Thank Heavens.....

I was perusing a radio station today looking for a show I get off of a separate internet feed. Turns out this is a very alternative radio station, with all the goofy stuff you would expect, all of the Frederick Funkenstein's Jazz Trip kind of shows littering its menu of choices. The show that struck my fancy was Amazon Radio. This show says that it caters to the "black lesbian feminist" as the host and her two life partners discuss pertinent issues. Is there a more narrow demographic on the face of the earth? I can imagine listening to a show about black issues, or lesbian issues, or feminist issues - but all three? The problem with this show is that it is broadcast out in New England, which means that the entire demographic for the show, all of the people who would be interested in it, are already hosting! Great show. The only people who would even consider listening to it, are the people that are running it. Unless they tape it, then go home and listen to it later, Im guessing the listenership is in the 0's. I wonder what else this new age media mogul is blasting to the masses:

The Morning Mommy Update: An entire show devoted to talking about the benefits of the mid-wife. If you are so archaic you are giving birth in your craftmatic sleeper, Im not sure you even have a radio.

Short Story Time: Short stories are read to you. Unless you are blind, this is just plain lazy. Read a book.

The White Rose Political Calendar: A report on key events in your area, including important protests that you may want to join. Dude, if you are just looking for protests, you are a sad, demented person. If it means something to you, you will find out at the meetings or in the newsletter. Can you imagine some guy, listening, and writing down protests like he is filling out his class schedule? Hmm, anti-fur demonstration on Tuesday....sounds good. I can make that. Anti-abortion on Wed? I'll have to change my dentist appointment, but Ill pencil that in. What was that? Save the ferrets? Damnit, Friday morning! I have my walk against polio and then my bake sale for victims of priest abuse. So many decisions!

The Bob Ottey Show: This is a straight forward show featuring George Clinton-type funk. However, the guy is labeled "The Funkmeister." Its not exactly what I said, but damn, that was just too easy....

Radio LaKaye: All Haitian music. This show must be 9 minutes long.

Soundchecks: Its host, Walter Waggoner, brags of being a roadie for Puerto Rican folk "rocker" H. Punto. Ok, first, can a folk singer rock? Second, we now have a finalist for the annual "Most Obscure Person" award. This is like people who brag they saw a celebrity in public. Wow! Really? You actually saw them? Or worse, wayyyyyy worse. Has anyone ever bragged to you that a celebrity was at the same bar or place as them? "Yeah, I was at the Free Tibet concert. I hear John Tesh was there too!" Wow, you are practically a celebrity, man!

Literary Discord: A show about book publishing. Im not making this up. Better yet, it runs for half an hour. Between the introduction and the closing and the commercials, Im guessing the show is like 4 minutes long. This post is already longer than that guys' show. Odds that he is a barista at Starbucks when he isn't working on radio: 100%

The Quest: Calls itself the weekly search for truth, beauty and intensity. It runs from 2 to 6 am. There is no beauty at that hour. At that hour, Im on the search for ass, burritos, and South Park reruns.

Ray Terlaga Show: Every other week he provides the AIDS update. This week's update: "AIDS. Still bad."

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Also, I was in the shower this morning (calm down, ladies) and I ran out of conditioner. So, I borrowed a squirt of Pert from whoever was nice enough to leave their 7 gallon drum of a bottle in there for me. What a fantastic invention! Oh thank you Pert, thank you! No longer am I to be inundated with the torturous hell of lather-rinse-repeat, only to realize, I have to apply conditioner as well! Now, I am free to lather-rinse-repeat but one time, thanks to the ingenious people who created a shampoo that also conditions. How freaking lazy do I have to be to need these "dual" products? I once saw peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. I mean, come on. Who is so lazy they are saying, "I want a pb and j, but Im not gonna open two jars! I just don't have that kind of time." Why not just skip the bread, dump some croutons in there, and eat sandwiches with a spoon....

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Memo to Friend Guy: It dawned on me that if you are sharing a bed with chicks so drunk they are fertilizing your mattress, chances are that even if things did "escalate", it wasn't going to be a harlequin romance novel anyways. Im guessing you were slightly RIPPED too, which means you would have spent a good couple of late night hours trying to accomplish the equivalent of pushing a marshmallow into a coin slot....