2007 NBA Draft Diary: PART I

This is the internet. The internet is for porn, blogs with no readership, and outright, unadulterated theft. Last year I stole the Draft Diary idea from Bill Simmons, and this year, Im happy to do it again. Last year was nice. A student, no job, a BBQ and a dog. It's 2007 and it's a different story. I have a job, responsibilities, and an inability to bring this draft to you live. So though the time will be off, the sarcastic comments and constant criticism will be the same as if it were live. With this disclaimer, I bring you the 2007 Draft Diary....

10:33 - Fire up the TiVo, its the dawn of a new era where the draft diary may exist at any time! Just pretent Im watching it live from Kuala Lampur and it will seem just fine. And don't kid yourself, the NBA is huge in Kuala Lampur. I hear the hate Kobe just as much over there.

10:35 - The commish is in the house! We come live from New York, and Frodo Stern insists on introducing the Big Apple as the "home of the Knicks and the Liberty." Clearly, nothing is more depressing then the mere thought of the WNBA. A collection of off-season deli workers and tanning salon attendants missing layups for minimum wage. I am, however, looking forward to when Isiah Thomas trades the Knicks first round pick for Rebecca Lobo and a case of mortadella.

10:36 - Stern looks like a hobbit, and his opening speech is just as ridiculous as his magenta tie. Frodo just declared that today's draft picks have turned a lifetime of "hard work" and "dedication" into the opportunity to "excel" in the NBA. Has he even seen Julian Wright play? He promises 2008 will be one of the best NBA seasons ever. Tough to compete with the sheer delight we all felt watching the Eastern Conference take a collective dump all season.

10:39 - First sight of Greg Oden. I won't give you the typical "Greg Oden is old" joke, but I should mention that his grandfather is wearing a hand-me-down suit from Greg.

10:41 - Our announcing lineup is this: Jay Bilas: The Bilastrator - excels at length, upside, and crapping directly from his own mouth. Mark Jackson - A pleasant delight this year, I may even forgive him for shooting like one of the guys from Double Dribble. Stephen A. Smith - Hatred. Its all I feel. The sooner he leaves my life, the better.

10:42 - Portland has the first pick. Im gonna go out on a limb.....Oden?

10:43 - Im a genius. How am I not working for ESPN??? Mel Kiper has nothing on me. I am the draft expert. I was all over this pick. And to think, I came up with it with absolutely not information, not leadups, no analysis from a single web site. Actually wearing a nice suit. It's long, with upside. Portland will love Oden for the next three years, at which point he will reach the retirement age. I love Oden. He is going to be a star. He has freakish athleticism, and will do nothing but develop. He'll be a cross between Alonzo and Ewing. And he hasn't be carded since he was six.

10:45 - Ah, its Stu Scott....STUMANJI! Stu is the complete package. He's a five-tool tool. Annoying, incomprehensible, unfunny, corny and unfunny. He just asked Oden who looks older, him or LeBron.

Better question, who looks older, Oden or this guy:

10:53 - After a quick pause, the Sonics select Kevin Durant. I love Durant, I really do. But explain to me the difference between Durant and Glenn Robinson? Honestly. Scoring forward, dominated in college, great range, decent rebounder, can't play defense.....check, check, check, check, check. Only difference is that Robinson scored more points in a better league. 30 a game in the Big Ten is like 40 in the run and gun Big 12 as far as I'm concerned. That being said, Durant should be a star. Interview with Stumanji now.....he looks skinnier than Nicole Ritchie during Ramadan.

10:58 - Atlanta on the clock, so finally some drama! Im surprised Billy Knight doesn't have a promise to Glen Davis at this spot already. Atlanta is the first team to employ the strategy of taking BFA - Best Forward Available. It has to be Horford. Billy Knight has Matt Millen on speed dial who is screaming about the importance of being 11 deep at all positions.

11:00 - Yup, it's Horford. Just found out he is from the

Dominican Republic. At least if he can't make it in the NBA,

he can play shortstop.

