The Election Blog: 2004

Welcome, to the first ever Electoral Blog! We have with us the four housemates: TJ, Sean, Tony and Jon. In addition, we have fellow law students and grads Jaime, Shelly, Nate, Justin, Brian L, and Daphne. It should be intersting as we attempt to bring you the highlights as we discuss and dissect (and dismantle) the candidates and the media who announce their victories and defeats. Enjoy....

6 pm – SMP still perfect in CNN poll

6:01- Lemoine jackassness increasing by minute; Jaime still hungry (Thai food seems eminent)

6:02 - Lemoine on social issue tirade – talking shit about rednecks and that they should die – brings up slavery, segregation – motion to put powers on speaker denied, wisely

6:03 - Judy Woodruff has disgusting waddle – needs work done

6:05 - Decided to get Thai food……..finally

6:06 – Update:
Kerry states – DE, IL, MD, VT, CT, ME, MA, NJ, NY, RI, DC
Bush states (also known as the toothless majority) – AL, GA, IN, KS, NC, SC, OK, SD, ND, TX, VA, WY, KY, TN, WV

6:08 - Nate won’t tell us who he voted for

6:09 - When was Bob Woodward replaced with a wax figure? (TJ) “Woodward looks like one of those puppets from that Phil Collins video.” We are all visibly frightened.

6:10 - I love how the next 4 years the US will still be ruled by people who believe in the legend of Jesus.

6:12 - Room has erupted into anti-Catholic rhetoric – Lemoine would have sex with Big Red, if only to teach her a lesson (“No-one knows what they want until they have had sex.” [we were puzzled as well] Nate would be jealous. [editors note: Big Red was a Christian fundamentalist that we all met in Big Bear during Oktoberfest. Her extremity frightened many, intrigued few. Her affection for Nate has recently been revealed.]

6:17 - Kerry now losing Ohio – fuck

6:18 (TJ) Wondering why we are still voting by pen? Is this the farthest we have come? What the hell year is this? I can order sex toys from a thrift shop in Manchester using the internet and my credit card, but I have to have a bored housewife show me how to force feed a paper ballot into a box. It boggles my mind.

6:22 - (Sean) “I am zero percent worried about terrorism.”

6:22 – It appears that the business class chick from The Apprentice is now giving opinions on senatorial races. Well, not her exactly, but she looks like her. Actually, she looks like a young boy. She also is well versed on the battle between DeMint and Tenenbaum in South Carolina, which means she has way too much time on her hands. Sean is pissed at her for insulting his intelligence. Just put her with the rest…..

6:24 – (Sean) “Nate, you are an anarchist.” Strong words. Then again, Nate is the guy who wanted to run on a platform of “Legalize Rape.” He wasn’t serious, but….wait, I don’t think he was serious.

6:25 – Apprentice-chick just told us that the Hispanic population is growing in Florida. Also, this just in: Water is wet, and the sky is blue. Thanks for that bit of information, Britannica.

6:27 – Nate predicts that this election will come down to Hawaii. There is a motion to annex them from the Union if they screw this up….

6:28 – Lemoine, angry that Nadir took 3 votes from Kerry in Florida (Nadir – deep dark crevice) [editor’s note: nadir was originally a type of Nader, but when we realized how appropriate it was, it remained.]

6:29 – Borat says, “If bush wins, we will take power, we will seize it.”

6:30 - Quote – “Nadir not a factor this year.”

6:31 – Bush takes Bourbon Street – Lemoine more upset this time than first – I threw him some Mardi Gras beads to calm him down [editor’s note: LA was given to Bush by CNN at 6:29. At 6:31 we changed to Fox News, who then gave LA to Bush as well. Brian assumed Bush would get double the votes. We had to convince him that it only counts once, not once for each channel that acquiesces.]

6:32 - Bush takes Mississippi – (Sean) Seriously, abbreviate you fucking redundant name. Faulkner would throw up that you’ve kept it that long.

6:33 - Nice to see JoPa is running in PA – his coaching career is clearly over. [editor’s note: Candidate Paterno is running for a house seat in PA. Clearly not the coach at first glance, but seeing as he is getting his ass kicked, we aren’t ruling it out.]

