Message to My Unborn

Feeling very paternal for some reason. Read someon's list of the things they learned from their father, and I got to thinking, "What would I teach my son?" Here are 100 things I'd make sure he knew, our of at least a 1000 I'd plan on teaching.....


100 things my son should know:
1. Always adjust the line 3 points in the direction of the home team. If the home team is favored by 3, its a pick 'em.
2. In Boggle, once you find a word, double check for an "s" at the end of it to make another word.
3. In dominoes, never start scoring until someone gets 10. And never slam a 5 pointer.
4. Zone defense is for the Patriot League. Real men play man-to-man.
5. We all take a beating now and then.
6. We aren't all good at writing poetry. A girl will be just as touched if you copy something, so long as you pick a good one. "roses are red" is not poetry. When in doubt, Shakespeare's Sonnet #18 always works.
7. A girl will appreciate a well thought out mix CD. A bad mix CD will do more harm than good.
8. You will never work a day in your life if you love your job.
9. If you dont love your job, at least make a comfortable living. If you are doing neither - get a new job.
10. I will love you no matter what.
11. Good defense and a sound run game will always beat a flashy air attack. This rule applies to life and football.
12. You will get your heart broken. Expect it. But you will be better for it.
13. Cut your hair. No one likes a hippy.
14. I know you don't care about her outfit, but she does. Compliment it.
15. A man is best judged by the condition of the back of his shoes. If he cares enough about that, it means you can trust him for his word.
16. Don't lie.
17. You won't go blind. Everyone does it, so don't be ashamed. Just don't get caught - no one wants to see that.
18. Get a job. You will better appreciate everything you pay for yourself.
19. Always be on time (do as I say, not as I do)
20. Respect women. If all you wanna do is lie to get in her pants, it makes you less of a man, regardless of what your friends say. If they have that opinion, they shouldn't be your friends.
21. A good changeup is the best pitch you can learn, and it won't hurt your arm.
22. Always box out and always follow your shot.
23. Unless its played in England, soccer stinks.
24. Get an education, no matter what. If not for a better career, then to be a better person. No one likes a moron.
25. Don't buy an 80,000 dollar car before you buy a house.
26. Nothing in this world is more overpriced than hotel rooms and footwear.
27. Always open doors and always say thank you when opened for you.
28. Always keep your mouth shut, and never rat on your friends, until it becomes a matter of life and death.
29. Avoid jail. Its hell on earth.
30. There are no bad foods....just bad portions.
31. Shave with the grain, then go back over it in the opposite direction. Always soften your beard with hot water first.
32. Dont wax your chest. You arent a model or a porn star.
33. Dont shave your legs. You arent a swimmer.
34. When you are at the barber, have them trim your eyebrows. They will do it for no extra charge.
35. When with a woman, take care of her first. Trust me, you'll get yours. There is no rush.
36. Cut your nails, shower daily, use q-tips and lotion. You don't have to be a metrosexual, just be clean.
37. Good looking people get away with alot more, and are hired much more often. Its just a fact. Be prepared to deal with it either way.
38. Learn to cook. You'll impress her, and feed yourself.
39. Speak a different language. It doesnt even have to be useful, just wake up your mind.
40. There is room to be a jock and a nerd. Don't let people label you either way.
41. Never throw the first punch, unless someone spits on you. Then its ok. Always value respect. Fighting is sometimes a necessary option.
42. Respect your elders, to a point. It is ok to question their values. One should not be allowed to be ignorantly hateful, regardless of age.
43. We are all the same. Hating different races, sexes, ages, or sexualities makes you less of a person. I won't tolerate it in my house.
44. When someone invites you over for an event, never arrive empty handed.
45. Always call your friends' parents "Mr." and "Mrs." until they say its ok to do otherwise. Even then, keep doing it.
46. It's ok to laugh when people fall. That shit is funny.
47. Always root for your alma mater, no matter how bad they are.
48. Pick a local team to root for. Don't be a bandwagon fan, ever. If you missed the boat, so be it. Stick with your team no matter how bad they are. Jumping from team to team is a sign of bad character.
49. Dress warm. The guy at the Packers game with his shirt off may get TV time, but he also gets pneumonia.
50. The blue sport coat goes with everything. No wardrobe is compelte without one.
51. If you aren't in school, you should never go a week without a job. Take the most menial task available, if you have to. Just get paid for something. The world needs ditch-diggers too.
