Beer is Bad for You

You hear it all the time. Waaah, beer hurts your liver. Waaaah, beer makes you fat. Waaah, when you drink too much you turn into a completely different person who is totally inconsiderate of . . . sorry, got a little too personal there. The point is this: All the time people are bitching and moaning about the evils of beer. Well, I for one am tired of it. It's time for beer drinkers everywhere to stand tall . . . nay, to stand proud, in defense of their most precious beverage. Now, a tale extolling the virtues of the most wonderful of liquids . . .

Once upon a time in the Slovak Tatra Mountains, a man, a hero, named Richard Kral was found drunk and staggering along a mountain path. Richard, who was on holiday, had drank 60 half-litre bottles of beer while in his Audi. Drinking in his car!?!?!? What an alcoholic prick, you are undoubtedly thinking.

Why would anyone drink this much beer, while in their car, no less? Turns out parts of Europe have been hit by the heaviest snowfalls since 1941, with some places registering more than ten feet of snow in 24 hours. While driving to his holiday in the mountains, Richard became trapped in his car under an avalanche. Richie decided to kill two birds with one stone -- get hammered AND piss his way to freedom!

Richard the Lionhearted decided to drink 60 bottles of beer and urinate on the snow to melt it, creating a "yellow tunnel of life." The man scooped the snow from above him and packed it down below the window. Then he peed on it to melt it. The man later said, "It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt."

After this great ordeal, Richard could only say, "I'm glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful."

After hearing a tale of this magnatude, one naturally has the urge to reexamine one's life and gain meaning from the story told. I've done so, and I'll share lessons I've gleaned from this story of human triumph with you:

1) Respect beer -- it can keep you sane, and in a pinch, it can save your life.

2) Never, never, never, under ANY circumstances, eat the yellow snow.


**Props to Chungs for bringing this story to my attention.