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-- BREAKING A FILIBUSTER
Rep. Bill Cadman, R-Colorado Springs, warned a colleague Tuesday on the floor of the House, "If you try that again, I'll ram my fist up your ass."

Cadman refused to apologize. Instead, Cadman was splitting hairs. He insisted the responsibility was reciprocal: The fellow he'd threatened, Rep. Val Vigil, D-Thornton, should have to apologize, too, because Vigil had told Cadman he was "garbage." In fact, Cadman suggested, Vigil should apologize first, presumably because he'd "started it," to use the playground lingo appropriate for these two legislative titans.

Though crass, I bet Cadman will have no problem pushing his legislative agenda through – I mean, compared to an anus, a gridlocked legislature is like an oiled slip-n-slide.

A THOROUGH CIRCUMCISION
A man had to have his penis sewn back on after his girlfriend cut it off and flushed it down the toilet.

Kim Tran, of Anchorage, Alaska reportedly persuaded the boyfriend to let her tie his arms to a windowsill for kinky sex after a row about breaking up. She then grabbed a kitchen knife and cut off his manhood. Water board workers had to dismantle the toilet to find his penis, which surgeons reattached.

Seriously, women don’t get this – don’t cut off our dicks, no matter what we do. It’s just really fucked up. I’m sure he did something outrageous like not putting the toilet seat down, but nothing justifies cutting off someone’s dick. What if we tied you up and cut off your breast? We’d never get out of jail – and while we were in jail, we would likely be Cadman’d (see above). And speaking of breasts . . .

TITTIES ON THE BRAIN
Girls, please comment on this entry to determine the accuracy of Lorenzoni’s research:

An Italian sex researcher claims he can tell a woman's personality from the size and shape of her breasts. Sexologist Piero Lorenzoni said: "A woman's breasts denote a woman's character, just like her star sign."

He has categorized breast types according to fruits and says men can draw up their own horoscope-type chart that indicates what a woman's chest size says about her.

The fruity chart starts naturally with the traditional melon. According to Lorenzoni, a woman with large, round breasts like a melon may appear motherly, but is far from it. "She likes eating and wants to be spoiled and admired. But seldom likes sex," he said.

For men who want someone a bit more lively they should choose a woman with "lemon" breasts - pert and prominent. "These women are full of life and can laugh at themselves. They want a balanced life without surprises."

Pert, oval-shaped breasts are for Lorenzoni like pineapples. "A woman with pineapple breasts is intelligent, often has a career but is still romantic. They are also faithful. Whoever wins their heart will not lose it quickly."

Grapefruit-shaped breasts - pert and firm - are also not a good sign for good sex. "This woman may look erotic, but in reality is bashful and homely. She spoils her partner but prefers tenderness over sex."

Even women with "oranges" are not going to turn up the temperature between the sheets. "While she is self-confident and knows her goals, she has little interest in sex. She likes conversation and partnerships."

Small breasted women, with assets that resemble cherries are "funny and very exciting. They are entertaining and intelligent. Make great partners both for everyday life and on holiday and are moderately interested in sex," says the researcher.

A woman with pear-shaped breasts "Loves love in all its variations. She can be very religious, but is known to have affairs."

A few thoughts: (1) Lorenzoni says that this system will be as accurate in determining a woman’s character as her “star sign.” Wow, really going out on a limb there, Piero. (2) If I ever take off a girl’s shirt and her breasts look like pineapples, I’m running like hell. (3) Guys, make sure you do your suggested project and “draw up your own horoscope-type chart.” (4) I'm gonna have a hard time picking a girl up carrying around a basket of fruit. (5) This is clearly the dumbest thing I have ever seen – and that Piero spent so much time on it, I’m speechless. (5) I’m suddenly hungry for produce.
-- SMP