11:04 - Mike Conley to the Memphis Grizzlies. I LOVE Mike Conley Jr. Let me say that again, I love him. Fast, smart, makes great decisions. No, he can't shoot. But when you can get to the rim like he can, you don't need to shoot. I predict he will be in the hunt for ROY, and he will be a big part of Memphis getting back to the playoffs, or at least being in contention. Memphis might want to draft his dad while they are at it. Check out Mike Conley Sr

11:06 - A trade! Wow, the Celtics get Ray Allen for the #5 pick, Delontee West and Wally Szerbiack. Did I spell that right? No, I didnt. Do I care? No, I don't. The Celtics are suddenly the favorite in the East, a conference where you apparantly only need one good player to make the finals. Celtics take Jeff Green for the Sonics. The first super bust of the draft. I am not a fan. The guy can play, don't get me wrong. But is he the 5th best player in the draft? Not even close. Bilastrator is raving about Green's passing ability. If he does the same thing about Josh McRoberts, who is considered the best passing forward in the draft, he loses all credibility. Good passing is great. But he doesnt score consistently. He doesnt hit the perimeter shot consistently. And he doesn't rebound. Both Bilastrator and Stephen A love the pick.....I rest my case.

11:12 - Stumanji tells us Green is the first Hoya in the top ten in the last ten years. The other one was Mike Sweetney. Illustrious company indeed!

11:13 - Commercial? TiVo disagrees! Bloop....bloop....bloop!

11:13 - Yi is still out there, and Milwaukee loves him. Yi's agents wouldnt let Milwaukee even work him out, and it got to the point that the Chinese government declared Milwaukee a place they didnt want him to go to. Do the Bucks dare?

NO!!!! The Bucks take Yi, and China immediately breaks out their launch codes! Memo to the Bucks: Trade him. Please, do not piss off a world power with nuclear capability and a million man army. We can't even defeat Iraq, what will China do to us? We haven't won a war since what...Grenada? We took that taco stand with surf boards and billy clubs. This is a disaster....Katz says they are keeping him. Another reason to move to Canada.

11:20 - Stu is interviewing Yi, who has the charisma of a lawn chair. I need two translators for this interview. On the brightside, I love his scouting tapes. Check out these moves.

I told you to take Joakim Noah!

11:22 - Stephen A. won't stop yelling. I'm right here Stephen A. I can hear you. Stephen A. The A is for asshole.

11:23 - Wolves on the clock. McHale is bold. Always tries to get worst player available. Frodo announces the pick....Corey Brewer! Wow, a decent pick. Stern just announced the pick with surprise in his voice! That was classic! Even he was shocked they made a good pick. Congrats to Stern who managed to changed the word "Hawes" to "Brewer" in mid sentence. He should fit in well with Ricky Davis as a mentor. They just went to Vitale for his thoughts.....Im lucky, I have trained my brain to tune him out. I will refrain from describing Corey's mom's outfit/makeup. The term tammy faye-esque comes to mind.

11:27 - Holy crap! A shot of Joakim Noah, aka Sanjaya, as we go to commercial. Ill wait till he gets drafted to discuss. I can't even function right now.

11:28 - Bloop bloop bloop

11:29 - Mmmm. Rachel Nichols.

11:33 - Bobcats select Brandon Wright. Awesome. Guy is about 118 lbs soaking wet. First animated skeleton to go lotto. Im really shocked. MJ took a Carolina guy. Is Michael even at the draft? Is he even in the war room? I think the Bobcats management called MJ on the golf course 3 minutes before the pick was due.

Asst GM: Michael, where are you? Its our pick! Who do we take?

MJ: Uh, the...uh.....guy from Carolina?

Asst GM: You mean Brandon Wright? He's available.

MJ: Uh, yeah..yeah! That's the one. Take him. We need an off guard.

Asst GM: Power forward.

MJ: Whatever.

Truth is, Im giving Wright a hard time, but the guy can play. Excellent touch underneath, talent-wise he might be the 3d best player in this draft. Over the long term, I would take Wright over Horford every day of the week and twice on Sunday. If he adds just 20 lbs, he will be a scoring machine. He will never be a traditional 4, but in an uptempo offense, he could do some serious damage.

