Congress passed a "Bobby's Law" that applied only to me and ignored the medical needs of tens of millions of other Americans without adequate health coverage.

Even if the "Bobby's Law" idea doesn't work out, I want Congress - especially all those self-described conservatives who claim to believe in "less government and more freedom" - to trample on the decisions of doctors, judges and other experts who actually know something about my case. And I want members of Congress to launch into an extended debate that gives them another excuse to avoid pesky issues such as national security and the economy.

In particular, I want House Majority Leader Tom Delay to use my case as an opportunity to divert the country's attention from the mounting political and legal troubles stemming from his slimy misbehavior.

And I want Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist to make a mockery of his Harvard medical degree by misrepresenting the details of my case in ways that might give a boost to his 2008 presidential campaign.

I want Frist and the rest of the world to judge my medical condition on the basis of a snippet of dated and demeaning videotape that should have remained private.

Because I think I would retain my sense of humor even in a persistent vegetative state, I'd want President Bush - the same guy who publicly mocked Karla Faye Tucker when signing off on her death warrant as governor of Texas - to claim he was intervening in my case because it is always best "to err on the side of life."

I want the state Department of Children and Families to step in at the last moment to take responsibility for my well-being, because nothing bad could ever happen to anyone under DCF's care.

And because Gov. Jeb Bush is the smartest and most righteous human being on the face of the Earth, I want any and all of the aforementioned directives to be disregarded if the governor happens to disagree with them. If he says he knows what's best for me, I won't be in any position to argue.

BODY IMAGE

2005-02-24T13:57:00.000-08:00

-- BREAKING A FILIBUSTER
Rep. Bill Cadman, R-Colorado Springs, warned a colleague Tuesday on the floor of the House, "If you try that again, I'll ram my fist up your ass."

Cadman refused to apologize. Instead, Cadman was splitting hairs. He insisted the responsibility was reciprocal: The fellow he'd threatened, Rep. Val Vigil, D-Thornton, should have to apologize, too, because Vigil had told Cadman he was "garbage." In fact, Cadman suggested, Vigil should apologize first, presumably because he'd "started it," to use the playground lingo appropriate for these two legislative titans.

Though crass, I bet Cadman will have no problem pushing his legislative agenda through – I mean, compared to an anus, a gridlocked legislature is like an oiled slip-n-slide.

A THOROUGH CIRCUMCISION
A man had to have his penis sewn back on after his girlfriend cut it off and flushed it down the toilet.

Kim Tran, of Anchorage, Alaska reportedly persuaded the boyfriend to let her tie his arms to a windowsill for kinky sex after a row about breaking up. She then grabbed a kitchen knife and cut off his manhood. Water board workers had to dismantle the toilet to find his penis, which surgeons reattached.

Seriously, women don’t get this – don’t cut off our dicks, no matter what we do. It’s just really fucked up. I’m sure he did something outrageous like not putting the toilet seat down, but nothing justifies cutting off someone’s dick. What if we tied you up and cut off your breast? We’d never get out of jail – and while we were in jail, we would likely be Cadman’d (see above). And speaking of breasts . . .

TITTIES ON THE BRAIN
Girls, please comment on this entry to determine the accuracy of Lorenzoni’s research:

An Italian sex researcher claims he can tell a woman's personality from the size and shape of her breasts. Sexologist Piero Lorenzoni said: "A woman's breasts denote a woman's character, just like her star sign."

He has categorized breast types according to fruits and says men can draw up their own horoscope-type chart that indicates what a woman's chest size says about her.

The fruity chart starts naturally with the traditional melon. According to Lorenzoni, a woman with large, round breasts like a melon may appear motherly, but is far from it. "She likes eating and wants to be spoiled and admired. But seldom likes sex," he said.

For men who want someone a bit more lively they should choose a woman with "lemon" breasts - pert and prominent. "These women are full of life and can laugh at themselves. They want a balanced life without surprises."

Pert, oval-shaped breasts are for Lorenzoni like pineapples. "A woman with pineapple breasts is intelligent, often has a career but is still romantic. They are also faithful. Whoever wins their heart will not lose it quickly."

Grapefruit-shaped breasts - pert and firm - are also not a good sign for good sex. "This woman may look erotic, but in reality is bashful and homely. She spoils her partner but prefers tenderness over sex."

Even women with "oranges" are not going to turn up the temperature between the sheets. "While she is self-confident and knows her goals, she has little interest in sex. She likes conversation and partnerships."

Small breasted women, with assets that resemble cherries are "funny and very exciting. They are entertaining and intelligent. Make great partners both for everyday life and on holiday and are moderately interested in sex," says the researcher.

A woman with pear-shaped breasts "Loves love in all its variations. She can be very religious, but is known to have affairs."

A few thoughts: (1) Lorenzoni says that this system will be as accurate in determining a woman’s character as her “star sign.” Wow, really going out on a limb there, Piero. (2) If I ever take off a girl’s shirt and her breasts look like pineapples, I’m running like hell. (3) Guys, make sure you do your suggested project and “draw up your own horoscope-type chart.” (4) I'm gonna have a hard time picking a girl up carrying around a basket of fruit. (5) This is clearly the dumbest thing I have ever seen – and that Piero spent so much time on it, I’m speechless. (5) I’m suddenly hungry for produce.
-- SMP

There's Somebody Out There For Everyone

2005-02-14T11:00:00.000-08:00

-- True love is hard to find -- and I for one can tell you that you aren't likely to find it at Pacers, Cheetah's, or even Tijuana, but I digress. Valentine's day can be difficult for those who haven't yet found Mr./Mrs. Right. To make this day a little easier for the single, here are two "love" stories to keep you warm, even if no one else in this cruel world will cuddle with you this Valentine's Day . . .

"Love" Story #1 -- If You Touch Me Again, I'll Cut Your Fucking Hand Off
NEWARK, New Jersey (AP) -- A security screener at Newark Liberty International Airport failed to spot a butcher knife in a passenger's pocketbook and was removed from the post for retraining, officials said.

Katrina Bell, 27, had cleared security and was waiting with her sister to board a flight on Saturday morning when she discovered she was carrying a knife. Bell had put the knife in her bag "just in case" before going on a blind date earlier that week, her sister and travel companion, Tikisha Bell Gowens, 30, said in The Sunday Star-Ledger of Newark.

Here's a transcript of a later conversation between Bell and a TSA Official:
TSA -- Is that really the only excuse you can come up with for having a knife? Maam, were you trying to hijack the plane?
Bell -- Um, no, the knife was to stab my blind date in the nuts if he didn't pay for the movie.
TSA -- Um, maam, would you like to change your answer?
Bell -- Shit no, it wasn't no matinee. I ain't got $15 to see Jamie Fox try to act like a blind man.

Later, we spoke to Avalon Johnson, Bell's blind date, while he was in post-op at Newark Memorial Hospital:
Johnson: My friends said she was sharp, but I thought they meant something else all together. I just wish I had known the truth before I tried to steal a shrimp off her plate at Long John Silver's.

Bell later complained that airport security sucked. "Suppose someone else had this knife and their motive was to hijack the plane (rather than stab an unsuspecting suitor)?" Bell said. "Come on, now. I had a butcher knife. How do you miss that? How many years do you need to get this right?"

Bell has a point. However, maybe we shouldn't accept points from someone who: (1) put the knife in her purse for a date; or (2) forgot to take it out before flying. A moron calling the idiot stupid, no?

Consig and SMP decided it would be nice of us to provide Bell with some alternative excuses for the next time she tries to carry a potential murder weapon on a flight. First, she should have just taken it out, put it in the basket with her keys and watch -- acted like she knew what she was doing.
TSA: Maam, what's that?
Bell: That? Ain't you ever seen a butcher knife?
Bell then could have gone in one of two possible directions:
(1) Bell: I brought in case I sit next to someone too chatty on the plane, or a crying baby happens to be sitting behind me. OR
(2) Bell: I don't like the knife and fork they include with the meal. I really like to cut up my Salisbury steak. Plus, the the food on planes is usually somewhere near frozen. I need leverage, damnit!

Either of these alternatives is far better than admitting you're one bad date away from a homicide rap.

"Love" Story #2 -- When Pedophilia Has A Happy Ending (Or You CAN Rape The Willing)
SEATTLE - Mary Kay Letourneau plans to marry the former sixth-grade pupil with whom she had two children, months after her release from prison for raping him, according to an online bridal registry.

Letourneau, 43, and Vili Fualaau, 22, set a wedding date of April 16, according to their registry at a department store. Letourneau served 7 1/2 years on a 1997 conviction for raping Fualaau, who has said in the past that he hoped to wed his former teacher. Letourneau was a 34-year-old married mother of four when she began a sexual relationship with her then-12-year-old elementary school student in 1996. She was pregnant with Fualaau's first child when she was arrested in 1997 and ordered to serve a six-month sentence for second-degree child rape. One month after she was released, Letourneau was caught having sex with Fualaau in her car.

Comments on the wedding: "It's been long overdue," Noel Soriano, a friend of the couple, told the Seattle Post-Intelligencer in a story published Monday. "It's going to be fabulous, seeing them get hitched finally. They have gone through a lot," Soriano said. "That they lasted this long proves how strong their love is."

Obviously, this whole situation is beyond fucked up, but two facts beg discussion. First, the Letourneau-Fualaau wedding is registered (yes, like Letourneau herself, but not in a sex-offender registry). What do you get the couple that was brought together by child molestation?
Consig: Bob got them the toaster? Oh, that's nice. I got them the Sesame Street pajamas with the feet, and every Roman Polanski movie ever made.
SMP: That's very heartfelt, and they'll get a lot of use out of those gifts -- good going, Consig. I went in a sexier direction -- I got them something for the bedroom. I found two of those cute little dolls counselors use to find out how a molestation victim was touched, one boy and one girl. That way they can laugh about old times and tell each other what turns them on!

And then there's Noel Soriano . . . we should arrest this guy on pure principle for this statement: "They have gone through a lot; that they lasted this long proves how strong their love is."Ahhh, when pedophilia works out -- it's a beautiful thing.

A love so pure and deep should give all of us hope that one day, we too can find that perfect person -- and that, friends, should warm even the lonliest of hearts this fine Valentine's Day.

-- A rare Consig/SMP collaboration

Random thoughts

2005-02-03T15:05:00.000-08:00

AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOUR WORK?
A senior U.S. Marine Corps general who said it was "fun to shoot some people" should have chosen his words more carefully but will not be disciplined, military officials said on Thursday.

Lt. Gen. James Mattis, who led troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, made the comments at a conference Tuesday in San Diego. Mattis said: "Actually it's quite fun to fight 'em, you know. It's a hell of a hoot. It's fun to shoot some people. I'll be right up front with you, I like brawling," said Mattis. "You go into Afghanistan, you got guys who slap women around for five years because they didn't wear a veil," Mattis said during a panel discussion. "You know, guys like that ain't got no manhood left anyway. So it's a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them."

Have we become so politically correct that we send people to war, to kill people, but they must be ashamed of going to war to kill people? Isn't this the kind of guy you want fighting a war?

When your boss asks you how you like your job, you don't say "I hate [insert everyday job duty here]." Do what you love, and happiness will come. Though killing is a bit of a strange passion, Mattis seems to have found a place where he fits in quite well. Can't look down on him for that.

BE AFRAID IKEA, BE VERY AFRAID
Once every five years, IKEA has some tough competition. A Chinese man named Wu has patented his technique for growing his own wooden chairs. Wu moulds elm tree branches into shape while the tree is still growing.

Wu, who's in his 60s, says it takes him about five years to grow a tree chair, from saplings to the finished article. Mr Wu has one tree chair in his home, which he harvested last September, and six more growing in his field.

Wu hopes that one day people will be able to grow all of their furniture instead of having to buy it from a store. While we're dreaming, Mr. Wu, I hope that one day all women will throw themselves at my feet, so I won't have to approach them and create awkward social situations at bars.

CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR MY EVENTUAL WIFE
Finally, a woman can be controlled like digital cable. The orgasmatron, originally designed to aid back pain, has given sexual pleasure to 10 out of 11 women who have tried it. The device, implanted into the buttocks, is said to produce an orgasm at the push of a button.

The device consists of two implanted electrodes which are connected by wires to nerves in the spinal cord. With a remote-control they can send tiny pulses of electricity through their spinal nerves, which can lead to orgasm. If this thing has TiVo . . .

It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you...

2005-02-03T11:08:00.000-08:00

...without a dope blog to step to.

Tis I, the Consigliari, finally back in the mix. I have been gone for so long! I wish I had a better excuse than the real one, but I just couldn't come up with one. You see, my cherubs, the Consigliari is in love. I know, I know, say it aint so. Ladies, let me just say that a choice has been made, and thanks to all who applied. I will pass your resumes on to my assistant, the house midget. Now, while love is a many splendored thing, it is not conducive to effective blog writing. The blog writer, to properly sate the rabid appetites of his readership, must rely on cynicism, ire, spite and utter disdain for the human population. In a cruel twist of fate, love nullifies all of these things. One is left with things like hope, optimism, and a picture of the world through rose colored glasses - hardly the building blocks of comedy. Honestly, who is funnier: George Carlin or Barney? Louis Black or Mr. Rogers? I rest my case....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have I told you about my new money making venture? It is quite lucrative. I am planning on selling "No Soliciting" signs door-to-door. Sure, the drawback is no repeat business, but the selling technique is flawless.

ME: Sir, would you like to buy a No Soliciting sign?
SHUT-IN: No.
ME: Ok. See you tomorrow.
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Was at Starbucks with my new PIC (Partner In Crime, heretofore referred to as "Ace"). Ace goes there everyday, drops her 5.50 on a ventilowfatsugarfreevanillalatte, and it occurred to me that the drinks are probably priced in unison with the various pay scales of the baristas (aka "bean monkeys"). I wonder, is Sally Struthers running Starbucks now? This reeks of the "Adopt a Child" program she has been hawking during episodes of Saved By the Bell: The College Years and re-reruns of Golden Girls on Lifetime. I think this is a great marketing scheme. Make you feel like you are really getting value for your 5 dollar cup of coffee. "Please, buy Starbucks lattes. With just your 5 dollars a day, we can send this young barista to a community college or a cosmotology school. Every month, your barista will write you a letter and send pictures. Here's Beverly, a former meth addict. This photo was taken in her studio apartment, enjoying the ramen noodles your 5 dollars helped buy. And here is Keith. This one was taken at the Olive Garden, where he was able to dine after his adoptive caffeine-addict splurged on a lemon bar." It's genius, and I am willing to take but an agent's cut of the profits...

Beer is Bad for You

2005-01-28T14:28:00.000-08:00

You hear it all the time. Waaah, beer hurts your liver. Waaaah, beer makes you fat. Waaah, when you drink too much you turn into a completely different person who is totally inconsiderate of . . . sorry, got a little too personal there. The point is this: All the time people are bitching and moaning about the evils of beer. Well, I for one am tired of it. It's time for beer drinkers everywhere to stand tall . . . nay, to stand proud, in defense of their most precious beverage. Now, a tale extolling the virtues of the most wonderful of liquids . . .

Once upon a time in the Slovak Tatra Mountains, a man, a hero, named Richard Kral was found drunk and staggering along a mountain path. Richard, who was on holiday, had drank 60 half-litre bottles of beer while in his Audi. Drinking in his car!?!?!? What an alcoholic prick, you are undoubtedly thinking.

Why would anyone drink this much beer, while in their car, no less? Turns out parts of Europe have been hit by the heaviest snowfalls since 1941, with some places registering more than ten feet of snow in 24 hours. While driving to his holiday in the mountains, Richard became trapped in his car under an avalanche. Richie decided to kill two birds with one stone -- get hammered AND piss his way to freedom!

Richard the Lionhearted decided to drink 60 bottles of beer and urinate on the snow to melt it, creating a "yellow tunnel of life." The man scooped the snow from above him and packed it down below the window. Then he peed on it to melt it. The man later said, "It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt."

After this great ordeal, Richard could only say, "I'm glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful."

After hearing a tale of this magnatude, one naturally has the urge to reexamine one's life and gain meaning from the story told. I've done so, and I'll share lessons I've gleaned from this story of human triumph with you:

1) Respect beer -- it can keep you sane, and in a pinch, it can save your life.

2) Never, never, never, under ANY circumstances, eat the yellow snow.

**Props to Chungs for bringing this story to my attention.

Milk, Cookies . . . And Sexy Paaaarties!

2005-01-21T13:47:00.000-08:00

I remember when I was in high school, "cool moms" let us stay up late at sleepovers, or maybe drove us to teepee some girl's house . . . now, it's Boogie Nights.

In Arvada, Colorado, a woman who wanted to be known as a "cool mom" supplied alcohol and drugs to teenage boys. Then she had sex with them (Story).

Sylvia "Rollergirl" Johnson, in a desperate attempt to hang with the cool kids, had parties for high school boys almost every week between October 2003 and October 2004 and gave them marijuana, meth and alcohol. Johnson told investigators that "she wasn't popular in high school, but recently felt like one of the group."

What a fucking whacko. Rollergirl felt peer pressure from her own kids. Can someone let me know when moms ceased to be moms and began trying to be friends? If you're a halfway decent parent, your kids aren't always going to like you. Their high school friends probably will think you suck and won't let your kid do anything fun. That's your job -- to keep your kids from running around drinking, smoking pot, and doing meth. I guess Rollergirl got the wrong memo.

A preliminary hearing in the case is set for next month. Johnson will likely enter a plea of hopelessly pathetic.