6:36 – (Sean) “I don’t see how people can vote Republican. Ever.”

6:37 – Lemoine just called Shelly, “Shelby.” He is clearly intoxicated.

6:39 – (Sean) “If Bush win, I have to either leave the country, or take up arms.” That seems to be the consensus view. We can’t wait to book flights to Europe. Perhaps Canada will take us, eh? Not sure. I’m not much of a hockey player.

6:42 – (Sean) “Republicans make me hate God.” (TJ) Clearly the greatest quote thus far tonight. Sure, it’s radical, but it’s legit. These bible thumpers, insisting on mixing church and State. I’m pretty sure we are not supposed to do that. I could be wrong, but, yes, I’m pretty sure I read that somewhere.

6:45 – (All) How is it possible that Bush, in 2000, beat a guy just barely, then had four years of absolutely terrible leadership, and now, MORE people are voting for him, and he is running against a better candidate? Is the United States that stupid? Are people that uninformed? Something is going terribly wrong here. An incumbent, who ignored a report about possible terrorist bombings, which lead to 3000 deaths. An incumbent, who took us into a war that has killed 1000 more people, chasing false reports the entire time, and clearly operating like a cowboy on his own agenda. And incumbent, who supports using the Constitution to ban such a trivial thing as gay marriage. We are all sitting here, mouths agape, staring into the bearded visage of Wolf Blitzer, asking “Why Wolf? Why?”

6:47 - Unfortunately, JoPa is losing in the election too. Concession speech I am sure went, “Well, we had a two vote lead, but couldn’t capitalize.”

6:48 - Shot of the entire Bush family in the yellow room of the white house. Privilege never looked so bad. At least the Kennedy clan had class.

6:49 - Nebraska to Bush, but the Huskers still lost 70-10 to Texas Tech, so the world is still at balance.

6:51 - Lemoine renounces his faith. Sean is going to email the Vatican Lemoine’s notice of voluntary excommunication. Lemoine is now a good hour away from becoming a Muslim. He vows a jihad by 9 pm.

6:55 - Republican party is Nazi party marching around with their signs. [editor’s note: this refers to those Aryan nation children in the back of the CNN studio holding up their Bush signs like there is an SS Agent holding a Lugar to their heads.]

6:56 - Novak cannot swallow his spit. He’s like a boxer in his corner. He must have a spit funnel between shots.

6:57 - Next poll closing in 45 seconds. Lemoine ticking time bomb.

6:59 – Thai food is here. Bye bye Sean. TJ on the mic now…..

7:00 – Lemoine is now heckling the entire state of Utah for being virgins. Sodom and Gomorrah could vote Republican, and Lemoine would heckle them…..(Brian: “But at least those people are open minded.”)

7:03 – (TJ) The good thing is, even if Bush wins according to CNN, we can always check with Brokaw, who might report the opposite.

7:04 – We are listening to a Kerry guy (Joe Lockhart) with the Kerry campaign thoughts on the swing states: Believe that Ohio will swing toward the Kerry party; Belief that Florida will swing. Odd. How very shocking. Republicans are equally upbeat about the future. Great. Great reporting. These are valuable excerpts CNN is giving us.

7:07 –
Who will run in ’08 for the Republicans?
Brian, Sean – Guliani
TJ – Powell
Shelly – McCain (but doesn’t believe it)
Nate – Ahnold (or McCain) [Arnold can’t run. It is illegal. Nate receives 2 demerits.]

If Kerry loses, who runs in ’08 for Democrats?
Shelly, Brian – Hillary Clinton
TJ – Baraka Obama
Sean – No clue
Nate – Clinton?

7:09 – Brian just called Glenda Hilliot (sp), the head of the voting system in Florida, a “vag”

7:12 – There seems to be a problem between Brian and Nate. Brian doesn’t think Clinton was way off in lying about his sexual relations with Monica. This is clearly the most sexually explicit discussion on politics ever engaged in. We are still not sure what the exact definition of sexual intercourse is, but we have some suggestions.

7:14 – The discussion between Brian and Nate has degenerated.
Brian: “Bush kills Americans! Bush kills Americans!”
Nate: “Hitler killed Jews, so what!”
Brian: “Hitler never got re-elected!!”

