There's Somebody Out There For Everyone

-- True love is hard to find -- and I for one can tell you that you aren't likely to find it at Pacers, Cheetah's, or even Tijuana, but I digress. Valentine's day can be difficult for those who haven't yet found Mr./Mrs. Right. To make this day a little easier for the single, here are two "love" stories to keep you warm, even if no one else in this cruel world will cuddle with you this Valentine's Day . . .

"Love" Story #1 -- If You Touch Me Again, I'll Cut Your Fucking Hand Off
NEWARK, New Jersey (AP) -- A security screener at Newark Liberty International Airport failed to spot a butcher knife in a passenger's pocketbook and was removed from the post for retraining, officials said.

Katrina Bell, 27, had cleared security and was waiting with her sister to board a flight on Saturday morning when she discovered she was carrying a knife. Bell had put the knife in her bag "just in case" before going on a blind date earlier that week, her sister and travel companion, Tikisha Bell Gowens, 30, said in The Sunday Star-Ledger of Newark.

Here's a transcript of a later conversation between Bell and a TSA Official:
TSA -- Is that really the only excuse you can come up with for having a knife? Maam, were you trying to hijack the plane?
Bell -- Um, no, the knife was to stab my blind date in the nuts if he didn't pay for the movie.
TSA -- Um, maam, would you like to change your answer?
Bell -- Shit no, it wasn't no matinee. I ain't got $15 to see Jamie Fox try to act like a blind man.

Later, we spoke to Avalon Johnson, Bell's blind date, while he was in post-op at Newark Memorial Hospital:
Johnson: My friends said she was sharp, but I thought they meant something else all together. I just wish I had known the truth before I tried to steal a shrimp off her plate at Long John Silver's.

Bell later complained that airport security sucked. "Suppose someone else had this knife and their motive was to hijack the plane (rather than stab an unsuspecting suitor)?" Bell said. "Come on, now. I had a butcher knife. How do you miss that? How many years do you need to get this right?"

Bell has a point. However, maybe we shouldn't accept points from someone who: (1) put the knife in her purse for a date; or (2) forgot to take it out before flying. A moron calling the idiot stupid, no?

Consig and SMP decided it would be nice of us to provide Bell with some alternative excuses for the next time she tries to carry a potential murder weapon on a flight. First, she should have just taken it out, put it in the basket with her keys and watch -- acted like she knew what she was doing.
TSA: Maam, what's that?
Bell: That? Ain't you ever seen a butcher knife?
Bell then could have gone in one of two possible directions:
(1) Bell: I brought in case I sit next to someone too chatty on the plane, or a crying baby happens to be sitting behind me. OR
(2) Bell: I don't like the knife and fork they include with the meal. I really like to cut up my Salisbury steak. Plus, the the food on planes is usually somewhere near frozen. I need leverage, damnit!

Either of these alternatives is far better than admitting you're one bad date away from a homicide rap.

"Love" Story #2 -- When Pedophilia Has A Happy Ending (Or You CAN Rape The Willing)
SEATTLE - Mary Kay Letourneau plans to marry the former sixth-grade pupil with whom she had two children, months after her release from prison for raping him, according to an online bridal registry.

Letourneau, 43, and Vili Fualaau, 22, set a wedding date of April 16, according to their registry at a department store. Letourneau served 7 1/2 years on a 1997 conviction for raping Fualaau, who has said in the past that he hoped to wed his former teacher. Letourneau was a 34-year-old married mother of four when she began a sexual relationship with her then-12-year-old elementary school student in 1996. She was pregnant with Fualaau's first child when she was arrested in 1997 and ordered to serve a six-month sentence for second-degree child rape. One month after she was released, Letourneau was caught having sex with Fualaau in her car.

Comments on the wedding: "It's been long overdue," Noel Soriano, a friend of the couple, told the Seattle Post-Intelligencer in a story published Monday. "It's going to be fabulous, seeing them get hitched finally. They have gone through a lot," Soriano said. "That they lasted this long proves how strong their love is."

Obviously, this whole situation is beyond fucked up, but two facts beg discussion. First, the Letourneau-Fualaau wedding is registered (yes, like Letourneau herself, but not in a sex-offender registry). What do you get the couple that was brought together by child molestation?
Consig: Bob got them the toaster? Oh, that's nice. I got them the Sesame Street pajamas with the feet, and every Roman Polanski movie ever made.
SMP: That's very heartfelt, and they'll get a lot of use out of those gifts -- good going, Consig. I went in a sexier direction -- I got them something for the bedroom. I found two of those cute little dolls counselors use to find out how a molestation victim was touched, one boy and one girl. That way they can laugh about old times and tell each other what turns them on!

And then there's Noel Soriano . . . we should arrest this guy on pure principle for this statement: "They have gone through a lot; that they lasted this long proves how strong their love is."Ahhh, when pedophilia works out -- it's a beautiful thing.

A love so pure and deep should give all of us hope that one day, we too can find that perfect person -- and that, friends, should warm even the lonliest of hearts this fine Valentine's Day.

-- A rare Consig/SMP collaboration