Survivor: Palau (consigliari)

The cast to the next edition of Survivor was announced (and does it get any stranger than a "reality" show calling its contestants the "cast"?) I am taking the list from a Yahoo News story, which lists names, ages, occupations, and locale. I dont even want to know the total story on these people, because my own thoughts will be better than anything they can tell me. A quick peek at the next group of island dwellers:

Coby Archa, 32, hairstylist from Athens, Texas
*Coby? This is a guy's name right? I'll assume he is the token gay guy. Is there a straight male hairstylist in America? I mean, honestly, is there?

Ashlee Ashbee, 22, student from Easley, South Carolina
*The closest collegs to Easley, SC are Clemson, Furman, Bob Jones Univ, Greenville Technical College, Tri-County Technical College, and Spartanburg Technical College. First, there are a ton of Tech colleges aren't there. Im guessing one is never to go without refrigerator or air conditioner repair for very long in Easley. As for where Ashlee Ashbee goes (that has to be a stage name, and if it isnt, someone flog her parents) I just hope it isnt Clemson. I want it to be Bob Jones U so bad, it hurts. You know, Bob Jones U, the famously racist and bigoted college that dear old G Dubya spoke at?

Gregg Carey, 28, business consultant from Chicago
*Guarenteed to be a real prick. Also, "business consultant" = "unemployed"

Bobby John Drinkard, 27, waiter from Santa Monica
*The token non-actor actor getting his big break by starving himself and eating scorpions. Good luck, Bobby-John. Here's a hint - actors come up with good names to replace the crappy ones they had. Just a tip.

Katie Gallagher, 29, advertising exec from Merced, California
*Merced Population: 63,893. You could accomplish your advertising goals with a bull horn and flyers on telephone polls in this town. Merced doesn't need an advertising firm, much less advertising executives.

Caryn Groedel, 46, civil rights attorney from Solon, Ohio
*Solon, OH demographic: 88% white, 6% black, 6% other. In a town with a population of 21,802, Caryn has 2600 potential clients. I can't decide if this is genius or ludicrous. It just feels like opening a soul food joint in Simi Valley.

Angie Jakusz, 24, bartender from New Orleans
*Aka, The Drunk. Lucky this isnt Real World or Angie would be floating face down in the spa, suffering alcohol poisoning by episode 3.

Jolanda Jones, 39, lawyer from Houston
*Im just excited about the name Jolanda.

Stephenie LaGrossa, 25, pharmaceutical sales rep from Philadelphia
*I have no joke here, but I sense Steph isn't exactly the life of the party.

Jonathan Libby, 23,works in sales and marketing in Dallas
*Cold calls people. I hate him already. Hopefully to be bitten by something large and poisonous.

Jennifer Lyon, 32, nanny from Encino, California
*At least she is used to being filmed 24 hours a day.

James Miller, 32, steel worker from Mobile, Alabama
*Early nominee for "Most likely to punch someone." I imagine this guy is very tolerant. Someone tell the hairstylist to watch his back.

Kimberly Mullen, 25, grad student from Huber Heights, Ohio
*Likely attends Dayton, but I don't want to rule out the other college in Huber Heights - The Carousel of Miami Valley Beauty College.

Ibreheim Rahman, 27, waiter from Birmingham, Alabama
*Should consider a name change. He screams Home Security Watch List.

Ian Rosenberger, 23, dolphin trainer from Key Largo, Florida
*The fact that this is a an actual job is the stunning part. Makes me wonder which careers actually contribute less to society.

Wanda Shirk, 55, English teacher from Ulysses, Pennsylvania
*A 55 year old female english teacher. Is it sexist to assume she will be cut first?

Willard Smith, 57, lawyer from Bellevue, Washington
*Another lawyer. Is that three? I feel like they are saying something about the deceitful nature of the game, and that lawyers are best suited for it. It would be great to see all three form an alliance, and then systematically stab each other in the back. Sigh, we are so hated.

Janu Tornell, 39, Las Vegas showgirl
*God I hope the word "retired" is missing solely because of a typo.

Tom Westman, 41, firefighter from Sayville, New York
*Fireman. Good. We love them. Instantly the favorite cast member.

Jeff Wilson, 21, personal trainer from Ventura, California
*Odds of his one item that he brings with him being a mirror: 100% Probobly does gay porn.