7:15 – Brian hates all the southern redneck states for voting for Bush. He is also angry that the majority of these states have sodomy laws that outlaw everything by the missionary position. For many of is, this is a non-issue, seeing as we are all currently celibate. Brian, it seems, hasn’t had sex in 4 years. Let me write that again…..4 years. The shock hasn’t sunk in yet.

7:18 – Barak Obama is giving his victory speech. We are all excited for the future of this guy. Former Constitutional law professor, which of course, we like. He sounds like a good man and a good politician. By the way, Obama is beating Keyes 76% to 24%. This is a battle like it’s a battle between a hammer and a nail.

7:21 – TJ just made a toothless southerner joke. I thought it was still in vogue in this room, but I missed the window. It failed like Keyes.

7:22 - Nate and Witmer are just the assholes who fuck with everyone

7:27—TJ angry with countrymen requiring support for Bush if Kerry loses. He’s had 4 years of practice hating Bush. Why would he stop now?

7:29—Brian accuses Jim Bunning (KY) of having “all-timers disease.”

7:30 – We are convinced that Larry king has been dead for four years, and is clearly running on batteries at this point. Apparently, he goes to the same wax figure guy as Woodward.

7:32 – (Sean) fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

7:33 - Bush 69, Kerry 31 in Utah – bright side, first 69 in Utah history

7:36 - Daily Show – a biological study shows that there is shit all over voting booths (actual feces) – unnerving, yet seems appropriate given the state of politics.

7:41 - Skogen – “Is it done?” Up on current events, eh?

7:42 - Skogen – Did PA go to Bush?

7:43 – Exchange:
Lemoine: “Everyone with a job in OH votes for Kerry.”
Jaime: “You don’t have a job, and you voted for Kerry.”
Lemoine – “I retract.”
[editor’s note: Retraction noted. Retraction denied.]

7:51 – Kerry is way ahead in PA, and they are calling it. This is huge. But we gotta get Ohio or Florida I think, and both are going to be tough. Brian is calling Ohio, but that is far from a ringing endorsement.

7:53 – Sean is lighting the gas fireplace. We might lose a team member here. Someone dial up Ladder 49. Here goes the match……the whiff. No fire. Match two……strike two. Match three…….success! Turns out it was just missing…..gas. Imagine that.

7:55 – Just got to CNN. Oh man, are they biased. After announcing that Ohio looked good for Bush early on, the moderator just said that Ohio would “count all their votes. How quaint.” Quaint? Yeah, how old fashioned of them to want to figure out who actually won…

7:56 – (TJ) James Carville would make an ugly skeleton.

7:57 – Damn these Republicans. They have trotted out all of these teenage girls, white as the driven snow, blonde hair, big happy smiles. Do they have any idea what they are supporting. I don’t think so. It is so ridiculous for them to be there, supporting Republican views, when by the time they are college juniors they will be raving liberals, smoking enough dope to get a horse high.

8:03 – This just in: Five voting booths at UCSD tonight at 5 pm, with a 3 hour line. I think Afghanistan voted faster in their premier election. [editor’s note: Speaking of which, do they have similar election coverage by Afghani CNN? “We are going to call Cave 12 for Mohammed. 85% are reporting, and we are going to give Cave 12 to Mohammed. That puts him in the clear lead and…..wait, this just in, Mohammed has been killed.”

8:05 - Oregon is going to have 50 percent of their votes counted tonight – good effort guys, this isn’t important or anything.

8:08 - In reference to 7:56 entry – James Carville IS an ugly skeleton

8:09 - Take the remote away from the drunk (Lemoine)

8:10 - Fuck people who want to cut down trees

8:11 - Shelly with this exclusive – Puffy voted. (one life saved…..)

8:12 - TJ explains sarcasm to miss facetious, Jaime, of all people

8:15 - Lemoine celebrates stem cell research victory for California………1% of precincts reporting. Lemoine’s celebration more premature than a stem cell sample.

8:19 - Lemoine cannot see the 2000 point font to the right of Wolf Blitzer’s head. Someone get this man a health care plan.