Quick Hitter (Consigliari)

2005-01-14T17:00:00.000-08:00

Whos your daddy. Let me weigh in. We have a sort of tradition in my house where we attempt to watch the worst shows we can find, just so we can sit around and destroy them like Mystery Science 3000 (like, the election for instance). We actually watched every episdoe of the Benefactor simply for the comedic value. Well, this show last night was so damn awful, I cant begin to explain it. A woman, who was given up for adoption, trying to figure out who her dad was from amongst 8 guys, 7 of whom were actors. It became so insane. First was the cocktail party, which meant 7 of them were looking at her ass, which is creepy in and of itself. Then half were cut, and some of them were crying they were so emotional. Can you imagine these dorks, actors, putting on their resume that they played Dad #4 on this show? (um, she didnt pick me, but do i get my SAG card?) Then she took them to an empty club and they danced for her (apparently her dad was a disco champ) so it had the feel of My Two Dads meets Chippendales. It was AWFUL!. Then, she got to talk to her dad on IM. Thats right, online chatting with your dad. They didnt show evereything he wrote, but Im secretly hoping "what are you wearing?" was in there. Fucking great comedy. Then she cut it to two, and had a one on one with each, in which she asked BOTH GUYS "Why did you give me up?" How do you go through that emotion twice, knowing that one is lying?????? (her brilliant quote was, "I know one of these guys is lying, but one will tell me the truth." wow.) she eventually picked the right guy, so she gets not only a reunion with her real father, but also.....100K! So, here he is, telling his daughter, Im so proud of you. Proud? First, you have no idea about her at all, she is still a stranger. Second, what you DO know about her is that she exploited this reunion to make money and be on TV. I would so NOT be proud of her!!!!! At this point, i took the batteries out of the remote because we were all feeling like less of a human. thank god i did. next came out her step sisters! oh dear god, the most awkward moment in history. (tjs roommate "they dont look very happy." tj "thats because they all just lost 1/4 of their inheritance.") Then her real mom came in, while dad looked on and gushed. he called it the happiest moment of his life, while his three kids looked on! Can you imagine the thoughts in their heads? Um, dad sure looks happy. This guy was basically celebrating a life he had lost right in front of his current family. Needless to say, the new wife was no where to be found....I imagine she wasnt exactly popping champagne over this event.....

*******

What happened to Ice Cube? He was a great hip hop artist, then started doing movies. So his music fell off, but the movies were actually good (Boyz in the Hood, Glass Shield, Friday). Now, his movies stink! (All ABout the Benjamins, XXX Part 2, Are We There Yet?) Who knew Hollywood could absolutely ruin such a talented individual (and if you dont think he has talent, you just dont get AmeriKKKas Most Wanted or Death Certificate). Poor guy has gone from Straight Outta Compton, to Straight To Video.

*******

Lastly, I would like to thank ESPN for the absolute abuse they have been giving me. I cant explain why, but we watched the first half of Tilt last night, the new ESPN original show about poker in Vegas. Good premise, and starring bad ass Michael Madsen. Well, after singlehandedly erasing all previous quality work from the resumes of Brian Dennehy, Barry Pepper, Tom Sizemore, and Tom Berenger, they seem destined to destroy any legacy Madsen had in the movie business.

These projects are so ridiculous, so over the top, and so poorly written, I need to know who keeps greenlighting these cheap pieces of crap. And it really wouldnt be so bad if they just snuck these flicks onto ESPN2 every now and then, but they insist on bashing the viewer over the head with so much hype, you can't figure out if a new show is coming, or the Messiah himself. Seriously, if Jesus announced his return, ESPN would flash it on the ticker during a replay of 3: The Dale Earnhardt Story.

And 3 really was the straw that broke my back. Day after day, I had to hear it was coming, with bad clip after another ("I aint going back to school, Daddy.") until finally they showed it. All the red staters watched it, Im sure, because it got a decent number, but then they insited on showing it over and over and over again. They were actually selling the DVD the next day!

I just feel violated by ESPN, and it is time I spoke up. My roommates could see it early on, the disheveled look, some slight bruising around my arms after Playmakers. "You ok?" they would ask? Yeah, Im fine. No problems. Then The Junction Boys was on, and Season on the Brink. I started showing up to school with the look of a battered human. "Were you in a fight?" people would ask. "I fell." I would say. "I just fell, Im ok." Finally 3 came out, and I really started to feel violated. I called ESPN, asked them to stop showing these awful movies. "We wouldn't show them so often if we didnt love you so much," they would say. I guess, that's right. It's for my own good really. Well, after Tilt, it's time for me to speak up. Im staying at a friend's house now, where he doesn't have cable. ESPN tries to send me magazines and pop up ads, but I just ignore them. I miss ESPN, I mean, we had some good times. The Cal Ripken game. The 6 OT NHL playoff game. So many College World Series'! But, it's over. ESPN, either get your act together, or Im leaving you.

Survivor: Palau (consigliari)

2005-01-13T16:11:00.000-08:00

The cast to the next edition of Survivor was announced (and does it get any stranger than a "reality" show calling its contestants the "cast"?) I am taking the list from a Yahoo News story, which lists names, ages, occupations, and locale. I dont even want to know the total story on these people, because my own thoughts will be better than anything they can tell me. A quick peek at the next group of island dwellers:

Coby Archa, 32, hairstylist from Athens, Texas
*Coby? This is a guy's name right? I'll assume he is the token gay guy. Is there a straight male hairstylist in America? I mean, honestly, is there?

Ashlee Ashbee, 22, student from Easley, South Carolina
*The closest collegs to Easley, SC are Clemson, Furman, Bob Jones Univ, Greenville Technical College, Tri-County Technical College, and Spartanburg Technical College. First, there are a ton of Tech colleges aren't there. Im guessing one is never to go without refrigerator or air conditioner repair for very long in Easley. As for where Ashlee Ashbee goes (that has to be a stage name, and if it isnt, someone flog her parents) I just hope it isnt Clemson. I want it to be Bob Jones U so bad, it hurts. You know, Bob Jones U, the famously racist and bigoted college that dear old G Dubya spoke at?

Gregg Carey, 28, business consultant from Chicago
*Guarenteed to be a real prick. Also, "business consultant" = "unemployed"

Bobby John Drinkard, 27, waiter from Santa Monica
*The token non-actor actor getting his big break by starving himself and eating scorpions. Good luck, Bobby-John. Here's a hint - actors come up with good names to replace the crappy ones they had. Just a tip.

Katie Gallagher, 29, advertising exec from Merced, California
*Merced Population: 63,893. You could accomplish your advertising goals with a bull horn and flyers on telephone polls in this town. Merced doesn't need an advertising firm, much less advertising executives.

Caryn Groedel, 46, civil rights attorney from Solon, Ohio
*Solon, OH demographic: 88% white, 6% black, 6% other. In a town with a population of 21,802, Caryn has 2600 potential clients. I can't decide if this is genius or ludicrous. It just feels like opening a soul food joint in Simi Valley.

Angie Jakusz, 24, bartender from New Orleans
*Aka, The Drunk. Lucky this isnt Real World or Angie would be floating face down in the spa, suffering alcohol poisoning by episode 3.

Jolanda Jones, 39, lawyer from Houston
*Im just excited about the name Jolanda.

Stephenie LaGrossa, 25, pharmaceutical sales rep from Philadelphia
*I have no joke here, but I sense Steph isn't exactly the life of the party.

Jonathan Libby, 23,works in sales and marketing in Dallas
*Cold calls people. I hate him already. Hopefully to be bitten by something large and poisonous.

Jennifer Lyon, 32, nanny from Encino, California
*At least she is used to being filmed 24 hours a day.

James Miller, 32, steel worker from Mobile, Alabama
*Early nominee for "Most likely to punch someone." I imagine this guy is very tolerant. Someone tell the hairstylist to watch his back.

Kimberly Mullen, 25, grad student from Huber Heights, Ohio
*Likely attends Dayton, but I don't want to rule out the other college in Huber Heights - The Carousel of Miami Valley Beauty College.

Ibreheim Rahman, 27, waiter from Birmingham, Alabama
*Should consider a name change. He screams Home Security Watch List.

Ian Rosenberger, 23, dolphin trainer from Key Largo, Florida
*The fact that this is a an actual job is the stunning part. Makes me wonder which careers actually contribute less to society.

Wanda Shirk, 55, English teacher from Ulysses, Pennsylvania
*A 55 year old female english teacher. Is it sexist to assume she will be cut first?

Willard Smith, 57, lawyer from Bellevue, Washington
*Another lawyer. Is that three? I feel like they are saying something about the deceitful nature of the game, and that lawyers are best suited for it. It would be great to see all three form an alliance, and then systematically stab each other in the back. Sigh, we are so hated.

Janu Tornell, 39, Las Vegas showgirl
*God I hope the word "retired" is missing solely because of a typo.

Tom Westman, 41, firefighter from Sayville, New York
*Fireman. Good. We love them. Instantly the favorite cast member.

Jeff Wilson, 21, personal trainer from Ventura, California
*Odds of his one item that he brings with him being a mirror: 100% Probobly does gay porn.

Hammer finally gets a gig

2005-01-11T15:49:00.000-08:00

Hammer is finally back in the spotlight -- where he deserves to be. What is MC's new gig, you ask? The good Hammer officiated the 4th marriage of Motley Crue frontman Vince Neil in Las Vegas. Neil and his lady "exchanged vows in front of a "celebrity" crowd that included Tommy Lee, Nikki Sixx, Dennis Rodman and Playboy Playmate Brande Roderick." (Story here)

This brings up several questions. First, was this Hammer's first paying gig since the 2-Legit-2-Quit tour? I know in the Catholic Church, you usually kick the priest a "tip" for doing the nuptuals -- is it the same at a coked-up, doomed-to-fail ceremony in Las Vegas. If so, congrats to Hammer, this could help ease his financial woes.

Second, is this an episode of the "Surreal Life" and no one has told us yet? One would have to think that the odds of getting a group of people like this together are about zero, unless there's a last-gasp attempt at fame to be had by being there.

Finally, the article notes that "Motley Crue, the 1980s metal band known for their hard partying and wild sexcapades, recently reunited after a five-year hiatus." Who knew? Make sure to check them out when their tour hits your local Indian Casino.

The Year in Review, 2004

2005-01-11T13:37:00.000-08:00

This post is a meme devoted to the best sentence in the best post from each month in 2004 from my old blog, The Ramblings of a Madman. Again, stolen from srah. I am just a blatant thief.....

January 21: Dean is the emotional equivalent of Mr Toads Wild ride, bouncing off walls, high off of some sort of amalgum of Sanka and bumper sticker glue.
February 11: Second, it's very reassuring to know that I'll be staking my survival in a roaring ocean to 4 square feet of fabric, foam and beer farts.
March 16: Meanwhile, people like me wax poetically about Bananarama and the theme from Greatest American Hero.
April 15: I've decided to stop being polite.
May 21: So, in light of the fact that I am an absolute expert, here are TJs 10 Greatest Sit Coms of All Time.
June 22: There is sick. There is ill. Then, there is the flight home from Vegas.
July 27: How nostalgic can you be about a concept like "a little while ago?"
August 6: Tranquility Breeds Acuity
September 14: Suffice it to say, it is the story of the world's biggest dork, Mark Cuban, leading the greatest collection of people with all the cockiness in the world, and no reason to have it.
October 8: Ok, I am totally ripping this off from a guy who ripped it off from George Carlin, but just some phrases that I think need to go:
November 17: This show says that it caters to the "black lesbian feminist" as the host and her two life partners discuss pertinent issues. Is there a more narrow demographic on the face of the earth?
December 21: 100 things my son should know:

La Musica

2005-01-11T13:30:00.000-08:00

Good Music: The Grey Album, DJ Dangermouse

Please, PLEASE, click the link to the right under "What We Are Listening To" and download this genius piece of work. DJ DM has taken The Black Album from Jay Z and The White Album by the Beatles, and merged them, to form....duh, the Grey Album. This thing is so amazing, I can't explain it in words. Just check it out. You can listen on the website linked, or download (though the producers of this online-only album are currently fighting with the holders of the rights to the White Album, so there is a risk of infringement by association). I, of course, only recommend that you listen online, and do not download. I in no way encourage any form of copyright infringement, and offer the link solely for the purpose of hearing the selections, and not downloading them.

Thanks to srah at Srah Blah Blah Blah who has led me to Songs to Wear Pants To, a brilliant site where what appears to be an aspiring musician (or very bored non-musician) takes random suggestions from people, and turns them into songs. Srah and I agree that selection #0126 is the most delightful, for what reason, i do know know. Most likely, the absurdity of it.....

Garbage Picking Up Garbage

2005-01-11T13:03:00.000-08:00

.

Ah, those nutty kids on the Supreme Court. Today's adventure deals with allowing state supported publicity for the Ku Klux Klan. I know, that seems extreme, but whatever happened to "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone?" I should think that the Missouri state government should be allowed to refuse the KKK in their request to participate in the Adopt-a-Highway program. If the state can't give funds to organizations that exclude members on the basis of race (Of course, I am only assuming that the KKK does such a thing...) then the state should be allowed to refuse to accept funds from such an organization. Of course, the real question is, when they are in the orange jumpsuits, will they wear orange hoods too? And for the KKK to adopt a highway, which due to the asphalt I am sure is entirely black, that seems to violate one of their core premises.

Mississippi Burning -- The Exciting Conclusion

2005-01-11T10:08:00.000-08:00

Who says this Blog doesn't have an impact -- just one day after my post, the Jackson-George Regional Library System board of trustees voted 5-2 Monday to lift the ban on "America", and the book was returned. Now the fine citizens of Mississippi can again make themselves ill by looking at nude Supreme Court Justices.

Blog entry / lifting of ban, one day apart -- coincidence? I think not.

Mississippi Burning My Prurient Interests

2005-01-10T13:57:00.000-08:00

For all you perverts out there that get off on fake pictures of elderly nude people, don't try to get your jollies at the Jackson-George Regional Library System in Mississippi's Jackson and George counties anymore. These libraries, in their infinite wisdom, have banned the extremely prurient "America" by John Stewart in an attempt to keep chaste their library shelves (Story). Their complaint? The book is obscene because it features the faces of the nine Supreme Court justices superimposed over naked bodies.

Library director Robert Willits explains the ban like this: "We're not an adult bookstore. Our entire collection is open to the entire public," Willits said. "If they had published the book without that one picture, that one page, we'd have the book."

Now, adult bookstores stock some nasty stuff -- every arguably legal fetish is catered to (I've heard) -- but certainly no adult bookstore maintains an "elderly nude person standing there" section (at least none that I would frequent). Generally, obscenity is intended to arouse the viewer, not make them engage in projectile vomiting (on a side note, this book could be a key weapon in the Right Wing's pro-abstinence crusade if made required reading for high-schoolers).

Supreme Court justice Potter Stewart said it best: I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be [obscene] . . . [b]ut I know it when I see it (See Jacobellis v. Ohio, 378 U.S. 184, 197 (1964)).

Like Potter, I too am well-versed in identifying obscene material. In my professional opinion, the nudes in "America" are disturbing, disgusting, and hilarious, but they are certainly not obscene. Mr. Willits, please refrain from referring to them as such -- you're ruining true obscenity for me.

THE SOUTH HAS RISEN AGAIN!!

2005-01-06T16:15:00.000-08:00

Hope everyone had a happy holiday, and sorry for the absence (or you're welcome, depending on your enjoyment of my posts) -- anyway, this story from CNN.com has compelled me to return to the blog -- this is real, NOT a joke . . . a non-joke that I will now break down paragraph by paragraph (my comments in blue italics) . . .

TEEN SUES OVER CONFEDERATE FLAG PROM DRESS

LEXINGTON, Kentucky (AP) -- A teenager is suing her school district for barring her from the prom last spring because she was wearing a dress styled as a large Confederate battle flag.
Off the bat, you can already see that the liberal media is against this girl -- a "large" Confederate flag dress -- are they calling her fat (check out the story on CNN.com and you will see that she is rather plump)?

The lawsuit filed Monday in U.S. District Court claims the Greenup County district and administrators violated Jacqueline Duty's First Amendment right to free speech and her right to celebrate her heritage at predominantly white Russell High School's prom May 1. She also is suing for defamation, false imprisonment and assault.
Dear Jackie was "celebrating her heritage" at Russell High's prom -- what a heritage to celebrate -- drinking homemade liquor out of a clay jug while playing a banjo and keeping slaves -- personally, I'd be wishing for "heritage amnesia" -- this just in, an Aryan kid is trying to go to a polka party in Germany dressed as Hitler.

"Her only dance for her senior prom was on the sidewalk to a song playing on the radio," said her lawyer, Earl-Ray Neal.
Too…many…jokes…Hey Earl-Ray, maybe you would be taken more seriously as an attorney if you went by E. Ray Neal, Esq., or Earl R. Neal, Attorney at Law – “Earl-Ray” doesn’t really give me confidence that you’re capable of anything other than assassinating a Civil Rights leader.

Duty, 19, is seeking actual and punitive damages in excess of $50,000. She said she worked on the design for the dress for four years, though she acknowledged that some might find the Confederate flag offensive.
Four years!?!?! It took her four years to come up with the concept of putting a flag on a piece of cloth – sadly, those four years of “thought” are the closest Duty will ever come to completing college.

“Everyone has their own opinion. But that's not mine," she told reporters outside the courthouse. "I'm proud of where I came from and my background."
Yes, that is true – many people don’t agree with a flag that symbolizes the enslavement of other human beings based solely on the color of their skin – you have to say one thing for Duty, she’s an independent thinker.

Duty, now a college student, said school officials told her before the prom not to wear the dress, but she didn't have another one and decided to see if administrators would change their minds.
She didn’t have another dress – this is too fuckin’ good – the only dress this girl owns is a confederate flag dress! Funeral? Wear the flag! Cocktail party? You got it, wear the flag! It’s the new “little black dress”!

According to her lawsuit, she was met outside by two police officers and principal Sean Howard. She said the principal intimidated her by striking the vehicle she was in.
Maybe the South IS coming around – finally, Southern cops and principals are trying to keep out racism instead of African-Americans.

