What would a conservative do? (WWCD)

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? After the election, I was initially "shocked and awed" that so many people in this country have values so diametrically opposed to my own. I also noticed that most of these people live in states that I only fly over while going to visit other states. I feel that it's unfair of me to judge these differently-minded people without knowing anything about them that I haven't learned at 400 miles per hour at 35,000 feet.

So, I've decided to put myself in the shoes of these people, for one day. I've done some research, and today I'm going to partake of activities that I've heard these people regularly engage in.

Activity one -- Lunch -- WWCD?
I figured I'd start off slow, so I had fast food for lunch. I went to Jack In the Box, ordered from the 99c menu, and ate while I drove around aggressively. After I finished eating, I littered the remains of my feast out of my driver-side window.

Activity two -- Encounter with a homeless person -- WWCD?
After lunch, I had the good fortune of driving by a man on the side of the road with a "Homeless: Please Help" sign. Helpfully, I rolled down my window and told the lazy, dirty man to get a job and go to church. I'm sure he's already turned his life around, as I'm sure that some "harsh, buck-up style" direction from me and a visit with the Lord is the only thing he needed to get his life back in order.

Activity three -- Passing Planned Parenthood Office -- WWCD?
Later, I had the incredibly great luck of passing a Planned Parenthood office. I couldn't resist getting out of my car to tell a sobbing 18-year-old girl entering the clinic that she should turn around and have a child because that's what my God told me she should do. She politely refused, so I told her that she's going to hell, and that she's a whore. I also shared with her the bit of knowledge that abstinence is both pleasing to God and a very effective form of birth control.

Activity four -- Driving through Hillcrest
Still later, I had an inner conflict. Between where I was and where I was going laid Hillcrest (for non-San Diegans, it's the part of town colorfully decorated with rainbow flags). WWCD? Would they drive out of the way to avoid the "joy boys", or would they push right through down 5th Street. I reluctantly decided to pass through. While en route through the trendy boutiques, I saw several male couples holding hands walking down the street together. Disgusted, I just had to park and let them know how wrong they were. Hastily, while getting out of my car, I made a "God hates Fags" sign on the back of my windowshade. I marched around the street with my sign, also chanting its message for the benefit of any blind homosexuals that happened by. A gay couple approached me and expressed disagreement with my message. I told them how they were going the way of Sodom and Gomorrah, and God would most certainly judge them harshly (just look at the punishment of AIDS). I told them that they should repent while they still had time, for Jesus was coming soon. I also told them that thanks to my President, Congress, and fellow citizens, who are most certainly filled with the Spirit of Jesus, there will soon be a Constitutional Amendment ensuring that "fags" will never have rights equal to those who live in the favor of the Lord. I've no doubt that I helped them to see the light -- they stopped holding hands right in my presence.

Results
All in all, it was a great learning experience being a conservative for a day. I didn't know how it felt to be so completely self-righteous. It's so freeing to go through life knowing that you are eminently correct about everything and that you can learn absolutely nothing from anyone else.

Unfortunately, I think I've already enjoyed education and travel too much in life. I've been corrupted by other people's thoughts, and realized that most people in this world have a lot to offer and that different perspectives can bring greater depth of understanding. Sadly, I think this corruption has made me indelibly unconservative. So, unfortunately, I think I'll still remain my old, boring, liberal self.

If only as a young boy I could have had a cross-country flight diverted to one of the middle square states, things could have been different. . .