8:20 – Exchange
Sean – “TJ, why do you have to be such a fucking cocksucker.”
TJ: “I have no choice.”

8:21 - TJ calls Lemoine “Negative Nelly”

8:22 - Nadir just said, “Anything is better than Bush.” – weird way to show it you fucking idiot.

8:23 - Lemoine apologizes about being wrong about Iowa – Jaime ripped him a new asshole for breaking out misinformation.

8:26 – (Sean) “Lemoine, you are a wealth of misinformation.”

8:28 – Lemoine did a jig when Kerry won New Hampshire. Does he even know they have like ½ electoral votes? He just exclaimed that if Kerry doesn’t win Ohio, Pennsylvania and Florida, he loses. Brian believes he needs all three. (been saying that for 4 hours)

8:29 – Sean is going out on a limb, stating that if Bush wins 270+ electoral votes, he will win. We are all anxiously awaiting to see if such a prediction is true…

8:31 – Lemoine is taking a beating for not cleaning up his garbage. Brian’s reaction: “Everyone is turning against me because they know I’m right.” One problem, no one knows what Brian thinks he’s right about. Memo to Bud Light: Good news, the beer works.

8:32 – Tony is on the board with a totally unrelated joke. Q: What do Michael Jackson and a silver-medalist have in common? A: They both came in a little behind.
TJ: “Should I blog that?”
Sean: “I am totally against child molestation jokes.”
TJ: “No. You aren’t.”
Sean: “Right. Blog it.”

8:33 – So Brian, dedicated student and recent recipient of a JD, is now living in a home with wheels. I’d love to say it was an RV, but it is, in fact, a pick-up truck with a shell on it. This is causing worry amongst the group, for combining Brian’s drinking habits with his current habitat could make him “short for this world.” This blog will take off once young Brian can start bringing girls “home.” He’ll actually be able to take them home in the morning without having to wake them up.

8:38 – Lemoine is vacillating. Any slight movement in the wrong direction and he has a mini-heart attack. It’s like having Dick Cheaney in the room during an episode of Will and Grace.

8:40 – Brian is driving the TV, and just swerved a little. Seems getting on him was a bad idea. Brian: “One mistake, why do you have to bust my balls all night?!?!?” TJ: “That’s what we do!”

8:45 – Memo to McClure in Idaho à QUIT POLITICS. The current race for Senate in Idaho reads as follows: Crapo 54,800; McClure 315

8:45 – Candy Crowley is on TV right now, and she is making my skin crawl(ey). One person described her as “Carney Wilson, pre-stomach stapling.” I suggested perhaps they stapled C. Wilson’s stomach onto her…..

8:52 Lemoine’s question: Who is more likely to kill a race of people – Democrats or Republicans. Room – We are without speech.

8:53 POLL
Who is most likely to kill a race of people – Dems or Reps?
Shelly, Justin, Jaime, Sean – Republicans
TJ, Nate, Witmer, Tone, Daphne – Libertarians
FINAL TALLY – 4 Reps; 5 Libertarians; 0 Democrats
[editor’s note: clearly the most ridiculous exchange initiated by Brian Lemoine up till now.]

8:59 - Lemoine proposes 60% tax. Nate counters with 99% tax, and a $100 per week allowance for all Americans to spend as they wish. “As long as I get health care, “ demands an unfazed Lemoine.

9:06 – We are convinced that Lemoine wants Bush to win in the same way that some people poison their kids for attention.

9:08 - Karen Hughes is wearing a tweed coat with a matching color tweed flower (that looks like a tweed koosh ball) and leather elbow patches. She is also sporting a flesh colored mic that looks like a little penis.

9:09 - I don’t get people that stand in the background and try to see themselves on TV – with the explosion of cable television, it’s harder to not be on TV.

9:12 – NEWSFLASH: Lemoine has officially called the election for Bush.

9:13 - Does Lemoine hate Bush or Ron Zook more – Bush, because he will destroy

9:14 - Idaho Senate Update – Crapo (R) 122,657 99%; McClure (D) 635 1%

9:15 Candy Crowley looks like a head floating on a pile of coal. She’s seriously gained wait since her last appearance on the telecast (15 minutes ago)

9:17 - Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls, Judy “Left Eye” Woodruff (actually she has one bag under one eye) [editor’s note: is this what happens when you are half-asleep?]