School offices were closed Wednesday. Superintendent Ronnie Back did not immediately respond to a call to his home seeking comment. The Sons of Confederate Veterans has promised to help pay some of her legal expenses.
School offices were closed Wednesday – they must be on the progressive Tu-Th schedule – saves on heating costs. Thankfully the Sons of Confederate Veterans have ridden to her aid (literally, they were on horses) – I reckon they’ll have a special Civil War Battle Reenactment and use the admission receipts to fund this case that is surely headed to the US Supreme Court – or maybe, they’ll just buy some moonshine. THANK GOD FOR FEDERALISM.

40 Greatest SNL Sketches of All Time

2004-12-30T16:48:00.000-08:00

In honor of absolutely nothing, here are the 40 skits I have enjoyed the most. Everyone of these makes me laugh just thinking about them. Below are the titles, a brief description, a link to the transcript (where available) and the memorable line....Please make comments to show me where I have erred.

1. VH1 Behind the Music: Blue Oyster Cult

*Chris Walken's turn as music producer Bruce Dickinson is the driving force behind this skit, but the efforts of Will Ferrell as the tightly clothed cowbell player is what people remember most. More Cowbell!

Memorable Line: "I got a fever! And the only prescription.....is more...cowbell!"

2. Word Association Job Interview

*For some reason, SNL took more chances in the 70's then they do today. This skit featured Chevy Chase interviewing Richard Pryor using word association. Somehow, what began as Tree/Dog quickly turned to Spearchucker/Honkey. Never has TV dealt with offensive names in such a manner that left everyone laughing, and no one offended. This skit gave power to both sides of the argument, and poked legitimate fun at the idea of racism. A transcendent skit.

Memorable Line: "N***er." "Dead honkey...."

3. James Brown Celebrity Hot Tub Party

*The key to a good SNL skit over the years has been putting familair faces in ridiculous themes. Eddie Murphy wailing as the Godfather of Soul "about to get wet, about to get warm!" in the hot tub is brilliant in its simplicity. Murphy's impression is the selling point.

Memorable Line: None.

4. Jesse Jackson Reads Green Eggs and Ham

*Never have prose and presentation met in such a classic manner. Jesse, in his forceful, poetic style, slamming his fist on the table and exclaiming, "I do not! like......green eggs, and HAM!" goes down as one of the great comedic moments.

Memorable Line: Concept piece.

5. Mr. Short-Term Memory: The Game Show

*Many forget what a brilliant comedic actor Tom Hanks is, but this skit proves it. While written well, I cant imagine anyone else int he title role. When Hanks asks for the autograph, and Randall gives it too him, our hero immediately looks at the paper and exclaims, "Oh, what are you just giving these away?", his mock disdain is priceless.

Memorable Line: "Hey! Tony Randall!"

6. Space: The Infinite Frontier

*Ferrell is so convincing as the former Cubs announcer, Jeff Goldblum looks legitimately spooked as he looks on. With such questions as "Would you rather bet the top scientist in your field, or get Mad Cow disease?" and revelations that the Sun is his favorite planet, the faux Harry vaults to the top of the impersonation list.

Memorable Line: "Would you eat the moon if it were made of spare ribs?"

7. Matt Foley: Motivational Speaker

*Another character that would be useless in the hands of another performer. The first one stands out the best, as David Spade and Christina Applegate hide their faces to shield uncontrollable laughter. "A writer eh? From what I hear, you arent using your paper for writin', but for rollin' doobies!"

Memorable Line: "I live in a van....down by the river!"

8. The McLaughlin Group

*You didn't even have to know the show to find this funny. I actually didnt see the real McLaughlin until after I had seen this skit, and that just made it even funnier. Carvey's parody of the political roundtable host may be over exagerrated, but that is what makes it funny. "Issue number 4! Wrong!"

Memorable Line: "Wrong!"

9. Happy Fun Ball

*There have been many funny commercials, but they pale in comparison to this advertisement for a children's toy that has more than a few warnings.

Memorable Line: "Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball."

10. Steve Martin's Christmas Wish List

*What begins as a noble gesture quickly turns to self serving list reserved for a genie and his three wishes. The bit reaches a crescendo when he forgets number 5, and adds it in later, "I forgot revenge on all my enemies! They should burn in hell like the pigs they are!"

Memorable Line: None.

11. White Like Eddie

*Based on a book by a white man who dressed in black makeup to see how different the world would be (Black Like Me), Eddie Murphy puts on white makeup, and goes ona series of adventures. He is given free newspapers, parties on the bus with other white people, and finally receives an all cash loan just for being white. The staid, documentary style is what makes it so funny.

Memorable Line: None.

11(a). Celebrity Jeopardy

*I made an error. I wrote this sketch down, and then didnt have it in the final list. But the episode featuring Jimmy Fallon as French Stewart (you wagered, Texas witha dollar sign. Simply stunning...), Sean Connery (Trebek, with your dago mustache and yer greasy hair!) and the greatest of all time, Norm MacDonald as Turd Ferguson aka Burt Reynolds. (oversized hat, it's funny....) Absolutely hilarious to the point of crying and falling out of one's chair.

Memorable Line: Why don't ya give me apetit for 200.

12. Five Timers Club

*Probably not on a lot of lists, this was the monologue for Tom Hanks' 5th time hosting. He is quickly taken back into the Five Timers Club with other five time hosts. Steve Martin steals the bit, as does the brilliant five timers' secret hand shake.

Memorable Line: "1-2-3-4-5....you're great." "You're great."

13. Belushi on Weekend Update

*Many have seen it, and few remember what he was talking about. Truth is, it doesnt matter. To see Belushi start off with an homage to St Patricks Day, and quickly degenerate to screaming about his drug smuggling friend, only to become so enraged that he flies across the weeken update desk, is absolutely hysterical.

Memorable Line: None.

14. Hot Tub Life Guard

*Jim Carrey has demonstrated what a great sketch comic he is, and when he brings it to the writing on SNL, it culminates in this sketch about an overbearing life guard watching over a hotel jacuzzi. When the barrier is placed in the water so that Tim Meadows can swim laps on one side of the jacuzzi, we reach comedy gold.

Memorable Line: None.

15. Master Thespian

*More of a personal favorite. I find Jon Lovitz to be brilliant with the nuances to his acting. This skit isnt funny based on premise, but rather on the performance. It involves he and John Lithgow bantering back and forth, and when one of them is legitimately taken aback by the actions of the other, they quickly exclaim, "I was acting!" A must see.

Memorable Line: "Acting!" "Genius!" "Thank youuuuuuuuu!"

16. Census Taker

*Brilliant writing, and the off-kilter cadence of Chris Walken make this a very slept-on sketch. From the opening lines, where the census taker asks how many people are living in the apartment, Walken exclaims, I dont know, 80? When not counting plants and candy bars, they both realize 2 is a better guess. "Boy, I really over shot it on that 80, huh?"

Memorable Line: Census-Taker: Alright, let me go over this again, then. You are a convicted criminal, living alone in an apartment with a bobcat. And you work 56 hours a week as a street performer. Mr. Leonard: When you say it like that, my life sounds pretty damn good!

17. The Sinatra Group

*Phil Hartman is simply brilliant as the Chairman of the Board as he breaks down issues with Billy Idol, Sinead OConnor and Luther Campbell. "What's the deal, cue ball? I look at you, and I think, 8 ball, corner pocket!"

Memorable Line: "I got chunks 'a guys like you in my stool!"

18. Syncronized Swimmers

*Widely regarded as the best SNL skit. Martin Short and Harry Shearer are chronicled in their quest to become the first male syncronized swimming team. Due to his dearth of talent, Short performs the routine donning a life vest.

Memorable Line: "'Cause I'm not.. I'm not that strong a swimmer."

19. Quentin Tarentinos Welcome Back Kotter

*Another memorable case of when two ideas are meshed into one hysterical premise. When Travolta as Vinny Barbarino dances around the principal, Mr. Woodman, ala Reservoir Dogs, followed by a life saving entrance by Lenny and Squiggy....the ridiculous becomes hilarious.

Memorable Line: Mr. Kotter: "Listen.. you can't tie up your principal!" Epstein: "It's okay, there, Mr. Kotter! [ dances to the front of the classroom ] I got a note!"

20. Sincere Guy Stu

*We never say what we are really thinking. That's the premise of this sketch, except Joe Montana appears as the roommate Stu who says exactly what he is thinking. Read below for the line that made this sketch famous...

Memorable Line: "Oh, you won't disturb me. I'll be in my room masturbating."

21. The Devil Can't Write a Love Song

*Not many people had seen this until the Best of Will Ferrell DVD was released. Now, I rate it one of the best ever. The premise of a wanna-be country music star selling his soul to the devil for a hit song, only to find out the devil is a horrible musician, explores a new direction for this situation. Ferrell's songs are so awful, yet so perfect, up until he is forced to start ripping off bands the likes of Smashmouth.

Memorable Line: "I said...the guitar.....was out of tune!"

22. The Joe Pesci Show

*Jim Breuer as Pesci. Alec Baldwin as DeNiro. A talk show where eventually, the guests upset the host, only to meet the wrong end of a baseball bat. In the final rendition of this skit, the real Pesci and DeNiro show up to levee their own justice. When DeNiro says "lil bit", the skit moves to another level.

Memorable Line: "You disrespected him....'lil bit. 'Lil bit."

23. All Things Scottish

*Mike Myers as a Scotsman. Need I say more?

Memorable Line: "If it's not Scottish.....it's CRAP!"

24. The Chris Farley Show with guest Paul McCartney

*All Chris Farley Shows are hilarious, simply because he uses the same interviewing technique as a 7th grader. "Um, remember when?" This version is the best of the lot, just for the final question he asks Paul.

Memorable Line: "Uh...member....member when you said, 'The love you take is equal to the love you make?' Um...is that true?"

25. Baby Names

*The build up takes some time, but is well worth it in the end. As a couple picks out baby names, the husband is quick to put down all choices, worried that his child will be teased because of his name. We only find out why he is so neurotic about names when a telegram arrives for Mr and Mrs. Asswipe.

Memorable Line: "It's pronounced 'Oss-wee-pay!'"

26. Closed Captioned For the Hearing Impaired

*It only takes about 10 seconds of this skit to create uprorious laughter. A public service announcement is preceeded by the voice over telling us that this presentation has been closed captioned for the hearing impaired. In a small bubble in the upper right hand corner sits Garrett Morris, ready to relate the message to those hard of hearing. As the speaker begins, Morris follows up each line, not by signing it, but by screaming it at the top of his lungs. Brilliant.

Memorable Line: None.

27. Skittles Ad with Christopher Walken

*If not for the success of this bit, few people would know that Jay Mohr was ever on SNL. In one of his few appearances, Mohr hawks Skittles as Chris Walken. Must be heard to be loved.

Memorable Line: None.

28. Inside the Actors Studio: Charles Nelson Reilly

*Will Ferrell, again at his best. Completely over exagerrating the mannerisms of James Lipton, he takes a simple premise, and makes comedy gold. The obscurity of the guest only adds to the comedy. This skit would be funny no matter who he was interviewing. "Cannonball Run II. Simply.......GLORIOUS!"

Memorable Line: "There is no word to describe its perfection, so I am forced to make one up. And I'm going to do so right now. Scrumtrilescent. "

29. Seinfeld in Oz

*In the final episode of Seinfeld, the four friends go to jail. This skit puts Jerry in Oz (from HBO) after a series of mix-ups. Seeing the Seinfeld persona amongst rapists and murderers is priceless. "I just got stabbed with an AIDS infected needle." "Well, good luck with allllllllllll that!"

Memorable Line: "Oh, you gotta have the make-up sodomy!"

30. Jackie Rogers Jr.'s $100,000 Jackpot Wad

*Martin Short is the excentric Jackie Rogers, and Billy Crystal is brilliant as Sammy Davis Jr. In a parody of password, the interchange between Sammy and contestand Rajeev Vindaloo is hilarious.

Memorable Line: Sammy Davis, Jr.: "Uh.. this is, uh.." Rajeev Vindaloo: "Chocolate Babies?" Sammy Davis, Jr.: "Right."

31. Homeland Security Briefing

*Robert DeNiro is Tom Ridge, reporting information he has received from the new terrorist hotline. Lucky for us, the tips are from mostly college students. A must read.

Memorable Line: "Is there a way to identify Hous Bin Pharteen? "

32. Super Heroes House Party

*A bit long, but a great take on the demise of super heroes as hey become middle aged. Belushi, as the Incredible Hulk, emerging from the bathroom as the party recoils is the most classic scene.

Memorable Line: None.

33. Delicious Dish on NPR with guest Pete Schweddy

*Caterer Pete Schweddy comes on to discuss his new snack item, Pete's Schweddy Balls. The obvious play on words never stops being funny.

Memorable Line: Margeret Jo McCullen: "Wow. I can't wait to get my mouth around his Balls." Teri Rialto: "[ sniffing ] Ooh.. I like the way your Balls smell.." Pete Schweddy: "Do whatever you want to, ladies. My Balls are here for your pleasure."

34. Choppin Broccoli

*Dana Carvey parodies the ridiculousness of rock songs by demonstrating how most are written. Forced to perform a song he forgot to write, rocker Carvey tells the tale of a woman, who went down town, she bought some....broccoli.....

Memorable Line: Um, duh...

35. Fred Garvin - Male Prostitute

*Dan Akroyd is the man the ladies love. Bought as a gift for a traveling business woman, Fred Garvin will not take no for an answer. "According to this, Im to roger you roundly until 6 am."

Memorable Line: Im Fred Garvin......Male Prostitute

36. The Continental

*You are the guest, as the ultra-suave Continental, played by SNL legend Chris Walken makes sad attempt after sad attempt to woo you.

Memorable Line: "Would you like some more.......champagnya?"

37. Star Wars Screentest I and Screentest II

*A premise that had more life than they gave it. Jack Lemmon as Chewbacca. Burt Reynolds as Darth Vader (uh, yeah, uh, what kinda car does this guy drive?). Streisand as Leia, Richard Dreyfuss as C3P0. The premise of the skit was the revelation that the original choice to play Han Solo was actually Christopher Walken. (portrayed by Kevin Spacey in this skit)

Memorable Line: None.

38. Land Shark

*Jaws comes to New York, and preys on young women. Anything to get you to open the door, where you are soon devoured. "Plumber maam. Um, telegram."

Memorable Line: "Candygram."

39. The Coconut Bangers Ball

*Sultry crooner Robert Goulet dazzles us as he belts out the latest hip hop hits. Puffy, Biggie. Good performers, but do they have pipes like this guy? Goulet!

Memorable Line: "Nature.....Goulet!"

40. Lucifer on the People's Court

*I can only imagine the pitch meeting, where someone wondered aloud what would happen if someone sold their soul to the devil, only to later challenge the validity of the contract in court. With Lovitz as the devil, we find out.

Memorable Line: "MEPHISTOPHELES (THE DEVIL) DEFENDANT SUING FOR: Soul Plus Court Costs"

Merry Ex-Mas

2004-12-27T10:17:00.000-08:00

First Christmas without a wife in three years. Not fun. Though, it is much cheaper and there isn't the problem of deciding when to spend what time at what house. For that, I am at least a tad thankful. But being alone at the Holidays, not cool.
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Am I the only one bothered by the fact that people call a Van Dyke (beard around the mouth) a Goatee (just hair on the chin)? It's little stuff like that that kind of baffles me. Why are we calling things by their wrong name? Or does it matter. Can we just say that it has been renamed? I don't know. I think it just goes to show what a neurotic pain in the ass I am. The bottom line is the time has passed, so buy a razor 90's man. The earrings, the goatees (van dykes), even the tatts and the piercings....that shit is all done. Then again, what did we move to? Yellow bracelets? Maybe holding on to old trends isnt such a bad idea. I myself wear a pinky ring (family heirloom), and I think this should be the new trend. All in favor, say "fuggedaboudit".
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West Wing is an amazing show. Smart writing, great characters, fine acting. The show moves lightening fast, and it really takes a sharp mind to keep up with it. Damnit, that's a good show. If you havent been watching it, get on Netflix, and start renting the first season. It is as addicting as 24 was to me. Just smart, smart writing. Tonight Bravo runs about 5 in a row, including one that was made specifically after 9/11 that has nothing to do with the plot, but just addresses the issue of terrorism. Just a smart discussion that really could have been educational to alot of people who didnt know how to act after it all went down. Should have been required viewing in high schools and red states.
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Here is an interesting article. It appears some Brits decided it was ok to vacation in Indonesia mere days after a giant tsunami killed 120,000 people. I guess they are living according to the new edict set down by the Bush White House: "If you don't go out and get a tan, you let the tsunamis win!"
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How come Donald Duck wears a coat but no pants, but after he takes a shower, he wears a towel around his waist? And Porky Pig, he always wore a coat, but no pants too. This all seems much more distrubing then just no clothes at all, doesnt it? And what about Bugs Bunny? He rolled around naked, and was always dressing up in women's clothing and kissing Elmer Fudd on the mouth. Could he have been gay? Always had a carrot in his mouth, too. All very suspicious....
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You ever go to Vegas, and someone wants you to put 20 bucks on black for em at the roulette table? Or play a hand of Blackjack for em? Sure, Im happy to do it. Im so happy to do it, I can tell you the result before I even leave - you lost. Sorry.

Message to My Unborn

2004-12-21T16:48:00.000-08:00

Feeling very paternal for some reason. Read someon's list of the things they learned from their father, and I got to thinking, "What would I teach my son?" Here are 100 things I'd make sure he knew, our of at least a 1000 I'd plan on teaching.....