11:36 - Holy crap. Bulls take Joakim Noah. I wish I could describe his look. Same tux his dad wore to prom. Fro'd out hair that would make Ronald McDonald envious. A bow tie...A BOW TIE! Stern is talking to him now, informing him he is being fined $5,000 for violating the dress code, and for embarassing the league. Making this guy the "face of the franchise" is like hiring a deaf mute as your spokesman.

11:44 - Kings, sporting a slow, white center in Brad Miller go out and get....a slow....white....center! Spencer Hawes to cow town. Congrats to the Kings fans. Someone who can finally matchup with Robert Swift. It appears between the 3d and 10th pick, Billy Knight got fired in Atlanta and signed with the Kings. Tirico just said that Hawes has a "God Bless George Bush" bumper sticker. I look forward to booing him. I guess he loves people who make bad decisions. He'll love the Kings then...

11:47 - Joakim Noah couldn't score 20 points if you locked him alone in a gym. Stephen A hates the pick, which means he will be ROY.

11:49 - Hawks. Gotta get a PG. Acie Law! Holy crap, the Hawks made a smart move. This guy looks smooth. A senior. Good leadership, decent jump shot, smart and composed. The fan in Atlanta will love him. Law won the Bob Cousy award in college last season, and Bilas questions whether or not he is a pure point guard. Interpret that as you will.

I dont care if Acie Law cant see out of his right eye and has a club foot....he isnt Tyronne Lue. Anytime you can replace Tyronne Lue you do it. Id play Al Horford at point before Lue, who decided it wasn't enough to be the worst PG in the league...he had to grow the worst hair in the league while he was at it.

11:57 - Philly takes Thaddeus Young. Im officially bored with this draft. Young is long. He has upside. He has upside length and long potential. Bilas is a walking cliche. I desparately need a bad suit soon, or Im gonna run out of material

11:59 - Bloop bloop. New Orleans selects Julian Wright. Love this guy. If he gave a crap even half the time he'd be the steal of this draft. Good size and quickness, soft touch underneath, and the best passing big man available (Jeff Green who? Shut up Bilas). Should fit in well with that team. Bilas says Wright is best in a full court game. Luckily this is the NBA draft, not Hoop It Up, idiot. Then again, Wright is so disinterested at times, he doesnt cross half court.

12:02 - Shot of Julian Wright and Andy Katz bowling. Katz is officially pathetic. I grew up thinking I wanted to be in sports journalism or management, but in the end, you are a grown man hanging out with kids. Katz looks like the Wooderson cruising the campus, an old ass guy trying to act cool with some 18 years olds. Katz has Jumped the Shark. Ted McGinley should host next year....

12:04 - Clippers up. Ill wait by the phone just in case. They could do worse. No, seriously. They could do worse. Im thinking Nick Young or Al Thornton here, which is perfect, since both are overrated. Would be perfect for the Clips.

12:05 - Al Thornton. Too easy. 23 year old Senior. Took him 4 years to figure out how to score 19 pts a game on a team with no other good players. Needs to improve: Arthritis. I don't see the hype here. Decent highlights, though they just showed him commiting a charge. 14th best player? Hardly. Mark him down for bust city. Seems like a good guy though, so Ill stop ripping on him.

12:08 - I might be wrong, but Ill go out on a limb for the next pick. Pistons will take Morris Almond from Rice. I think he is totally slept on. The next Allen Houston, easily. Would be perfect for Detroit. But the NBA is all about being a sheep. No surprises. The consensus says Rodney Stuckey here, which means you can almost write it down already. Is there anything more predictable than an NBA GM? These guys are a bunch of bubble boys, scared to deviate even the slightest bit from prevailing opinion. More set in their ways than the Rain Man. The next original thought in the NBA will be the first. Just look at the KG trade. It seems so easy, right? Everyone wins, but the Hawks balk at it because they dont want Amare Stoudamire. And that is why they are the Hawks.

12:12 - Wow, Pistons take Stuckey. Im absolutely shocked. Nothing screams lotto like a combo guard from Eastern Washington. Loved the work he did in the tournament. Wait.....he didnt lead them there. That's right...he is good enough for the lottery, but couldnt win the Big Sky. He looks great in these highlights against 6 foot white kids. He should do great at the next level. Definitely an All Star. An NBDL All Star. Enjoy Sioux Falls.