52. No body likes a bad drunk. If you cant hold your alcohol, either cut back, or stop altogether. Your friends will not invite you out after a while.
53. You don't bet on teams in baseball, you bet on the starting pitchers.
54. Always split aces. NEVER split tens.
55. Don't take "third base" at the blackjack table unless you know what you are doing. People get shot over stuff like that.
56. If you are losing, get up and change tables. There are no rules that say you have to stay there.
57. There is a big difference betwen getting revenge and a reckoning. Revenge is petty. A reckoning is fated....
58. Don't vote party lines. Have an opinion.
59. Take care of your eyes, your ears, and your teeth.......you'll miss them when they are gone.
60. Question authority.
61. If you have holes in your socks or underwear, get new ones. Have some class for crying out loud.
62. If you aren't in on the joke, dont pretend you are. And if you arent part of the conversation, don't ask what the people are talking about. If they wanted you to know, they would have told you.
63. Combovers, mullets and ponytails all look bad. No one digs that shit. No one.
64. When you open her car door, if she doesnt reach over and unlock your door, dump her.
65. Dont screw your best friend's girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, or sister. There are plenty of girls out there, and that's just not cool. Save yourself the drama.
66. Don't talk back to your mother. She doesn't ever deserve it, and it will break her heart. If you want to be a little jerk, yell at me.
67. Sometimes it's ok to just say "I don't know."
68. Don't do drugs. If you have to try something, I understand. Never try anything harder than weed. Never.
69. Don't idolize anyone. You are as good as the rest of the world. We are all just human beings with different talents.
70. The meaning of life is love.
71. I don't know what the perfect religion is....but Im pretty sure you can rule out Mormons.
72. Red with meat. White with fish. No exceptions.
73. Fight for what you believe in, regardless of the costs.
74. Always hit the cut off man.
75. You don't need a reason to buy flowers.
76. Open doors, pull out chairs, pay the check, walk her to her door, offer her your coat. Chivalry is not dead. If she insists you not do those things, she's not worth being with.
77. Don't join a frat. You don't need to pay fees to have friends. If you want to, hire an escort.
78. Dont drive a Jetta or Sciracco, or any other "chick car." Just don't do it. And don't drink Zima. Don't believe the metrosexual crap - girls still like masculine guys.
79. I don't care what you are in to. Just don't "express" yourself with 100 piercings, green hair and goth makeup. All of those kids are expressing themselves.....and the message is, Im an idiot with no self esteem.
80. If you are gonnag et a tattoo, make sure it means something, otherwise you will always hate it.
81. They aren't always looking for a solution to their problems. If you woman talks to you, just listen. That's all she needs sometimes.
82. Work at your relationship. If you don't make your lady happy......someone else will. I promise.
83. Get good insurance. Start a 401(k). Take an accounting class, regardless of your major. Basic financial planning is a skill very few people have, and EVERYONE needs. Always make sure you are a step ahead of everyone else.
84. Don't grow a mustache unless you are a porn star or from Chicago. Otherwise, it looks odd.
85. If you are bald or have gray hair...live with it. Adjust. But dont start coloring, getting plugs, or wearing a rug. You aren't fooling anyone.
86. If your friends don't like her, she probably isn't right for you. They know you better than you know yourself.
87. Nobody likes a hack. If you aren't funny, don't make jokes. You just kill an otherwise good time.
88. Guys in general already have a bad reputation. Don't add to it.
89. If you are gonna drink, get a ride. If you are gonna have sex, use protection. If you're gonna do both, you're in college. Have a good time.
90. Take away the money, the education, the skills, the material goods - in the end, you are only as good as your word. A man with no character is not a man. Live life that way, and avoid people who don't meet that criteria.
91. Separate your whites from your darks. And iron your shirts, if you have time. If not, at least throw them in the dryer before putting them on.
92. The best CD to get busy to is Jodeci's Forever My Lady.
93. If you ever have a little sister, protect her with your life. That is your job.
94. Crystal Hot Sauce makes everything taste better.
95. Size doesn't really matter, but it helps. Plan accordingly.
96. Learn table manners.
97. Write down your feelings. It doesn't have to be good.....just cathartic.
98. Brush your tongue.
99. Your socks should match your pants, not your shoes.
100. I brought you into this world, and I'll take you out.