100 things my son should know:
1. Always adjust the line 3 points in the direction of the home team. If the home team is favored by 3, its a pick 'em.
2. In Boggle, once you find a word, double check for an "s" at the end of it to make another word.
3. In dominoes, never start scoring until someone gets 10. And never slam a 5 pointer.
4. Zone defense is for the Patriot League. Real men play man-to-man.
5. We all take a beating now and then.
6. We aren't all good at writing poetry. A girl will be just as touched if you copy something, so long as you pick a good one. "roses are red" is not poetry. When in doubt, Shakespeare's Sonnet #18 always works.
7. A girl will appreciate a well thought out mix CD. A bad mix CD will do more harm than good.
8. You will never work a day in your life if you love your job.
9. If you dont love your job, at least make a comfortable living. If you are doing neither - get a new job.
10. I will love you no matter what.
11. Good defense and a sound run game will always beat a flashy air attack. This rule applies to life and football.
12. You will get your heart broken. Expect it. But you will be better for it.
13. Cut your hair. No one likes a hippy.
14. I know you don't care about her outfit, but she does. Compliment it.
15. A man is best judged by the condition of the back of his shoes. If he cares enough about that, it means you can trust him for his word.
16. Don't lie.
17. You won't go blind. Everyone does it, so don't be ashamed. Just don't get caught - no one wants to see that.
18. Get a job. You will better appreciate everything you pay for yourself.
19. Always be on time (do as I say, not as I do)
20. Respect women. If all you wanna do is lie to get in her pants, it makes you less of a man, regardless of what your friends say. If they have that opinion, they shouldn't be your friends.
21. A good changeup is the best pitch you can learn, and it won't hurt your arm.
22. Always box out and always follow your shot.
23. Unless its played in England, soccer stinks.
24. Get an education, no matter what. If not for a better career, then to be a better person. No one likes a moron.
25. Don't buy an 80,000 dollar car before you buy a house.
26. Nothing in this world is more overpriced than hotel rooms and footwear.
27. Always open doors and always say thank you when opened for you.
28. Always keep your mouth shut, and never rat on your friends, until it becomes a matter of life and death.
29. Avoid jail. Its hell on earth.
30. There are no bad foods....just bad portions.
31. Shave with the grain, then go back over it in the opposite direction. Always soften your beard with hot water first.
32. Dont wax your chest. You arent a model or a porn star.
33. Dont shave your legs. You arent a swimmer.
34. When you are at the barber, have them trim your eyebrows. They will do it for no extra charge.
35. When with a woman, take care of her first. Trust me, you'll get yours. There is no rush.
36. Cut your nails, shower daily, use q-tips and lotion. You don't have to be a metrosexual, just be clean.
37. Good looking people get away with alot more, and are hired much more often. Its just a fact. Be prepared to deal with it either way.
38. Learn to cook. You'll impress her, and feed yourself.
39. Speak a different language. It doesnt even have to be useful, just wake up your mind.
40. There is room to be a jock and a nerd. Don't let people label you either way.
41. Never throw the first punch, unless someone spits on you. Then its ok. Always value respect. Fighting is sometimes a necessary option.
42. Respect your elders, to a point. It is ok to question their values. One should not be allowed to be ignorantly hateful, regardless of age.
43. We are all the same. Hating different races, sexes, ages, or sexualities makes you less of a person. I won't tolerate it in my house.
44. When someone invites you over for an event, never arrive empty handed.
45. Always call your friends' parents "Mr." and "Mrs." until they say its ok to do otherwise. Even then, keep doing it.
46. It's ok to laugh when people fall. That shit is funny.
47. Always root for your alma mater, no matter how bad they are.
48. Pick a local team to root for. Don't be a bandwagon fan, ever. If you missed the boat, so be it. Stick with your team no matter how bad they are. Jumping from team to team is a sign of bad character.
49. Dress warm. The guy at the Packers game with his shirt off may get TV time, but he also gets pneumonia.
50. The blue sport coat goes with everything. No wardrobe is compelte without one.
51. If you aren't in school, you should never go a week without a job. Take the most menial task available, if you have to. Just get paid for something. The world needs ditch-diggers too.
52. No body likes a bad drunk. If you cant hold your alcohol, either cut back, or stop altogether. Your friends will not invite you out after a while.
53. You don't bet on teams in baseball, you bet on the starting pitchers.
54. Always split aces. NEVER split tens.
55. Don't take "third base" at the blackjack table unless you know what you are doing. People get shot over stuff like that.
56. If you are losing, get up and change tables. There are no rules that say you have to stay there.
57. There is a big difference betwen getting revenge and a reckoning. Revenge is petty. A reckoning is fated....
58. Don't vote party lines. Have an opinion.
59. Take care of your eyes, your ears, and your teeth.......you'll miss them when they are gone.
60. Question authority.
61. If you have holes in your socks or underwear, get new ones. Have some class for crying out loud.
62. If you aren't in on the joke, dont pretend you are. And if you arent part of the conversation, don't ask what the people are talking about. If they wanted you to know, they would have told you.
63. Combovers, mullets and ponytails all look bad. No one digs that shit. No one.
64. When you open her car door, if she doesnt reach over and unlock your door, dump her.
65. Dont screw your best friend's girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, or sister. There are plenty of girls out there, and that's just not cool. Save yourself the drama.
66. Don't talk back to your mother. She doesn't ever deserve it, and it will break her heart. If you want to be a little jerk, yell at me.
67. Sometimes it's ok to just say "I don't know."
68. Don't do drugs. If you have to try something, I understand. Never try anything harder than weed. Never.
69. Don't idolize anyone. You are as good as the rest of the world. We are all just human beings with different talents.
70. The meaning of life is love.
71. I don't know what the perfect religion is....but Im pretty sure you can rule out Mormons.
72. Red with meat. White with fish. No exceptions.
73. Fight for what you believe in, regardless of the costs.
74. Always hit the cut off man.
75. You don't need a reason to buy flowers.
76. Open doors, pull out chairs, pay the check, walk her to her door, offer her your coat. Chivalry is not dead. If she insists you not do those things, she's not worth being with.
77. Don't join a frat. You don't need to pay fees to have friends. If you want to, hire an escort.
78. Dont drive a Jetta or Sciracco, or any other "chick car." Just don't do it. And don't drink Zima. Don't believe the metrosexual crap - girls still like masculine guys.
79. I don't care what you are in to. Just don't "express" yourself with 100 piercings, green hair and goth makeup. All of those kids are expressing themselves.....and the message is, Im an idiot with no self esteem.
80. If you are gonnag et a tattoo, make sure it means something, otherwise you will always hate it.
81. They aren't always looking for a solution to their problems. If you woman talks to you, just listen. That's all she needs sometimes.
82. Work at your relationship. If you don't make your lady happy......someone else will. I promise.
83. Get good insurance. Start a 401(k). Take an accounting class, regardless of your major. Basic financial planning is a skill very few people have, and EVERYONE needs. Always make sure you are a step ahead of everyone else.
84. Don't grow a mustache unless you are a porn star or from Chicago. Otherwise, it looks odd.
85. If you are bald or have gray hair...live with it. Adjust. But dont start coloring, getting plugs, or wearing a rug. You aren't fooling anyone.
86. If your friends don't like her, she probably isn't right for you. They know you better than you know yourself.
87. Nobody likes a hack. If you aren't funny, don't make jokes. You just kill an otherwise good time.
88. Guys in general already have a bad reputation. Don't add to it.
89. If you are gonna drink, get a ride. If you are gonna have sex, use protection. If you're gonna do both, you're in college. Have a good time.
90. Take away the money, the education, the skills, the material goods - in the end, you are only as good as your word. A man with no character is not a man. Live life that way, and avoid people who don't meet that criteria.
91. Separate your whites from your darks. And iron your shirts, if you have time. If not, at least throw them in the dryer before putting them on.
92. The best CD to get busy to is Jodeci's Forever My Lady.
93. If you ever have a little sister, protect her with your life. That is your job.
94. Crystal Hot Sauce makes everything taste better.
95. Size doesn't really matter, but it helps. Plan accordingly.
96. Learn table manners.
97. Write down your feelings. It doesn't have to be good.....just cathartic.
98. Brush your tongue.
99. Your socks should match your pants, not your shoes.
100. I brought you into this world, and I'll take you out.

Banality Television

2004-12-07T11:44:00.000-08:00

A favorite past time at the Chesterfield West is the viewing of our own personal lineup of Must See TV. Lately, I have been remiss in recuonting the adventures of our favorite people, so I will attempt to remedy the situation now. I can already foresee I follow-up post from our own SMP in the near future.

The Apprentice - I missed it on Thursday. (recap soon)

The Biggest Loser - I really don't know what to say about this show anymore. It's fallen into a groove, and every week seems to be just like the previous week. The biggest problem I have with this show is the insane trainer for the red team. She seems to have a good face, and a great body, but damnit, no matter how hard I try, I just can't find her hot. I have considered many reasons, but the primary one seems to be that she is insane. The amazing thing is how good some of the people look. I mean, they have really changed over night. But there remain problems. First, the insistance on using food as the central theme on a show that is supposed to be about losing weight. They don't hang out in the living room, they hang out in the kitchen of all places. These are people who probably open the fridge and watch it for half an hour like a sitcom. ("I think the cheese and the pie are having an affair. Man, the bologna is going to be pissed! Can't wait for tomorrow's episode....") So they squeeze them into a breakfast nook and leave food out on the counter. Genius. Not to mention, every catch phase is like "Trim the fat." These people feel bad enough. Hell, most of them cry at least 3 times an episode. There has got to be a connection between fatness and this emotional instability. How about getting the trainers out of there, and bringing in some therapists? Seriously. The glaring problem has been that big Mo is losing about 2% of his weight each week, all while bitching and moaning about every little thing. Mo, we are going on a run. "No, Im not going. I cant go!" Mo, time to work out. "I cant! I cant!" Mo, please leave the couch and go to the bathroom if you have to take a dump. "Oh jeez, its way across the room!" He seems like the kind of guy who would research the TV Guide for the entire day, then pick the channel with the most good shows, knowing full well he had no intention of getting up and changing the channel. The best part was when Mo refused to go on a run, and expressed it by avoiding the trainer, saying, I cant go, then looking away until he left the room. Bob, the trainer, in turn chased him down, and tried to reach a compromise. The lesson learned, according to Mo? Communication!! Right, cause nothing screams communication more than aloofness and refusal to discuss something.

My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss - This show has reached new levels. It is so Fox to trot out these absolute losers, and label them "the cream of the crop." Calling these bottom feeders "junior executives" does such a disservice to the business community, it borders on slander. This week, they sold such great products as re-usable toilet paper and a spray that takes the carbs out of food. Clearly bogus products. First method of sale? Strip. The hottest chick basically was down to a bra and shorts by the end of the day, and was selling absolute worthless crap by doing jumping jacks for dirty old men. It set back women's lib at least 50 years. If this show has a second season, Im not sure women will be allowed to vote in 2008. The real issue was the other method they used to sell these products: lying. I could have sworn I read somewhere during my time in law school about FRAUD. That is basically what this is. A bunch of stooges, committing fraud on national television. Telling people that a spray will remove the carbs from food (it doesnt), that tampons made from twigs and leaves will raise the female libido (they won't) and that pure oxygen in a can will improve your health (strike three), are all lies used to sell merchandise, and are CLEARLY against the law of contracts. How are these people not in jail? And Fox, for putting them up to it, basically using fraud to convince people to commit fraud. Its a vicious cycle! I'd like to feel sorry for these people, but I cant. The one thing about the show is how obviously fake everything is. The fact that no one is catching on is a travesty.

Drawn Together and South Park - Watch the latest episodes if you haven't already. They have so clearly abandoned the realm of good taste, and I couldnt be happier. Let's just say that the site of a cartoon Paris Hilton coughing up what appears to be ranch dressing delights me to my toes.

60 Minutes - We TiVoed it so we could see the Bob Dylan interview (absolutely atrocious, and would have been even if they had used subtitles. Ed Bradley fawned over him like a lovesick schoolgirl while Dylan clearly had no idea what country he was in), the best expose was on the treatment of ADD in adults. Clearly, the greatest scam on earth right now. Drug companies, offering questionnaires with quesitons like, "Do you feel restless?". "Do you have trouble making decisions?", "Are you impulsive?" First and foremost, we are all at least one of the things ont he exam. It basically is designed to get a positive result for about 90% of the world, at which point you are a candidate for some mood altering drug. What a racket! This is like fortune tellers in suits, "You have a relative with an E in their name..." "How did you know!" The only thing missing is a crystal ball on the doctor's desk and him channeling Hippocrates. I am so disgusted with the state of America after hearing about this. To make money off of medicine is about the lowest thing you can do. My god, the purpose of medicine is to heal people, and these people are basically inventing new diseases to make sure they squeeze every last dime out. The kids are all on ritalin, so now lets get the parents on it too. Seriously, why would you not want ADD? I bet every successful, brilliant person could be diagnosed with ADD. ADD is basically saying that your mind is so alive, so energetic, that you cant focus sometimes. Too many thoughts, too many great ideas just pop in and out. Everything you see inspires you. Yeah, that sucks. Quick, get me some medicine so I can be boring and normal. The pills should be red to match the party you will soon be voting for. How would America look today if the great minds of our day had been diagnosed with ADD? I promise there is a slew of kids on ritalin right now that were destined to become great, and if they dont get off the crap, they will never realize their potential. What a disaster....

Hard Hitting Analysis

2004-12-07T11:32:00.000-08:00

Reprinted with permission from myself:

Nothing ruins a weekend quicker than being the late guy to the bar. It sucks so bad to wait in line, get to the bar, and your friends are all wobbly, drunk out of their skulls. It's like, I cant possibly catch up. And if you stay, then you are the sober guy. And when you are the sober guy in a room full of drunk people, you want to open fire with an automatic weapon. When you are drinking, then everyother person is awesome, no matter if they are sober or drunk. But when you are sober, no one is more annoying than a drunk person. That's why no one wants to go out without a friend. At least one other person needs to be on the same drinking schedule for it to be a good time. You need to hit your 5 Stages of Intoxication at the same pace. Lets review:

Stage 1: The Starting Line - you crack that first drink. Its ice cold, the sun might still be up, but starting to move down. Every drink is a cheers to life, friends, whatever. The only topic of conversation is the future drinking to be done. Certain levels of intoxication are promised, and pacts are made. We will be trashed! you exclaim, it's gonna be great. Well, no, no it isnt, but we keep telling ourselves that as the opening night case dwindles.

Stage 2: Lubricated - the alcohol is starting to work. You arent buzzed yet, but you can "feel it." You know this because you turn to your buddy and say, "I'm not buzzed, but Im feeling it." At this point, everything is becoming fun. Smiles around, jokes, laughing. It is the start of the apex of the evening. At this point, it's time to go out. Your inhibitions are evaporating, but you are still lucid enough to have an intelligent conversation, and to convince a striking blonde with her cleavage popping out of her turtleneck that you are, in fact, an international spy or a producer. Time to go!

Stage 3: Buzzed - you are getting drunk. You are now at the absolute zenith of fun in the night. It's late, but still relatively early in regards to how much longer you will be out. You begin looking at your watch every 15 minutes and exclaiming in utter disbelief, "It's only _____ o'clock!" You have reached a point in the night where everything is perfect. The balance between the crowd, the taste of the drinks, your drunkedness, the amount of friends with you, it has all come to a head. It is the drinking nirvana. And, best of all, if you are single, it is the point where there are still available women in the bar. The odor of desperation has yet to creep into your nose.

Stage 4: Drunk - ok, now you are too fun. You are walking slightly side to side. You are using the restroom very frequently, and the lines are getting longer. The drinks are no longer tasting as good, and you have lost track of your tab. You are starting to buy 10 shots of Johnny Walker Black Label, screaming incredulously, "Put it on my tab!" The repurcussions will be felt for weeks. Whatever cash you once had has evaporated. The women are all taken. You are searching frantically to get someone to dance with you, but it's hopeless. Having missed the window, there is but one thing to do: drink more. Its late now, but you have an hour or two to enjoy. Half of your friends have left. Unidentified liquids appear in the form of softball sized stains on your sleeves and pant legs. Your speech is getting fuzzy, and you are saying things you wouldnt normally say. At this point, you will do one of two things for the next hour: (a) dance with a mediocre looking girl to music you absolutely hate, like trance or house, desparately trying to convince her that she should come over, or (b) sit down, order the strongest drink you can think of (invariably, Long Island Ice Tea) and get into a heated debate with your remaining, equally drunk friend, about who your team should sign in free agency.

Stage 5: The Curb - at this point, you will either end up standing on the curb, or lying on it. You have signed your tab, which has a number on it you were unable to decipher and will be shocked to read tomorrow. It is possible you just forgot the tab, and will have to return the next day to get your card. Bouncers are screaming to go home as you shuffle out like cattle. Someone behind you is giving the, "I paid for this drink, Im not leaving til its done." routine, or the "You close at 2! I can stay till 2!" argument. This argument is soon replaced by the "You dont own the sidewalk." argument out in front of the establishment. You now must find your friends. If you can, you will be either riding home with them, riding home with people they met, or getting left behind to find your own way home. Luckily, the Curb stage has you at a point where you are granted superhuman powers. One power is the ability to get a cab ride home, no matter how drunk you are. Somehow, you will wake up in your bed tomorrow, with no idea how. Or, you will use your power of walking and navigation. People at this level of intoxication develop the ability to trek extremely long distances without getting lost. Amazingly, it works in any city, whether you have been there or not.

At this point, you enter the 6th stage, which is a wild card. You either go to Your Place or Mine Stage, Put in a DVD and Fall Asleep Stage, or the most popular, Taco Joint Stage. Be warned that choosing Taco Joint Stage leaves open the possibility of Fight Club Stage which leads to Why Does My Hand Hurt so Much in the Morning Stage.

Do they care?