9:18 Barack Obama – Good political career possibilities until that Bin Laden dude killed his name. [(TJ) “I like Obama, a lot. It’s going to really suck when he gets assassinated.”]

9:19 - Escondido safety bond going down – tragedy

9:25 – TJ: “Oh, Brit Hume….Why the long face?”

9:29 - I care about southern house races, I really do – but can we project some more presidential numbers please?

9:35 – George Will is NOT wearing a toupee. No really, tell yourself that over and over again, and you may begin to believe it. There is also a Santa Clause and compassionate conservatives.

9:39 - Shit talking resumes as Wittmer calls Lemoine the 5th roommate - Everyone oooohs…..

1:02 am – UPDATE: TJ, Sean and Nate all went and played indoor soccer. That vote is in, and it isn’t too close to call: We stink. No recount needed. TJ typing at ya now, watching the election coverage alone. Lemoine has gone to bed, as has Sean. Everyone is home, and sleepy. I remain, anxious to see if Kerry gets Wisconsin. As it stands, Bush leads 254 electoral votes to 242. Basically, we need Wisconsin and Ohio, which is like counting on your two stoner friends to pick you up. It may happen, but you just can’t count on them to do the right thing. Some highlights since we got home:

*Lemoine has given up on caring about politics and America in general. We are all very disappointed in this country for voting based on meaningless religious matters (gay marriage and abortion), rather than firing a man who clearly made a mockery of his office. The last President to do such a bad job was Carter, and he was ousted immediately. We really could have used some of that common sense this time around.
*What is going on in Ohio? Clearly, Democratic voters out there were spooked and didn’t show. There is talk now about Kerry conceding, which is ludicrous. There are 300,000 provisional ballots yet to be counted, and you can bet that a majority of them are minorities and students, who all traditionally vote Democratic.

*Great to see how unbiased Fox and CNN are. CNN has been better, but it is disappointing to see media institutions like these take sides. What has gone unnoticed by many has been the various media talking heads wearing their political affiliation on their sleeve – or more clearly, as their sleeve. Blue ties and red ties are the norm on every station, with the occasional purple tie worn by those unable to take a side. (or as we call them, idiots)

*Whether you are Democrat or Republican, just know this: A Bush victory is bad for us all. Sure, those of you with economic interests in the election will be the beneficiaries, but at the expense of the greater good. As many as 4 Supreme Court seats may need to be filled in the next four years (Rhenquist, Ginsburg, Stevens, O’Connor), and if Bush leads the charge to fill them, we will have an extremely conservative, right wing group of judges deciding matters of Constitutional Law. The thought of a bench full of Scalias and Thomas’ is a shaky proposition. I can feel my rights constricting already. As for the actual work we can expect out of the President, we can expect (a) to remain in Iraq much longer than we should; (b) an amendment outlawing gay marriage (an issue that clearly belongs in the hands of the states); (c) increased legislation making a women’s right to choose illegal: (d) increasingly lax environmental laws (drilling in Alaska will happen soon); (e) a continued deficit, with the likelihood of an increase; (f) zero social security reform, meaning you and I are on our own; (g) increased foreign policy problems, and the likelihood that we will be ostracized by the global community (start learning Chinese everyone, they will be #1 shortly). There are a litany of other problems we as a country face, but who has time to talk about them all. I am very disappointed in everyone that voted for this nitwit, and refused to admit what a horrible job he has done. It amazes me, his dad did a very good job, and got voted out of office. This knucklehead does one of the worst jobs in history, and actually gains votes. As I have said before, it boggles the mind.

*Quick note: Daschle lost in South Dakota, and that is totally inexcusable.
*Quick note 2 (final note): Crapo 372,000 – McClure 2,000
*Quick note 3 (2:03 am): We got Wisconsin!!! This is great news. It is all about Ohio now (even though there is a close enough vote in at least four other states that need a recount.) Come on Buckeye state, don't let me down.....Keep hope alive!

Good night……