Quick Hitter (Consigliari)

Whos your daddy. Let me weigh in. We have a sort of tradition in my house where we attempt to watch the worst shows we can find, just so we can sit around and destroy them like Mystery Science 3000 (like, the election for instance). We actually watched every episdoe of the Benefactor simply for the comedic value. Well, this show last night was so damn awful, I cant begin to explain it. A woman, who was given up for adoption, trying to figure out who her dad was from amongst 8 guys, 7 of whom were actors. It became so insane. First was the cocktail party, which meant 7 of them were looking at her ass, which is creepy in and of itself. Then half were cut, and some of them were crying they were so emotional. Can you imagine these dorks, actors, putting on their resume that they played Dad #4 on this show? (um, she didnt pick me, but do i get my SAG card?) Then she took them to an empty club and they danced for her (apparently her dad was a disco champ) so it had the feel of My Two Dads meets Chippendales. It was AWFUL!. Then, she got to talk to her dad on IM. Thats right, online chatting with your dad. They didnt show evereything he wrote, but Im secretly hoping "what are you wearing?" was in there. Fucking great comedy. Then she cut it to two, and had a one on one with each, in which she asked BOTH GUYS "Why did you give me up?" How do you go through that emotion twice, knowing that one is lying?????? (her brilliant quote was, "I know one of these guys is lying, but one will tell me the truth." wow.) she eventually picked the right guy, so she gets not only a reunion with her real father, but also.....100K! So, here he is, telling his daughter, Im so proud of you. Proud? First, you have no idea about her at all, she is still a stranger. Second, what you DO know about her is that she exploited this reunion to make money and be on TV. I would so NOT be proud of her!!!!! At this point, i took the batteries out of the remote because we were all feeling like less of a human. thank god i did. next came out her step sisters! oh dear god, the most awkward moment in history. (tjs roommate "they dont look very happy." tj "thats because they all just lost 1/4 of their inheritance.") Then her real mom came in, while dad looked on and gushed. he called it the happiest moment of his life, while his three kids looked on! Can you imagine the thoughts in their heads? Um, dad sure looks happy. This guy was basically celebrating a life he had lost right in front of his current family. Needless to say, the new wife was no where to be found....I imagine she wasnt exactly popping champagne over this event.....

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What happened to Ice Cube? He was a great hip hop artist, then started doing movies. So his music fell off, but the movies were actually good (Boyz in the Hood, Glass Shield, Friday). Now, his movies stink! (All ABout the Benjamins, XXX Part 2, Are We There Yet?) Who knew Hollywood could absolutely ruin such a talented individual (and if you dont think he has talent, you just dont get AmeriKKKas Most Wanted or Death Certificate). Poor guy has gone from Straight Outta Compton, to Straight To Video.

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Lastly, I would like to thank ESPN for the absolute abuse they have been giving me. I cant explain why, but we watched the first half of Tilt last night, the new ESPN original show about poker in Vegas. Good premise, and starring bad ass Michael Madsen. Well, after singlehandedly erasing all previous quality work from the resumes of Brian Dennehy, Barry Pepper, Tom Sizemore, and Tom Berenger, they seem destined to destroy any legacy Madsen had in the movie business.

These projects are so ridiculous, so over the top, and so poorly written, I need to know who keeps greenlighting these cheap pieces of crap. And it really wouldnt be so bad if they just snuck these flicks onto ESPN2 every now and then, but they insist on bashing the viewer over the head with so much hype, you can't figure out if a new show is coming, or the Messiah himself. Seriously, if Jesus announced his return, ESPN would flash it on the ticker during a replay of 3: The Dale Earnhardt Story.

And 3 really was the straw that broke my back. Day after day, I had to hear it was coming, with bad clip after another ("I aint going back to school, Daddy.") until finally they showed it. All the red staters watched it, Im sure, because it got a decent number, but then they insited on showing it over and over and over again. They were actually selling the DVD the next day!

I just feel violated by ESPN, and it is time I spoke up. My roommates could see it early on, the disheveled look, some slight bruising around my arms after Playmakers. "You ok?" they would ask? Yeah, Im fine. No problems. Then The Junction Boys was on, and Season on the Brink. I started showing up to school with the look of a battered human. "Were you in a fight?" people would ask. "I fell." I would say. "I just fell, Im ok." Finally 3 came out, and I really started to feel violated. I called ESPN, asked them to stop showing these awful movies. "We wouldn't show them so often if we didnt love you so much," they would say. I guess, that's right. It's for my own good really. Well, after Tilt, it's time for me to speak up. Im staying at a friend's house now, where he doesn't have cable. ESPN tries to send me magazines and pop up ads, but I just ignore them. I miss ESPN, I mean, we had some good times. The Cal Ripken game. The 6 OT NHL playoff game. So many College World Series'! But, it's over. ESPN, either get your act together, or Im leaving you.