2004-12-07T10:56:00.000-08:00

It's the holiday season, and I will begin this post by wishing you all a Merry Christmas, or a Merry Jew Christmas...I mean, Chanukah, Happy Kwanzaa, and a delightful Festivus for the rest of us. In the yuletide spirit, I have chosen to breakdown what could be called the greatest holiday song of all time, "Do They Know Its Christmas?" from Band Aid in the mid 80's Band Aid of course being a collection of musicians who sang together to sell records that would help feed starving kids in Africa. Just We Are the World part II really. SMP swears its a tongue and cheek song, but I think it's meant to be dead serious. You be the judge:

It's Christmastime
There's no need to be afraid
Of course not, you rich pricks. You never have to be afraid ever. Its the rest of us who are going to get mugged for out cabbage patch dolls outside the Toys R Us. Who the hell is afraid in the back of a limo?

At Christmastime, we let in light and we banish shade
Who is we? Aren't the holidays like the number one most depressing time of year? Doesn't the suicide rate go up like 1000%? People hate Christmas. It is synonymous with lonliness and debt. That's as shady as it gets...

And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy
Thanks. You have a world of plenty, and you're gonna give us a smile. That's mighty considerate of you, you drugged out has beens.

Throw your arms around the world at Christmastime
Physically impossible. Stupid poetic rhetoric. Besides, the rest of the world isn't very stoked about a big American hug. Throw your arms around the world, and watch it cringe like Paris Hilton at a soup kitchen.

But say a prayer
Pray for the other ones
There aren't any christians in Africa (just Mormon missionaries), so the last thing they want are our prayers. Send a loaf of bread, not some meaningless thought.

At Christmastime it's hard, but when you're having fun
Its hard all the time to think about other people, being the self-centered ego maniacs that we are. Especially hard when Im having fun! Nothing fun about praying for hungry people.

There's a world outside your window
Cause god knows you aren't going outside. I thought you said earlier there was no need to be afraid? So why am I locked up inside?

And it's a world of dread and fear
Damnit, now Im afraid! Make up your minds.

Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears
There are no tears in Africa. Its too damn hot and there is no water, so everyone is dehydrated. Trying to be all sensitive, and you basically throw a big middle finger at them.

And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom
There are no christmas bells ringing in Africa, they dont know its christmas, remember? And the clanging chimes of doom? Nothing says immediate death like The First Noel, I guess. Maybe they should spend their money on food if they have cash to buy christmas bells.

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you
The key line in the whole song. SMP swears its a shot at people who don't help, yet I think they are dead serious. This is the greatest "f you" in the history of music. I mean, thank God? Can you imagine the look on God's face? "God, thanks for making those people hungry and sick, and not me." God would punch you in the brain. This line by itself makes christmas a joyous time. Dear America, I know you only have two cars, a full stomach of food, a giant house, clothes on your back and a big screen tv.....but things could be worse! You could be them! So thank God!

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime
Is there ever snow? I live in CA, we dont have snow, but we have christmas. Im tired of this snow = christmas formula. More east coast bias if you ask me.....

The greatest gift they'll get this year is life(Oooh)
To be honest, that is a great gift for all of us. "Timmy, Im sorry you got cancer, but here is a Tickle Me Elmo!" "Oh, this the greatest gift!"

Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow
At all? Not a single rain or river? I could have sworn the Nile was in Africa. That's a pretty big river, right?

Do they know it's Christmastime at all?
Do they give a flying fuk?

(Here's to you) raise a glass for everyone
We are toasting them??? This is it? This is what we came up with? We pray to God that we never end up that way, then we raise a glass to a group of people we have no interest in visiting. You wanna help? Join Green Peace, send money, send food, go there and build a hospital. If all you are gonna do is buy this crappy album and then toast hungry people, just admit to being a prick and dont waste your time.

(Here's to them) underneath that burning sun
Paints a pretty bleak picture, doesnt it? Just the thought of a bunch of middle aged suburbanites, sitting around a campfire, swollen from Christmas dinner, listening to this single thinking about millions of starving people baking under the sun, and thinking, "Well, at least I toasted them. That should help...."

Do they know it's Christmastime at all?
Still dont care. "Do you know you're a fucking asshole at all?"

Feed the world
Feed the world
Feed the world
Pretentious bastards who think they can solve the world's problems. Why not just admit that we are helpless. Its just life, and we try, but we dont think a song will cure the planet. Why do we think a concert will solve our problems? Hey, I know, lets get a group of eclectic singers together, write a horrible song in about 10 minutes, sell it to the greedy consumers in America, and then use the proceeds to solve all of the world's problems? Yeah, great plan....

Let them know it's Christmastime again
Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmastime again
They have NEVER had a christmas, so it will never be christmas time "again". Get over yourselves....

Eva My Muse, the Exciting Conclusion

2004-11-19T14:15:00.000-08:00

Geez -- I take back everything bad I said about Revlon. Here is their response to my rant about the Eva Mendes e-commercial:

We have received your comments from the Revlon website and wish to thank you for taking the time to contact us regarding General Company. Thank you for bringing your observations about our product to our attention. We assure you that your comments have been noted and forwarded to the appropriate personnel. Thank you for your interest in Revlon products. We hope to continue serving your cosmetic needs.

Sincerely, Rachel Evans
Sr. Consumer Services Representative
Revlon Consumer Information

Revlon really cares about my observations! They forwarded my little old comments to appropriate personnel! They appreciate my interest in their products!! Everyone go buy some lipstick from this amazing corporation immediately!

Just kidding, F em. Why even respond if the response is so devoid of information. I complained about "General Company?" Seriously, at least fake it in a gramatically-correct fashion. It's insulting.

The Times, They are a-Changin'

2004-11-19T12:15:00.000-08:00

DISCLAIMER -- Sean is feeling very emotional and sappy today, given that bar results are coming out in 5 hours forty-five minutes. READ ON ONLY IF YOU ARE OK WITH EXCESSIVE SAPPINESS. You have been warned.

Tonight, at 6:01 p.m. PST, many of us will officially leave our "formative years" behind and begin our "futures." With this progression will come some of the greatest moments of our lives, including career achievements, marriage, children, and grandchildren.

Throughout law school there have been many milestone events that we have endured and celebrated together -- the first day of classes, the last day of our first finals, graduation, finishing the bar exam, and countless other emotional challenges we have helped each other overcome. These events have changed the person I am much for the better, and I would assume that they have changed others of you as well.

Tonight, while I will certainly feel joy and excitement about the future, I will also feel a bit of sadness for the passing of an amazing part of our lives. Tonight will likely be the final time we all celebrate the same event occuring simultaneously in all of our lives, as we have so many times before.

So, while tonight we celebrate with our eyes focused squarely on our futures, let's also not forget to happily take a look back at how far we've all come. Good luck and see you at the West End.

Thank Heavens.....

2004-11-17T10:03:00.001-08:00

I was perusing a radio station today looking for a show I get off of a separate internet feed. Turns out this is a very alternative radio station, with all the goofy stuff you would expect, all of the Frederick Funkenstein's Jazz Trip kind of shows littering its menu of choices. The show that struck my fancy was Amazon Radio. This show says that it caters to the "black lesbian feminist" as the host and her two life partners discuss pertinent issues. Is there a more narrow demographic on the face of the earth? I can imagine listening to a show about black issues, or lesbian issues, or feminist issues - but all three? The problem with this show is that it is broadcast out in New England, which means that the entire demographic for the show, all of the people who would be interested in it, are already hosting! Great show. The only people who would even consider listening to it, are the people that are running it. Unless they tape it, then go home and listen to it later, Im guessing the listenership is in the 0's. I wonder what else this new age media mogul is blasting to the masses:

The Morning Mommy Update: An entire show devoted to talking about the benefits of the mid-wife. If you are so archaic you are giving birth in your craftmatic sleeper, Im not sure you even have a radio.

Short Story Time: Short stories are read to you. Unless you are blind, this is just plain lazy. Read a book.

The White Rose Political Calendar: A report on key events in your area, including important protests that you may want to join. Dude, if you are just looking for protests, you are a sad, demented person. If it means something to you, you will find out at the meetings or in the newsletter. Can you imagine some guy, listening, and writing down protests like he is filling out his class schedule? Hmm, anti-fur demonstration on Tuesday....sounds good. I can make that. Anti-abortion on Wed? I'll have to change my dentist appointment, but Ill pencil that in. What was that? Save the ferrets? Damnit, Friday morning! I have my walk against polio and then my bake sale for victims of priest abuse. So many decisions!

The Bob Ottey Show: This is a straight forward show featuring George Clinton-type funk. However, the guy is labeled "The Funkmeister." Its not exactly what I said, but damn, that was just too easy....

Radio LaKaye: All Haitian music. This show must be 9 minutes long.

Soundchecks: Its host, Walter Waggoner, brags of being a roadie for Puerto Rican folk "rocker" H. Punto. Ok, first, can a folk singer rock? Second, we now have a finalist for the annual "Most Obscure Person" award. This is like people who brag they saw a celebrity in public. Wow! Really? You actually saw them? Or worse, wayyyyyy worse. Has anyone ever bragged to you that a celebrity was at the same bar or place as them? "Yeah, I was at the Free Tibet concert. I hear John Tesh was there too!" Wow, you are practically a celebrity, man!

Literary Discord: A show about book publishing. Im not making this up. Better yet, it runs for half an hour. Between the introduction and the closing and the commercials, Im guessing the show is like 4 minutes long. This post is already longer than that guys' show. Odds that he is a barista at Starbucks when he isn't working on radio: 100%

The Quest: Calls itself the weekly search for truth, beauty and intensity. It runs from 2 to 6 am. There is no beauty at that hour. At that hour, Im on the search for ass, burritos, and South Park reruns.

Ray Terlaga Show: Every other week he provides the AIDS update. This week's update: "AIDS. Still bad."

*****

Also, I was in the shower this morning (calm down, ladies) and I ran out of conditioner. So, I borrowed a squirt of Pert from whoever was nice enough to leave their 7 gallon drum of a bottle in there for me. What a fantastic invention! Oh thank you Pert, thank you! No longer am I to be inundated with the torturous hell of lather-rinse-repeat, only to realize, I have to apply conditioner as well! Now, I am free to lather-rinse-repeat but one time, thanks to the ingenious people who created a shampoo that also conditions. How freaking lazy do I have to be to need these "dual" products? I once saw peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. I mean, come on. Who is so lazy they are saying, "I want a pb and j, but Im not gonna open two jars! I just don't have that kind of time." Why not just skip the bread, dump some croutons in there, and eat sandwiches with a spoon....

*****

Memo to Friend Guy: It dawned on me that if you are sharing a bed with chicks so drunk they are fertilizing your mattress, chances are that even if things did "escalate", it wasn't going to be a harlequin romance novel anyways. Im guessing you were slightly RIPPED too, which means you would have spent a good couple of late night hours trying to accomplish the equivalent of pushing a marshmallow into a coin slot....

Mandel’s Disdain for the Pac

2004-11-17T10:03:00.000-08:00

SI.com has again graced it’s web pages with Stewart Mandel’s weekly college football power rankings. He currently has Arizona State (8-2) at the bottom of the list, barely making it in at number 16. Mandel is clearly delusional. To prove it, let’s look at the other two-loss teams ranked above ASU in the poll in descending order of ridiculousness . . .

Most ridiculous – Iowa (Mandel ludicrously ranks at #10!?!?!)
The fact that Mandel sees Iowa as better than ASU is odd considering ASU destroyed them 44-7. FORTY-FOUR TO SEVEN. That should be enough to ensure that ASU be ranked above them, but there’s more evidence. ASU has beaten a total of two ranked team this year (Iowa, #17; UTEP, #24), while Iowa has managed to beat zero. Further, both of ASU’s two losses (USC, #1; Cal, #4) are also of higher quality than Iowa’s (Michigan, #5; ASU, #20).

2d most ridiculous – Boston College (Mandel ranks at 15?!?!?!)
Mandel must have gone to BC if he really believes this team is better than ASU. BC lost to Wake Forest (NR) and Pitt (NR). ASU lost to USC (1) and Cal (4). ASU has beaten two ranked teams (Iowa, #17; UTEP, #24), BC has only beaten one, the highly-overrated West Virginia (21). The fact that this team may be going to be in a BCS Bowl only goes to show that the Big East should be taken out of the system.

3d most ridiculous – Miami (Mandel ranks at 14)
Mandel reveals his love for all things south of the Mason-Dixon line with this one. Miami lost to TWO UNRANKED TEAMS. A team really has to try to lose to North Carolina, and Clemson is garbage. Miami does have three redeeming wins against Louisville (#8), Florida State (very overrated at #10), and Virginia (#19). Good wins, but come on – THEY LOST TO TWO UNRANKED, BAD TEAMS. ASU lost to SC and Cal, and still beat two ranked teams. ASU should be looking down the rankings at Miami like a blue state looks down on a red state.

4th most ridiculous – Tennessee (Mandel ranks at 12)
I love the SEC. I love the SEC. Say it to yourself enough, and you may become Mandel. Tennessee is a good football team, don’t get me wrong. But losing to Notre Dame, at home? Come on guys. If you lose to an unranked team, you should be punished for it. Tennessee does have a high-quality win against Georgia, but again, ASU has two wins over ranked teams.

Marginally ridiculous to non-ridiculous – Georgia (Mandel ranks at 13)
Granted, Mandel has a clear SEC bias. But to his credit, Georgia is good. Their two losses are quality (TN and Auburn) and they have a quality win against LSU (although LSU basically lost to Oregon State). I could sleep at night not hating Mandel if he put Georgia where Iowa is in the rankings – above ASU. I’m a reasonable man, Stew.

Here’s how the power rankings should go for two-loss teams:
10. Georgia
11. Boise State (no losses, but they play only junior high teams)
12. Arizona State
13. Tennessee
14. Iowa
15. Miami
16. Boston College (hanging on by their fingernails)

Is There Anything Worse Than Waiting?

2004-11-16T17:23:00.000-08:00

Waiting sucks. It makes you miserable. The uncertainty of the possible outcome of a wait makes it even less bearable. I mean sure, waiting for a train sucks, but at least you know the train is eventually coming. So, in the spirit of interminability, here are my thoughts on three of the shittiest waits around (in ascending order of shittiness).

Crap wait #1 – The pre-employment drug test
(the maybe-I-won’t-pass-but-not-so-bad- outcome wait)
In terms of shitty waits, this one’s pretty JV, but I’m starting out easy. You go in, you piss in the cup, and you worry. Usually, such worrying is needless – you know you didn’t smoke for the past three weeks . . . but do you really not? Did you get too much secondhand from a friend, from that concert, did you accidentally smoke that night you got super hammered, did your friend really put heroin in your drink at the bar, or was he kidding? All these ideas linger in your head for the week, til you finally get that call – Congratulations; the job you’ll grow to resent is yours!!! In fact, after you almost wish you wouldn’t have passed!???!

Shitty scale of 1-10 – 4

Crap wait #2 – The aids test
(the extremely-unlikely-I-won’t-pass-but mother-of-bad-outcomes-wait)
This is definitely one of the crappier of the waits. You know, with absolute certainty, that you DO NOT have AIDS. You aren’t Magic Johnson promiscuous. You’ve given up receiving anal in an alley from a guy named Bruno since your last AIDS test [but did you really? Yes, really]. So why are you so worried? Because if you DO fail this one, you are totally screwed [and only figuratively, my friend]. It’s the magnitude of the possible outcome that makes this wait so hard. Even 99.99999% certainty isn’t enough to put your mind at ease when it comes to this one.

Shitty scale of 1-10 – 7

Crap wait #3 – The Bar Exam results wait
(the king of all shitty waits – combines the worst elements of the maybe-I-won’t-pass-but-not-so-bad- outcome wait and the extremely-unlikely-I-won’t-pass-but mother-of-bad-outcomes-wait)
AHHH, the masochistic California Bar Examiners. In their infinite wisdom, they have ingeniously devised a system by which (1) the odds of passing are 50-50; (2) if you don’t pass you are absolutely screwed [again, only figuratively]; and (3) the wait is 4 MONTHS long. Let that sink in – 4 FUCKING MONTHS. This wait sucks so bad I have to break it down by month.

July – The waiting period in July is only a couple days. However, you think about whether you passed all the time because you just got done with the piece of crap and you swear to yourself that you’ll never take it again, pass or fail. You really want to have passed.

August – Fortunately, in August, you don’t really think about the test. Usually, you’re too drunk on the beach enjoying the unemployed life, or in Europe, or [fill in the blank with fun distracting shit].

September – You’ve been unemployed for over a month now, and it’s starting to not be cool anymore. Now, you think about the bar a lot because you realize that your parents, contrary to what you thought, do not love you more than anything and will actually cut you off at some point. Shitty realization. Random moments of bar panic ensue every so often.

October – The first half of October is pretty similar to September. Then October 19th comes and you realize that your life begins or ends in exactly one month. Panic ensues until Halloween, when you dress up like someone else and get hammered.

November – Let the subliminal countdown begin. 19, 18, 17 days to go. Each passing day allows less sleep and causes more anxiety. Finally, on the 15th, you realize that you are 5 days away. . . FIVE DAYS. After this whole 6-month odyssey, you are 5 days away from discovering whether those past 6 months have been sufficiently productive [or if the next 6 months will be if you are taking it again]. Is panic too great a word to describe the constant feeling this week? I don’t know, I’ve forgotten how to think!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shitty scale 1-10 – 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 (I tried to stop at ten but my subconscious would not let me – I had to beat the keyboard off of my hand – the zero key broke off and is still stuck on my index finger).

Anyway, you get the idea. This was a feeble attempt to get all my fellow lawyers-in-waiting to think about something else for a few minutes.

Good luck!!!!!! See you all Friday, Esquires!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How Did I Become "Friend Guy"

2004-11-14T13:51:00.000-08:00

In the last month, my bed has seen some objectively hot action. I've had numerous chicks in my bed -- as many as three in one night. How many have I hooked up with -- zero (0). Tragically, I've become "friend guy (FG)."

