It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you...

...without a dope blog to step to.

Tis I, the Consigliari, finally back in the mix. I have been gone for so long! I wish I had a better excuse than the real one, but I just couldn't come up with one. You see, my cherubs, the Consigliari is in love. I know, I know, say it aint so. Ladies, let me just say that a choice has been made, and thanks to all who applied. I will pass your resumes on to my assistant, the house midget. Now, while love is a many splendored thing, it is not conducive to effective blog writing. The blog writer, to properly sate the rabid appetites of his readership, must rely on cynicism, ire, spite and utter disdain for the human population. In a cruel twist of fate, love nullifies all of these things. One is left with things like hope, optimism, and a picture of the world through rose colored glasses - hardly the building blocks of comedy. Honestly, who is funnier: George Carlin or Barney? Louis Black or Mr. Rogers? I rest my case....
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Have I told you about my new money making venture? It is quite lucrative. I am planning on selling "No Soliciting" signs door-to-door. Sure, the drawback is no repeat business, but the selling technique is flawless.

ME: Sir, would you like to buy a No Soliciting sign?
SHUT-IN: No.
ME: Ok. See you tomorrow.
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Was at Starbucks with my new PIC (Partner In Crime, heretofore referred to as "Ace"). Ace goes there everyday, drops her 5.50 on a ventilowfatsugarfreevanillalatte, and it occurred to me that the drinks are probably priced in unison with the various pay scales of the baristas (aka "bean monkeys"). I wonder, is Sally Struthers running Starbucks now? This reeks of the "Adopt a Child" program she has been hawking during episodes of Saved By the Bell: The College Years and re-reruns of Golden Girls on Lifetime. I think this is a great marketing scheme. Make you feel like you are really getting value for your 5 dollar cup of coffee. "Please, buy Starbucks lattes. With just your 5 dollars a day, we can send this young barista to a community college or a cosmotology school. Every month, your barista will write you a letter and send pictures. Here's Beverly, a former meth addict. This photo was taken in her studio apartment, enjoying the ramen noodles your 5 dollars helped buy. And here is Keith. This one was taken at the Olive Garden, where he was able to dine after his adoptive caffeine-addict splurged on a lemon bar." It's genius, and I am willing to take but an agent's cut of the profits...