I always used to make fun of FG -- you know, the dude who always likes girls, but the girls always tell him they "don't want to mess up their friendship". I always thought that he brought it upon himself -- it was some inherent character flaw in the guy. Apparently, that's not true -- it's just bad luck. Here are some highlights of my newfound "frienddom".

Halloween Weekend
So I come home on Halloween with two chicks - NIICE. Unfortunately, they are two of my friends. I end up sleeping in my bed between two girls, one of whom has decided that she wants to cuddle with me like I'm her boyfriend (yea, she really told me that). I wake up at 4 in the morning sweating balls in flannel pants and a sweatshirt. I escaped from spooning and went to sleep on the couch -- Apparently a menage a trois isn't as fun as it sounds.

Birthday Weekend
One of my female friends is celebrating her birthday -- we go out, get ripped, etc. She sleeps over. Everything is fine until the morning, when it becomes clear that she has pissed all over the bed -- I mean, half the bed is covered with her piss -- imagine the most someone has ever pissed, and then imagine that on my bed. Good times.

Unfortunately, it appears that I am destined to continue these platonic sleepovers. However, on the plus side, I love all my girls very much. Getting my bed pissed on is a small price to pay for being able to play Jack Tripper to my great girl friends. I apologize for getting sappy -- all future posts from me will again be brimming with vitriol.

Eva, My Muse!!!

2004-11-14T13:32:00.000-08:00

So I'm minding my own business checking my email. I log out of Hotmail, and read a fine story about Florida police Tasering a 6-year-old (ah, the world under the governance of men named Bush). Then, to my extreme chagrin, an unsolicited Revlon ad pops up in which a cellphone rings extremely loudly and Eva Mendes starts talking to me like I'm calling her. Needless to say, in my extremely hungover state (went winetasting yesterday -- 12 hours of champagne drinking not good the day after) I wasn't happy to be speaking to Eva. Since we live in an open, democratic society in which I am free to express my views, I went to the Revlon website to express my opionions in their comment section . . .

Email attempt one to Revlon--

I just received an online call while on MSN.com from Eva, who appears to be some sort of "advertisement." There are several problems with said advert. First, the ring was horrible -- if I set my cellphone to "hell", it wouldn't sound any worse. Second, Eva had that fake sweet voice a girl uses when you are buying her a drink at a bar -- condescending, but you could never call her on it. Third, you sent this ad to me unsolicited -- the FCC is cracking down on indecency, but this was a violation much more serious than Howard Stern saying vagina. If I ever see or hear "Eva" again, there will be hell to pay. Thank you.

When I tried to submit the above comment, I was told that there was a "255-character" comment limit. In 255 characters, you can say pretty much nothing. Undeterred, I decided to send my comments in a series of three parts. I sent part one, then attempted to send part two. Unfortunately, the website somehow remembers your computer and you can't send more than one comment!!!! What has the world become -- they can invade my life with their crap ad, but I can't tell them what I think about it?

Email attempt 10 to Revlon --
Seriously, fuck you guys.

Revlon must be held accountable. I implore all of this Blog's female and cross-dressing readers to bring a swift halt to their use of Revlon products (although, as an aside, I hope everyone who reads this blog at least uses beauty products on the level of MAC). This aggression will not stand!

HWJV

2004-11-04T17:04:00.000-08:00

"How would Jesus vote?" Has anyone thought to ask the Christian Right that question? The, quote-unquote Moral Majority? [seriously, who names themselve the moral majority? if morals are a personal set of values, how can one group of people dare to assume they know what should be the right set of values for everyone? Im going to start a group called the Perfect Height Club] Anyways, it dawned on me that, a large chunk of people has decided to vote based on their moral values, which are predicated on their Christian beliefs. Let's analyze:

(1) The two key issues are their disdain for homosexuality and abortion. Ok, first of all, how can you hate both? Who has fewer abortions than gay people? They never have them! This seems like a perfect match to me.

(2) Their moral beliefs upon which they have predicated their voting pattern are rooted in the various Christian faiths which are, by definition, based on the teachings of JESUS. Read that again....based on the teachings of JESUS. You see, Christians follow the New Testament principally, which is a recount of the life of Jesus. A Christian's main goal is to live their own life as close to the way Jesus lived his. What is in the Old Testament makes for good stories, but it really isn't the key to the Christian faith. Now, based on this, why in the world would someone who believed in Jesus, and wanted to emulate him, ever have such hatred in their hearts? When Jesus was here, he hung out with the absolute dregs of society. The criminals, the alcoholics, the lepers, the prostitutes......basically, the liberals. He hated rich people. He turned over money tables, and demanded people give up their earthly possessions and seek peace in life by doing good things for other people. For crying out loud, this guy is the most liberal person in history. If he were here today he'd be smoking weed and taking up food collections for the homeless shelter. Not only would he vote for Kerry, shit, he'd probably vote for Nader! Yet a huge block of Americans who call themselves Christians went out and voted for the direct opposite of who they put their faith in. Almost as if to say, I love ya Jesus, but yer a little soft fer me. It boggles my mind, it really does. You could literally right a scholarly article on it.....hmmmmm....

(2a) As a side note to the paragraph above, another interesting thing. All of the talk about how God looks down on gay people, and all the things about sanctity of life and all the moral crap the right wing grasps on to, is found mainly in the Old Testament. Well, you know who believes in the Old Testament? Jews. They don't even read the New Testament. I know, I know, they have the Torah. But they basically believe in the Old Testament and that Jesus was a prophet, and the messiah is yet to arrive. Well, if that is the case, they should be even more hardcore, right? Well......it seems the exit polls showed Jews voted 75-25 in favor of Kerry. How can that be? These people should be allies with the right wing fanatics, right? Right?!?

Im not sure any of that made sense, but I think I essentially outlined my thesis, which is that people who voted for Bush solely on the matter of agreeing with his moral beliefs are fucking morons. Look, dont get me wrong, if you voted for him because he did a good job, or because you think he isa good man, or whatever, I respect you. Those are legitimate reasons. You are still wrong, but you aren't the raving loon that these other people are.

Save us Jebus....

Death Cab Show

2004-11-04T15:00:00.000-08:00

Last night Nate and I went to the Death Cab For Cutie / Pretty Girls Make Graves show at SOMA. We like Death Cab -- also like Gibbard's side Postal Service project.

So, we show up at the show reasonably buzzed, wait in a long-ass line, pay our cash to get in, and then, as the entry door slams behind us, realize . . . we are in all-ages-no-bar-at-show-having-to-sober-up-while-listening-to-the-opening-"band"-surrounded-by-high-school-kids-looking-at-us-like-we're-strange-old-molestors-hell. Discouraged, but still resolved to enjoy ourselves, we buy two red-bullish drinks (but with creatine and what seemed like some sort of fruit pulp) and venture in to check out the opening "band."

The opening act was "Pretty Girls Make Graves." Let me try to explain the apparent concept behind this "band." Singer -- Kelly-Osborne looking girl, who sounds like a shitty Bjork and prominently uses a whistle in songs. It was like being at a TJ tequila bar in Iceland. "Keyboard" player -- Reasonably cute girl named Leona, she was the new addition to the band (as the lead singer told us). Her job was to repeatedly press the most annoying-sounding keys on her 2-ft long Fisher Price keyboard. I felt bad for her, with the equipment the band gave her, she had no chance. Bass player -- He was pretty good, but he kind of wobbled around erratically as if he were stuck on an imaginary "y" axis (Nate and Josh, like the guy at the Vegas Phish show). Guitarist -- Didn't really get a good look at this guy, given the other distractions on stage. Drummer -- He was actually pretty good -- I was sad that he was being dragged down by the anchors in the band. Anyway, you get a rough idea of what we were sobering up to.

There so many High School kids staring at me with that “what are you doing here old man” looks, I go outside and smoke with Nate – I don’t smoke – EVER – I succumbed to peer pressure and these people weren’t even my peers.

Understandably, Nate and I decided that we had to escape – but how, with the strict “no reentry” policy? First, we tried to negotiate in advance with the bouncer – no dice. Then we just left, hoping we could get back in later. Off to Stewart Anderson’s Black Angus for cocktails we went. After a couple beers / shots, we were sufficiently emboldened to make our reentry attempt. We had the brilliant idea of handing the bouncer $5 bills with our ripped tickets, and play it sly. I approached first, and the bouncer gave me back the $5 and didn’t notice the ripped ticket – in I went. Then Nate approached – suddenly the bouncer knew what was going on, and wouldn’t let Nate in. I ran into the crowd inside, ditching Nate like an ugly chick at prom. Somehow, though I wasn’t there to see it, Nate talked the guy into letting him in (I think it involved playing it dumb and use of his Seattle ID).

So, all’s well that ends well – we got back in and watched Death Cab (who were excellent -- a welcome change from that rubbish Bjork/whistle outfit), and we were buzzed enough to forget that we were old enough to be any other concertgoer's dad.

What would a conservative do? (WWCD)

2004-11-03T13:30:00.000-08:00

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? After the election, I was initially "shocked and awed" that so many people in this country have values so diametrically opposed to my own. I also noticed that most of these people live in states that I only fly over while going to visit other states. I feel that it's unfair of me to judge these differently-minded people without knowing anything about them that I haven't learned at 400 miles per hour at 35,000 feet.

So, I've decided to put myself in the shoes of these people, for one day. I've done some research, and today I'm going to partake of activities that I've heard these people regularly engage in.

Activity one -- Lunch -- WWCD?
I figured I'd start off slow, so I had fast food for lunch. I went to Jack In the Box, ordered from the 99c menu, and ate while I drove around aggressively. After I finished eating, I littered the remains of my feast out of my driver-side window.

Activity two -- Encounter with a homeless person -- WWCD?
After lunch, I had the good fortune of driving by a man on the side of the road with a "Homeless: Please Help" sign. Helpfully, I rolled down my window and told the lazy, dirty man to get a job and go to church. I'm sure he's already turned his life around, as I'm sure that some "harsh, buck-up style" direction from me and a visit with the Lord is the only thing he needed to get his life back in order.

Activity three -- Passing Planned Parenthood Office -- WWCD?
Later, I had the incredibly great luck of passing a Planned Parenthood office. I couldn't resist getting out of my car to tell a sobbing 18-year-old girl entering the clinic that she should turn around and have a child because that's what my God told me she should do. She politely refused, so I told her that she's going to hell, and that she's a whore. I also shared with her the bit of knowledge that abstinence is both pleasing to God and a very effective form of birth control.

Activity four -- Driving through Hillcrest
Still later, I had an inner conflict. Between where I was and where I was going laid Hillcrest (for non-San Diegans, it's the part of town colorfully decorated with rainbow flags). WWCD? Would they drive out of the way to avoid the "joy boys", or would they push right through down 5th Street. I reluctantly decided to pass through. While en route through the trendy boutiques, I saw several male couples holding hands walking down the street together. Disgusted, I just had to park and let them know how wrong they were. Hastily, while getting out of my car, I made a "God hates Fags" sign on the back of my windowshade. I marched around the street with my sign, also chanting its message for the benefit of any blind homosexuals that happened by. A gay couple approached me and expressed disagreement with my message. I told them how they were going the way of Sodom and Gomorrah, and God would most certainly judge them harshly (just look at the punishment of AIDS). I told them that they should repent while they still had time, for Jesus was coming soon. I also told them that thanks to my President, Congress, and fellow citizens, who are most certainly filled with the Spirit of Jesus, there will soon be a Constitutional Amendment ensuring that "fags" will never have rights equal to those who live in the favor of the Lord. I've no doubt that I helped them to see the light -- they stopped holding hands right in my presence.

Results
All in all, it was a great learning experience being a conservative for a day. I didn't know how it felt to be so completely self-righteous. It's so freeing to go through life knowing that you are eminently correct about everything and that you can learn absolutely nothing from anyone else.

Unfortunately, I think I've already enjoyed education and travel too much in life. I've been corrupted by other people's thoughts, and realized that most people in this world have a lot to offer and that different perspectives can bring greater depth of understanding. Sadly, I think this corruption has made me indelibly unconservative. So, unfortunately, I think I'll still remain my old, boring, liberal self.

If only as a young boy I could have had a cross-country flight diverted to one of the middle square states, things could have been different. . .

2004-11-03T10:29:00.000-08:00

Previews of the next four years:

4 years of "Government by prayer":
As Bush swept the early states, Jeremy Bouma, a member of something called the Center for Christian Statesmanship, told me the expected surge in Democratic turnout would be offset by new evangelical voters. "My prayer going into this was that the evangelical vote was the X Factor," he said.

4 years of self righteous religious right domestic social agenda:
Voters in 11 states approve constitutional amendments to ban same-sex marriage

4 years of listening to "gun analogies":
Social conservatives were expectedly pleased. "I think it is a real warning shot across the bow of politicians, but also a warning shot across the bow to activist judges," said Gary Bauer, chairman of the Campaign for Working Families, a political action committee that supported the constitutional amendments.

4 years of "turning back the clock":
Four more years to pursue the war on terror and a conservative, tax-cutting agenda - and probably the opportunity to name one or more justices to an aging Supreme Court (the Bush "gift that keeps on giving" for years to come)

The Election Blog: 2004

2004-11-03T02:01:00.000-08:00

Welcome, to the first ever Electoral Blog! We have with us the four housemates: TJ, Sean, Tony and Jon. In addition, we have fellow law students and grads Jaime, Shelly, Nate, Justin, Brian L, and Daphne. It should be intersting as we attempt to bring you the highlights as we discuss and dissect (and dismantle) the candidates and the media who announce their victories and defeats. Enjoy....

6 pm – SMP still perfect in CNN poll

6:01- Lemoine jackassness increasing by minute; Jaime still hungry (Thai food seems eminent)

6:02 - Lemoine on social issue tirade – talking shit about rednecks and that they should die – brings up slavery, segregation – motion to put powers on speaker denied, wisely

6:03 - Judy Woodruff has disgusting waddle – needs work done

6:05 - Decided to get Thai food……..finally

6:06 – Update:
Kerry states – DE, IL, MD, VT, CT, ME, MA, NJ, NY, RI, DC
Bush states (also known as the toothless majority) – AL, GA, IN, KS, NC, SC, OK, SD, ND, TX, VA, WY, KY, TN, WV

6:08 - Nate won’t tell us who he voted for

6:09 - When was Bob Woodward replaced with a wax figure? (TJ) “Woodward looks like one of those puppets from that Phil Collins video.” We are all visibly frightened.

6:10 - I love how the next 4 years the US will still be ruled by people who believe in the legend of Jesus.

6:12 - Room has erupted into anti-Catholic rhetoric – Lemoine would have sex with Big Red, if only to teach her a lesson (“No-one knows what they want until they have had sex.” [we were puzzled as well] Nate would be jealous. [editors note: Big Red was a Christian fundamentalist that we all met in Big Bear during Oktoberfest. Her extremity frightened many, intrigued few. Her affection for Nate has recently been revealed.]

6:17 - Kerry now losing Ohio – fuck

6:18 (TJ) Wondering why we are still voting by pen? Is this the farthest we have come? What the hell year is this? I can order sex toys from a thrift shop in Manchester using the internet and my credit card, but I have to have a bored housewife show me how to force feed a paper ballot into a box. It boggles my mind.

6:22 - (Sean) “I am zero percent worried about terrorism.”

6:22 – It appears that the business class chick from The Apprentice is now giving opinions on senatorial races. Well, not her exactly, but she looks like her. Actually, she looks like a young boy. She also is well versed on the battle between DeMint and Tenenbaum in South Carolina, which means she has way too much time on her hands. Sean is pissed at her for insulting his intelligence. Just put her with the rest…..

6:24 – (Sean) “Nate, you are an anarchist.” Strong words. Then again, Nate is the guy who wanted to run on a platform of “Legalize Rape.” He wasn’t serious, but….wait, I don’t think he was serious.

6:25 – Apprentice-chick just told us that the Hispanic population is growing in Florida. Also, this just in: Water is wet, and the sky is blue. Thanks for that bit of information, Britannica.

6:27 – Nate predicts that this election will come down to Hawaii. There is a motion to annex them from the Union if they screw this up….

6:28 – Lemoine, angry that Nadir took 3 votes from Kerry in Florida (Nadir – deep dark crevice) [editor’s note: nadir was originally a type of Nader, but when we realized how appropriate it was, it remained.]

6:29 – Borat says, “If bush wins, we will take power, we will seize it.”

6:30 - Quote – “Nadir not a factor this year.”

6:31 – Bush takes Bourbon Street – Lemoine more upset this time than first – I threw him some Mardi Gras beads to calm him down [editor’s note: LA was given to Bush by CNN at 6:29. At 6:31 we changed to Fox News, who then gave LA to Bush as well. Brian assumed Bush would get double the votes. We had to convince him that it only counts once, not once for each channel that acquiesces.]

6:32 - Bush takes Mississippi – (Sean) Seriously, abbreviate you fucking redundant name. Faulkner would throw up that you’ve kept it that long.

6:33 - Nice to see JoPa is running in PA – his coaching career is clearly over. [editor’s note: Candidate Paterno is running for a house seat in PA. Clearly not the coach at first glance, but seeing as he is getting his ass kicked, we aren’t ruling it out.]

6:36 – (Sean) “I don’t see how people can vote Republican. Ever.”

6:37 – Lemoine just called Shelly, “Shelby.” He is clearly intoxicated.

6:39 – (Sean) “If Bush win, I have to either leave the country, or take up arms.” That seems to be the consensus view. We can’t wait to book flights to Europe. Perhaps Canada will take us, eh? Not sure. I’m not much of a hockey player.

6:42 – (Sean) “Republicans make me hate God.” (TJ) Clearly the greatest quote thus far tonight. Sure, it’s radical, but it’s legit. These bible thumpers, insisting on mixing church and State. I’m pretty sure we are not supposed to do that. I could be wrong, but, yes, I’m pretty sure I read that somewhere.

6:45 – (All) How is it possible that Bush, in 2000, beat a guy just barely, then had four years of absolutely terrible leadership, and now, MORE people are voting for him, and he is running against a better candidate? Is the United States that stupid? Are people that uninformed? Something is going terribly wrong here. An incumbent, who ignored a report about possible terrorist bombings, which lead to 3000 deaths. An incumbent, who took us into a war that has killed 1000 more people, chasing false reports the entire time, and clearly operating like a cowboy on his own agenda. And incumbent, who supports using the Constitution to ban such a trivial thing as gay marriage. We are all sitting here, mouths agape, staring into the bearded visage of Wolf Blitzer, asking “Why Wolf? Why?”

6:47 - Unfortunately, JoPa is losing in the election too. Concession speech I am sure went, “Well, we had a two vote lead, but couldn’t capitalize.”

6:48 - Shot of the entire Bush family in the yellow room of the white house. Privilege never looked so bad. At least the Kennedy clan had class.

6:49 - Nebraska to Bush, but the Huskers still lost 70-10 to Texas Tech, so the world is still at balance.

6:51 - Lemoine renounces his faith. Sean is going to email the Vatican Lemoine’s notice of voluntary excommunication. Lemoine is now a good hour away from becoming a Muslim. He vows a jihad by 9 pm.

6:55 - Republican party is Nazi party marching around with their signs. [editor’s note: this refers to those Aryan nation children in the back of the CNN studio holding up their Bush signs like there is an SS Agent holding a Lugar to their heads.]

6:56 - Novak cannot swallow his spit. He’s like a boxer in his corner. He must have a spit funnel between shots.

6:57 - Next poll closing in 45 seconds. Lemoine ticking time bomb.

6:59 – Thai food is here. Bye bye Sean. TJ on the mic now…..

7:00 – Lemoine is now heckling the entire state of Utah for being virgins. Sodom and Gomorrah could vote Republican, and Lemoine would heckle them…..(Brian: “But at least those people are open minded.”)

7:03 – (TJ) The good thing is, even if Bush wins according to CNN, we can always check with Brokaw, who might report the opposite.

7:04 – We are listening to a Kerry guy (Joe Lockhart) with the Kerry campaign thoughts on the swing states: Believe that Ohio will swing toward the Kerry party; Belief that Florida will swing. Odd. How very shocking. Republicans are equally upbeat about the future. Great. Great reporting. These are valuable excerpts CNN is giving us.

7:07 –
Who will run in ’08 for the Republicans?
Brian, Sean – Guliani
TJ – Powell
Shelly – McCain (but doesn’t believe it)
Nate – Ahnold (or McCain) [Arnold can’t run. It is illegal. Nate receives 2 demerits.]

If Kerry loses, who runs in ’08 for Democrats?
Shelly, Brian – Hillary Clinton
TJ – Baraka Obama
Sean – No clue
Nate – Clinton?

7:09 – Brian just called Glenda Hilliot (sp), the head of the voting system in Florida, a “vag”

7:12 – There seems to be a problem between Brian and Nate. Brian doesn’t think Clinton was way off in lying about his sexual relations with Monica. This is clearly the most sexually explicit discussion on politics ever engaged in. We are still not sure what the exact definition of sexual intercourse is, but we have some suggestions.

7:14 – The discussion between Brian and Nate has degenerated.
Brian: “Bush kills Americans! Bush kills Americans!”
Nate: “Hitler killed Jews, so what!”
Brian: “Hitler never got re-elected!!”

7:15 – Brian hates all the southern redneck states for voting for Bush. He is also angry that the majority of these states have sodomy laws that outlaw everything by the missionary position. For many of is, this is a non-issue, seeing as we are all currently celibate. Brian, it seems, hasn’t had sex in 4 years. Let me write that again…..4 years. The shock hasn’t sunk in yet.

7:18 – Barak Obama is giving his victory speech. We are all excited for the future of this guy. Former Constitutional law professor, which of course, we like. He sounds like a good man and a good politician. By the way, Obama is beating Keyes 76% to 24%. This is a battle like it’s a battle between a hammer and a nail.

7:21 – TJ just made a toothless southerner joke. I thought it was still in vogue in this room, but I missed the window. It failed like Keyes.

7:22 - Nate and Witmer are just the assholes who fuck with everyone

7:27—TJ angry with countrymen requiring support for Bush if Kerry loses. He’s had 4 years of practice hating Bush. Why would he stop now?

7:29—Brian accuses Jim Bunning (KY) of having “all-timers disease.”

7:30 – We are convinced that Larry king has been dead for four years, and is clearly running on batteries at this point. Apparently, he goes to the same wax figure guy as Woodward.

7:32 – (Sean) fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

7:33 - Bush 69, Kerry 31 in Utah – bright side, first 69 in Utah history

7:36 - Daily Show – a biological study shows that there is shit all over voting booths (actual feces) – unnerving, yet seems appropriate given the state of politics.

7:41 - Skogen – “Is it done?” Up on current events, eh?

7:42 - Skogen – Did PA go to Bush?

7:43 – Exchange:
Lemoine: “Everyone with a job in OH votes for Kerry.”
Jaime: “You don’t have a job, and you voted for Kerry.”
Lemoine – “I retract.”
[editor’s note: Retraction noted. Retraction denied.]

7:51 – Kerry is way ahead in PA, and they are calling it. This is huge. But we gotta get Ohio or Florida I think, and both are going to be tough. Brian is calling Ohio, but that is far from a ringing endorsement.

7:53 – Sean is lighting the gas fireplace. We might lose a team member here. Someone dial up Ladder 49. Here goes the match……the whiff. No fire. Match two……strike two. Match three…….success! Turns out it was just missing…..gas. Imagine that.

7:55 – Just got to CNN. Oh man, are they biased. After announcing that Ohio looked good for Bush early on, the moderator just said that Ohio would “count all their votes. How quaint.” Quaint? Yeah, how old fashioned of them to want to figure out who actually won…

7:56 – (TJ) James Carville would make an ugly skeleton.

7:57 – Damn these Republicans. They have trotted out all of these teenage girls, white as the driven snow, blonde hair, big happy smiles. Do they have any idea what they are supporting. I don’t think so. It is so ridiculous for them to be there, supporting Republican views, when by the time they are college juniors they will be raving liberals, smoking enough dope to get a horse high.

8:03 – This just in: Five voting booths at UCSD tonight at 5 pm, with a 3 hour line. I think Afghanistan voted faster in their premier election. [editor’s note: Speaking of which, do they have similar election coverage by Afghani CNN? “We are going to call Cave 12 for Mohammed. 85% are reporting, and we are going to give Cave 12 to Mohammed. That puts him in the clear lead and…..wait, this just in, Mohammed has been killed.”

8:05 - Oregon is going to have 50 percent of their votes counted tonight – good effort guys, this isn’t important or anything.

8:08 - In reference to 7:56 entry – James Carville IS an ugly skeleton

8:09 - Take the remote away from the drunk (Lemoine)

8:10 - Fuck people who want to cut down trees

8:11 - Shelly with this exclusive – Puffy voted. (one life saved…..)

8:12 - TJ explains sarcasm to miss facetious, Jaime, of all people

8:15 - Lemoine celebrates stem cell research victory for California………1% of precincts reporting. Lemoine’s celebration more premature than a stem cell sample.

8:19 - Lemoine cannot see the 2000 point font to the right of Wolf Blitzer’s head. Someone get this man a health care plan.

8:20 – Exchange
Sean – “TJ, why do you have to be such a fucking cocksucker.”
TJ: “I have no choice.”

8:21 - TJ calls Lemoine “Negative Nelly”

8:22 - Nadir just said, “Anything is better than Bush.” – weird way to show it you fucking idiot.

8:23 - Lemoine apologizes about being wrong about Iowa – Jaime ripped him a new asshole for breaking out misinformation.

8:26 – (Sean) “Lemoine, you are a wealth of misinformation.”

8:28 – Lemoine did a jig when Kerry won New Hampshire. Does he even know they have like ½ electoral votes? He just exclaimed that if Kerry doesn’t win Ohio, Pennsylvania and Florida, he loses. Brian believes he needs all three. (been saying that for 4 hours)

8:29 – Sean is going out on a limb, stating that if Bush wins 270+ electoral votes, he will win. We are all anxiously awaiting to see if such a prediction is true…

8:31 – Lemoine is taking a beating for not cleaning up his garbage. Brian’s reaction: “Everyone is turning against me because they know I’m right.” One problem, no one knows what Brian thinks he’s right about. Memo to Bud Light: Good news, the beer works.

8:32 – Tony is on the board with a totally unrelated joke. Q: What do Michael Jackson and a silver-medalist have in common? A: They both came in a little behind.
TJ: “Should I blog that?”
Sean: “I am totally against child molestation jokes.”
TJ: “No. You aren’t.”
Sean: “Right. Blog it.”

8:33 – So Brian, dedicated student and recent recipient of a JD, is now living in a home with wheels. I’d love to say it was an RV, but it is, in fact, a pick-up truck with a shell on it. This is causing worry amongst the group, for combining Brian’s drinking habits with his current habitat could make him “short for this world.” This blog will take off once young Brian can start bringing girls “home.” He’ll actually be able to take them home in the morning without having to wake them up.

8:38 – Lemoine is vacillating. Any slight movement in the wrong direction and he has a mini-heart attack. It’s like having Dick Cheaney in the room during an episode of Will and Grace.

8:40 – Brian is driving the TV, and just swerved a little. Seems getting on him was a bad idea. Brian: “One mistake, why do you have to bust my balls all night?!?!?” TJ: “That’s what we do!”

8:45 – Memo to McClure in Idaho à QUIT POLITICS. The current race for Senate in Idaho reads as follows: Crapo 54,800; McClure 315

8:45 – Candy Crowley is on TV right now, and she is making my skin crawl(ey). One person described her as “Carney Wilson, pre-stomach stapling.” I suggested perhaps they stapled C. Wilson’s stomach onto her…..

8:52 Lemoine’s question: Who is more likely to kill a race of people – Democrats or Republicans. Room – We are without speech.

8:53 POLL
Who is most likely to kill a race of people – Dems or Reps?
Shelly, Justin, Jaime, Sean – Republicans
TJ, Nate, Witmer, Tone, Daphne – Libertarians
FINAL TALLY – 4 Reps; 5 Libertarians; 0 Democrats
[editor’s note: clearly the most ridiculous exchange initiated by Brian Lemoine up till now.]

8:59 - Lemoine proposes 60% tax. Nate counters with 99% tax, and a $100 per week allowance for all Americans to spend as they wish. “As long as I get health care, “ demands an unfazed Lemoine.

9:06 – We are convinced that Lemoine wants Bush to win in the same way that some people poison their kids for attention.

9:08 - Karen Hughes is wearing a tweed coat with a matching color tweed flower (that looks like a tweed koosh ball) and leather elbow patches. She is also sporting a flesh colored mic that looks like a little penis.

9:09 - I don’t get people that stand in the background and try to see themselves on TV – with the explosion of cable television, it’s harder to not be on TV.

9:12 – NEWSFLASH: Lemoine has officially called the election for Bush.

9:13 - Does Lemoine hate Bush or Ron Zook more – Bush, because he will destroy

9:14 - Idaho Senate Update – Crapo (R) 122,657 99%; McClure (D) 635 1%

9:15 Candy Crowley looks like a head floating on a pile of coal. She’s seriously gained wait since her last appearance on the telecast (15 minutes ago)

9:17 - Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls, Judy “Left Eye” Woodruff (actually she has one bag under one eye) [editor’s note: is this what happens when you are half-asleep?]

9:18 Barack Obama – Good political career possibilities until that Bin Laden dude killed his name. [(TJ) “I like Obama, a lot. It’s going to really suck when he gets assassinated.”]

9:19 - Escondido safety bond going down – tragedy

9:25 – TJ: “Oh, Brit Hume….Why the long face?”

9:29 - I care about southern house races, I really do – but can we project some more presidential numbers please?

9:35 – George Will is NOT wearing a toupee. No really, tell yourself that over and over again, and you may begin to believe it. There is also a Santa Clause and compassionate conservatives.

9:39 - Shit talking resumes as Wittmer calls Lemoine the 5th roommate - Everyone oooohs…..

1:02 am – UPDATE: TJ, Sean and Nate all went and played indoor soccer. That vote is in, and it isn’t too close to call: We stink. No recount needed. TJ typing at ya now, watching the election coverage alone. Lemoine has gone to bed, as has Sean. Everyone is home, and sleepy. I remain, anxious to see if Kerry gets Wisconsin. As it stands, Bush leads 254 electoral votes to 242. Basically, we need Wisconsin and Ohio, which is like counting on your two stoner friends to pick you up. It may happen, but you just can’t count on them to do the right thing. Some highlights since we got home:

*Lemoine has given up on caring about politics and America in general. We are all very disappointed in this country for voting based on meaningless religious matters (gay marriage and abortion), rather than firing a man who clearly made a mockery of his office. The last President to do such a bad job was Carter, and he was ousted immediately. We really could have used some of that common sense this time around.
*What is going on in Ohio? Clearly, Democratic voters out there were spooked and didn’t show. There is talk now about Kerry conceding, which is ludicrous. There are 300,000 provisional ballots yet to be counted, and you can bet that a majority of them are minorities and students, who all traditionally vote Democratic.

*Great to see how unbiased Fox and CNN are. CNN has been better, but it is disappointing to see media institutions like these take sides. What has gone unnoticed by many has been the various media talking heads wearing their political affiliation on their sleeve – or more clearly, as their sleeve. Blue ties and red ties are the norm on every station, with the occasional purple tie worn by those unable to take a side. (or as we call them, idiots)

*Whether you are Democrat or Republican, just know this: A Bush victory is bad for us all. Sure, those of you with economic interests in the election will be the beneficiaries, but at the expense of the greater good. As many as 4 Supreme Court seats may need to be filled in the next four years (Rhenquist, Ginsburg, Stevens, O’Connor), and if Bush leads the charge to fill them, we will have an extremely conservative, right wing group of judges deciding matters of Constitutional Law. The thought of a bench full of Scalias and Thomas’ is a shaky proposition. I can feel my rights constricting already. As for the actual work we can expect out of the President, we can expect (a) to remain in Iraq much longer than we should; (b) an amendment outlawing gay marriage (an issue that clearly belongs in the hands of the states); (c) increased legislation making a women’s right to choose illegal: (d) increasingly lax environmental laws (drilling in Alaska will happen soon); (e) a continued deficit, with the likelihood of an increase; (f) zero social security reform, meaning you and I are on our own; (g) increased foreign policy problems, and the likelihood that we will be ostracized by the global community (start learning Chinese everyone, they will be #1 shortly). There are a litany of other problems we as a country face, but who has time to talk about them all. I am very disappointed in everyone that voted for this nitwit, and refused to admit what a horrible job he has done. It amazes me, his dad did a very good job, and got voted out of office. This knucklehead does one of the worst jobs in history, and actually gains votes. As I have said before, it boggles the mind.

*Quick note: Daschle lost in South Dakota, and that is totally inexcusable.
*Quick note 2 (final note): Crapo 372,000 – McClure 2,000
*Quick note 3 (2:03 am): We got Wisconsin!!! This is great news. It is all about Ohio now (even though there is a close enough vote in at least four other states that need a recount.) Come on Buckeye state, don't let me down.....Keep hope alive!

Good night……

Real Quick

2004-10-28T14:04:00.000-07:00

Why does your President (your Pres, cause he sure as hell aint MY pres....)......why does your President insist on referring to the terrorists as "evil doers?" Seriously, when did we get trapped in a Marvel Comic? I half expect Osama to be kicking it in the Legion of Doom with Dr. Octopus and The Penguin. Evil doers? Metropolis and Gothem City have evil doers. We have maniacal, suicidal, bomb carrying, rock throwing, unshaven, dirty, stinky bastard terrorists holed up in caves across the Middle East throwing darts at an architectural calender trying to decide which beloved landmark to crash a vehicle into next. I just wonder what they would have done if the planes handn't knocked out the WTC. They tried a van. Then went right to planes. (didn't even try a hangglider, or a bulldozer....no middle ground, just straight to jets.) I imagine they would have hijacked the SPace Shuttle. Probably would have gotten away with it too:

"Im sorry, there is no Mohammed on this flight to the moon."
"Oh, I am very sorry. I was on stand bye....here is my passport. My name is really John Glenn."
"Oh, Im sorry Mr. Glenn, go right in. And grab a Bistro meal on the way. We'll be serving Tang once we clear the atmosphere."
"Thank you. Praise to Allah."
"What was that?" "Oh, nothing...."

I mean, really, evildoers? He has also referred to the terrorists as a "group of folks." A group of folks go on bus riders to Indian casinos to play bingo. These guy go on plane rides into freaking buildings. Slight difference. A group of folks has bake sales, and meet up for Sunday BBQs. These guys are trying to bake and bbq everyone in America. Let's be a little more technical in the future. I mean, what, softer language so as not to scare people? Dude, the NSA is issuing "blanket warnings" for "general threats" which means the government is making us piss our pants "just because." No specifics, no real reason to get nervous....just G Dubs telling everyone, watch your back for no exact time frame and look for nothing in particular. It could be anything!

Im spent.....

My brain hurts....

2004-10-28T11:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, this should be an odd post. It seems there is a bulletin board at my sister's work, and some moron posted, "Wow, a lunar eclipse during the World Series, I wonder if that has ever happened?" Ok, this is from a person pulling a paycheck, which pisses me off. What a complete moron. Worse though is the response. "This is the first lunar eclipse during the series, but of course, the World Series started in ____?" Ok, this person managed to say "of course" before stating a fact that they didn't know. Um, of course what? Of course, the World Series Started when, 1999? 1900? 400 BC? 0? I need these facts, otherwise it all speculation. And what if there was a World Series in 0 or around there? Here is the article I dug up from the archives....

First World Series! Romans defeat Jews 4 games to 3! A real barnburner in the final game, as rightfielder Pontious Pilate nailed left fielder Jesus at the plate to prevent the tying run. All twelve guys following him were also tagged out as Pilate recorded the outs in the final three innings with the one throw. Jesus was still named WS MVP as he hit 1.000 (the man is infallible, you know?) and robbed 7 home runs while walking on the walls. He also kept starting pitcher John the Baptist in by healing his rotator cuff between games 1 and 4. The weak link for the Jews was all field-no hit shortstop Luke, who didn't get a hit all season. "He's here for his glove," said Jesus later, "He was once a fisher of the sea, but I then made him a fisher of men. Then of course, I told him to grab that net of his and become a fisher of sharp grounders in the hole. He did his job." Players became despondant over the course of the season, it is rumored, when they would dump their pay satchels out on the locker room table, and Jesus would repeatedly turn the table over. "We just couldn't keep our money in order," exlaimed third baseman Judas, "Look at the Romans, they've got Nero Steinbrenner paying them in fatted calfs and gold coins. Jesus took away our money and we all signed for unlimited bread and wine. Small market, shmall market, Im opting out before the cock crows thrice." Speaking of the Roman owner, he as already said he will fire his GM after the Jews managed to keep it close. "I'll think of something, " he would say later, "If I have to declare Jesus a heretic, I will. Whatever it takes."

That was all I could get. It was written in cuniform on a stone tablet, so the translation is iffy.....Im pretty sure its accurate though....

Thought of the Day

2004-10-27T16:37:00.000-07:00

"The last group of people to listen to a Bush was Moses and the Jews, and they ended up in the desert for 40 years. We've been there for 4 now, and I say, we cut bait and don't fall for the same trap...."
-TJ

NEWS FLASH:

If you are reading this, and you are going to the USD Law School Halloween Party, be advised that we will be hosting a pre-party at the Chesterfield West at Twin Palms around 6:30-7 ish before we go over. The party is there in Mission Beach, so it's perfect. If you need directions, email me, or write in the comments, or ask a cool person. Anyone who is cool knows where we live.

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"We were up 2-0, and we couldn't capitalize."
-Joe Paterno

Is that the most pathetic quote by a football coach in history? Up 2-0? That's like being excited you held them to a tie right up until kick off. "Well, we had them right where we wanted them, but then the bus showed up...."

God Help Us!!!!!

2004-10-26T16:24:00.000-07:00

There are two steps to understanding this blog:

1. Watch the Apprentice regularly AND
2. Visit this link: http://www.stacyrotner.com/speaking.html (preferably without jumping out of the nearest high story window)

Now that we're all terrified of what the world has become, a little levity . . .

I think we should get a copy of the enrollment lists from "Rots'" speaking engagements and send each and every person attending to a Korematsu-style internment camp in the Arizona desert. These people pose a far greater risk to our society than the Nazis did, or Al Qaeda does now -- they're like a Koreshian cult mixed with buzzard sounds. Hopefully, no one will shell out cash to listen to Rots speak about: Lessons Learned from the Apprentice, Feistiness Counting, Dating Lessons Learned from the Apprentice, Women in the Legal Profession, Ten Legal Tips Every Woman Should Know, Getting Ahead as a Woman, Dating 101, Dating Tips for Young Professionals, Motivational Speeches at Graduation ceremonies and school lectures, Learning How to Ask for (and Get!) What you Want, not taking No for an Answer, or Aiming for the Stars (even I couldn't make this shit up -- check out the site!). Hopefully, as Consigliari and I, anticipate, this speaking career will be a horrible failure for Rots and we won't have to cordon off these whackos from society. But alas, cheer up, Rots -- Consig and I have an alternative money making plan for you!!!!

In short, this is how the new plan works: Ms. Rotner speaks on a given television channel constantly, forever (like if hell were Trump's boardroom). In exactly-opposite-from TV telethon fashion, callers can call in and donate Rots money to shut up. But that's not all, for given pledge amounts, viewers can actually travel to the set and shut Rots up themselves. Here are a couple of hastily-put-together possiblities: For $1,000 you can shut Rots up with a boat-oar; For $2,000, you can shut her up with the hood of a moving car. You get the idea -- the possibilities are limited only by human ingenuity!

Since we're such good samaritans, Rots, you can even use this concept without paying us royalties. I have a hunch, though, that you probably won't. But even then, we win -- we'll never hear you again, and we'll get out of listening to you with a sentence of only Thursday Nights' time served.

Tecmo Season I; Update 2: Playoffs

2004-10-25T11:21:00.000-07:00

He did it. The little monkey did it. Im not sure how, but the Tecmo gods were looking favorably on young Sean and granted him a reprieve, and a trip to the playoffs. The final standings for the NFC West are:

Team________________Record___________Points For________Points Against
Atlanta (TJ).......................13 - 2 - 1.....................470..........................209
San Francisco (Tony).........12 - 4..........................401..........................249
New Orleans (John)...........10 - 6...........................443..........................361
Los Angeles Rams (Sean) ....9 - 7...........................360...........................390

Total Offense Rankings
#8 Atlanta
#15 New Orleans
#25 Los Angeles Rams
#27 San Francisco

Total Defense Rankings
#1 Atlanta
#2 New Orleans
#3 San Francisco
#4 LA Rams

PLAYOFF MATCHUPS

Opening Round

AFC:
Miami (Bye) and Houston (Bye)
Buffalo @ Kansas City (winner plays Miami)
New York Jets @ Denver (winner plays Hou)

NFC:
Atlanta (Bye) and New York Giants (Bye)
New Orleans @ San Francisco (winner plays NYG)
LA Rams @ Chicago (winner plays ATL)

Second Round

AFC:
Miami vs. Kansas City
Houston vs. New York Jets

NFC:
NY Giants vs. New Orleans
Atlanta vs. Los Angeles Rams

Conference Championship Games:

Miami vs. New York Jets
Atlanta vs. New Orleans

Super Bowl:

ATLANTA 35 Miami 22

Super Bowl MVP: QB, Chris Miller (90% comp, 294 yards, 3 TD)

Statistical Leaders (house teams only):

PASSING
Player, Team_________Cmp%_____Yards______TD____INT____Rating
Joe Montana, SF.............48.6...........2,877............39...........3...........168.2
Chris Miller, ATL............55.0...........3,416.............40..........16..........142.9
Steve Walsh, NO.............61.8............4,111.............49...........23.........125.9
Jim Everett, LAR............56.4...........1,574.............13...........7...........122.9

RUSHING
Player, Team_______________ Yards______YPC________TD
Cleveland Gary, LAR...................1,802............9.6.................27
Mike Rozier, ATL.........................842...............5.8.................15
Roger Craig, SF............................568...............6.3.................12
Dalton Hilliard, NO.........................80...............N/A...............0

RECEIVING
Player, Team________________Rec________Yards________TD
Andre Rison, ATL........................32..................1,471.................22
John Taylor, SF...........................27..................1,219.................16
Eric Martin, NO...........................33...................1,243.................14
Brett Perriman, NO......................61...................1,114.................10
Jerry Rice, SF..............................25..................887....................12
Shawn Collins, ATL......................24..................767....................10
Hoby Brenner, NO.......................36..................747....................13
Pete Holohan, LAR......................28...................468....................1

Sack Leader: 25 ----Tory Epps, ATL

Int Leader: 10 ------Dave Waymer, SF

Kick Off Returns (Special Mention): Gil Fenerty, 30.3 ypr, 7 TD

Offensive MVP Finalists ( vote in comments section):
Cleveland Gary, LAR
Joe Montana, SF
Steve Walsh, NO
Neal Anderson, CHI
Andre Rison, ATL
Marion Butts, SD

Defensive MVP Finalists (vote in comments section):
Tory Epps, ATL
Deion Sanders, ATL
Dave Waymer, SF
Wayne Haddix, TB
Dennis Byrd, NYJ
Gil Byrd, SD

JP's big lie

2004-10-24T17:55:00.000-07:00

I shit last night, and shockingly, it did not sober me up. What's next JP? Is crying going to cure cancer?

261 weight loss strategy

2004-10-23T21:48:00.000-07:00

Good weight loss decsions:
1. Ran 2.28 miles (-.5 lbs)
2. Cut mayonaise from diet (-1 lb)
3. Replaced blood with vodka (-12 lbs due to dehydration)
4. Exercise 2:00 a.m. (wwf with car + street brawl) (-.25 lbs)
5. Puked in friends bed (-2 lbs)

Bad weight loss decisions:

1. drank my weight in beer (+ 12 lbs -4 lbs due to deydration= +8 lbs)
2. ate pizza, french fries, burritos, ranch dressing on salad, more french fries, french dip sandwich, some other shit that cannot be good for my fat ass!

Side effects of new diet:

Things are askew. Walked past witmer's room and the blinds looked straight. thought it was a good idea to use the pile driver onto a honda full of heads. Mistook cop car for bathroom. mistook female cop for doormat.

more later.

Typical Thursday

2004-10-22T11:41:00.000-07:00

As old men, I thought we had outgrown childish things like barfights . . .

Once upon a time (around 1:15 am on Oct. 22) at Plum Crazy, a crazy thing happened. We were sitting there, minding our own business, when suddenly Powers got jumped by some dude. I vaguely recall Powers talking to some broad, the dude walking up, Powers saying something like "beat it, bitch" to the dude, the dude slamming his drink down and breaking it, and the dude throwing wild punches at Powers. Powers dodged the dude, and I grabbed him from behind by the face to "break up" the fight. They got kicked out, we stayed. Pretty fun, all in all.

But no, that's not all -- when we leave the bar, the dude is waiting for Powers outside. So, finally everything outside chills, and the dude and his friends are pulling away in their car. An inebriated Skogen decides that this is the perfect time to work on his "people's elbow", on the hood of the dude's car, and does so. Then those 5 dudes get out of their car, and a 5-on-5 brawl in the EZ-Jay's parking lot ensues. Enter rent-a-cop to regulate. Fight breaks up, we escape relatively unscathed, and no one is arrested (from our group).

So ends night one of the Powers-Brothers return. This weekend is going to be interesting.

DAY 1 of Biggest Twin Palms Loser

2004-10-21T13:58:00.000-07:00

Wow, this weight-loss thing is easy -- a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, a sensible dinner, 60 beers while watching playoff baseball, and a 700-calorie carne asada burrito for a nightcap -- the pounds are melting away.

Topic 1 -- Accidental Red Sox fans
I know we all hate the Yankees (especially Wittmer), but come on. Last night, the Pacific Ocean may as well have been the Charles River west. One of two things have happened: (1) the entire City of Boston moved to San Diego for game 7 of the Sox-Yanks series, or (2) the entire City of San Diego went Jamiyl and jumped on the Sox bandwagon faster than Lemoine onto a burrito. Indulge me, and let's say it's the second.

It escapes me how people who don't give a shit about a team one week can be cheering "who's your poppy (apologies to Sox fans -- I've learned it's actually "Papi")" at Moondoggies the next. Do I hate the Yankees, yes. Did I enjoy seeing the Yankees lose and am I happy the Sox beat them, yes. Does my hometown squad dominate them, yes (we're 1-0 in World Series against them, and if you really think about it, us beating Rivera in 2001's game 7 really started the crumbling of the Yankee empire, not this). However, I also love the fact that sports have fans. True Bostonians who have sufferred the Yankees for generations are one of the great groups of fans in sports. But if everyone can just become any team's fan at any time, being a fan means nothing. It's like that girl (we all know one) who says that she is "best friends" with everyone -- it takes a meaningful statement and makes is meaningless -- if you jump on every bandwagon, you're really a fan of nothing. Such a Jamiylistic sports world one in which I don't want to live (Jamiyl, by the way, is apparently a USC fan now -- it's uncanny how all of his squads seem to be putting it together this year).

Topic 2 -- Tecmo Bowl
First of all, Chuck Long is better than Everett, who is garbage. Second of all, my best defensive player is Stram. It's amazing I'm even in the hunt (playoffs? playoffs? -- yes I snuck in due to the Redskins 24-20 final game choke against the mighty Eagles -- 9-7 is good enough this year). Consigliari, it's odd that you "randomly" ended up with the second-best team in the division. You have Andre Rison, and Deion can cover the whole field by himself -- you're good because your team is good (and your entire childhood was apparently spent in front of a Nintendo-equipped TV).

Topic 3 -- My dream come true (LIKE MOST OF MY DREAMS, THIS ONE WILL NEVER HAPPEN -- HOWEVER, I'LL LEAVE IT UP FOR HISTORICAL VALUE)
Game 7, Astros-Red Sox world series. Bottom of the Ninth at Fenway, Astros up 6-0. On the hill, Roger Clemens, throwing a perfect game -- the third out is recorded, AND THE CURSE OF THE ROCKET BEGINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tecmo Update I

2004-10-21T13:09:00.000-07:00

Nobody cares, but the house is finishing up Tecmo Season I, and the results thus far have been, well, as expected for some, and very disappointing for others. We began by selecting a random division, from which we drew our teams out of a hat. The old NFC West was chosen, and the results are as follows:

TJ - Atlanta Falcons
John - New Orleans Saints
Tony - San Francisco 49ers
Sean - Los Angeles Rams

Now, Tony was the presumed worst player of the four, so giving him such a monster squad seemed ok. Well, we miscalculated. We forgot that Tony wasn't working at the time we started, which provided for endless hours of time on the practice field. Needless to say, he has since discovered the magic of Joe Montana. Sean meanwhile, constrained by his new duties in the working world has slipped to the depths of mediocrity.

Current Standings:

Atlanta.............................12-1-1
San Francisco....................11-2
New Orleans......................8-5
Los Angeles........................7-7

TJ is clearly the dominant player, having dispatched of almost all teams, save for a ridiculous tie against Washington, and a loss to a "nuclear" LA Raider squad. In the meantime, I have hung scores of 42-0 and 53-0 on the Rams, as well as a recent 28-13 over SF and 37-10 over NO. Anything but a Super Bowl title will not be tolerated in Hotlanta this season. The current highlights:

*Sean is fighting for a playoff spot with about 15 other teams. 2 games left, and he has to pull it out.
*Tony refuses to throw to Jerry Rice, and if he ever figures it out, we are all doomed.
*John has managed to totally eliminate the running game from his offense. In the meantime, he has converted Steve Walsh into Johnny Unitas, no small feat.
*Atlanta is the best defensive team in the league, and amongst the top 5 in offense. An absolute juggernaut led by Chris MIller, Andre Rison and Deion Sanders (the MVP, if there ever was one)
*Cleveland Gary of the Rams is 4th in the league in rushing, demosntrating that Sean has a vague idea of what he is doing. However, he has replaced Jim Everett with Chuck Long, demonstrating that Jim Rome wasn't all that far off...
*John should be better thant 8-5, and if he loses again, I fear the Nintendo could exit the house via a window very shortly.

Playoff bracket soon, with final stats.

Biggest Loser

2004-10-20T10:40:00.000-07:00

First, I must depart from some of good TJ's comments -- I, for one, do not respect what the people on the show are trying to do. I'm sick and tired of our society making things heroic that are not in fact heroic. I'm sorry that you can't say no to a 10th donut, but don't pretend you're doing something amazing when you are trying to re-become a healthy human being. There are certain rules of logic and reason on this planet -- one of the paramount ones of these comes from the great game of baseball -- you can't pitch yourself into a save situation. Allowing these chunksters to do so creates a perverse, Jared-Fogel-like incentive for other people to get fat so they can be on TV getting un-fat. With that said --

10/20/04 -- 7:45 am -- 215 lbs (butt-ass naked but for a towel -- don't cheat by wearing clothes, you rat bastards)

Also, I would like to formally concede this week, as I will be watching baseball playoffs and drinking dangerous amounts of beer -- however, I may be in the running for greatest increase

The Biggest Loser II

2004-10-20T01:31:00.000-07:00

Have you seen The Biggest Loser on NBC? The show started tonight, Tuesday, Oct 19. It involved 12 overweight people, fighting to lose more weight than each other, all in the hopes of eventually winning 250K. Well, we aren't exactly saints. We watch, we joke, we laugh....but know that we respect these people, and what they are trying to do. Its hard, you know? But we arent all heartless bastards (just Sean and I, it seems). So, to show our support for the good mean and women of the Biggest Loser, we, the members of the Crap Pack, will hold our own Biggest Loser 2 here in TCWaTP. Starting tomorrow morning, Oct 20th, we will weigh in, and attempt to lose more than everyone else in the house. I dont know what the prize will be, but rest assured, it will be insignificant and meaningless. What matters most is abusing each other, and ridiculing the ultimate loser. Keep tabs on us here daily. The rules are simple: An initial weigh in will proceed, and he who loses the greatest percentage of their current weight will be declared the winner.
Day 1 - The Weigh-In

Person----------------Time------------------- Weight
-----------------------------------------------------------
Tony------------10/20 10:22 pm--------------261 lbs

TJ---------------10/20 10:22 pm------------- 208 lbs

Sean ------------10/20 10:22 pm------------ 224 lbs

John ------------10/20 10:22 pm -------------191 lbs

Day 1

2004-10-20T01:21:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the official blog of four friends, from the comfort of our home on the shores of Mission Beach. The Chesterfield West at Twin Palms, home to poker tourneys, the inaugural Beach Olympics, Tecmo leagues, Apprentice and Benefactor viewings, and endless battles at the Beer Die table. Return for the various postings of TJ, Sean, Tony and John, all current or former law students, just making our way in the world today (it takes everything we've got....)

Cheers