Hard Hitting Analysis

Reprinted with permission from myself:

Nothing ruins a weekend quicker than being the late guy to the bar. It sucks so bad to wait in line, get to the bar, and your friends are all wobbly, drunk out of their skulls. It's like, I cant possibly catch up. And if you stay, then you are the sober guy. And when you are the sober guy in a room full of drunk people, you want to open fire with an automatic weapon. When you are drinking, then everyother person is awesome, no matter if they are sober or drunk. But when you are sober, no one is more annoying than a drunk person. That's why no one wants to go out without a friend. At least one other person needs to be on the same drinking schedule for it to be a good time. You need to hit your 5 Stages of Intoxication at the same pace. Lets review:

Stage 1: The Starting Line - you crack that first drink. Its ice cold, the sun might still be up, but starting to move down. Every drink is a cheers to life, friends, whatever. The only topic of conversation is the future drinking to be done. Certain levels of intoxication are promised, and pacts are made. We will be trashed! you exclaim, it's gonna be great. Well, no, no it isnt, but we keep telling ourselves that as the opening night case dwindles.

Stage 2: Lubricated - the alcohol is starting to work. You arent buzzed yet, but you can "feel it." You know this because you turn to your buddy and say, "I'm not buzzed, but Im feeling it." At this point, everything is becoming fun. Smiles around, jokes, laughing. It is the start of the apex of the evening. At this point, it's time to go out. Your inhibitions are evaporating, but you are still lucid enough to have an intelligent conversation, and to convince a striking blonde with her cleavage popping out of her turtleneck that you are, in fact, an international spy or a producer. Time to go!

Stage 3: Buzzed - you are getting drunk. You are now at the absolute zenith of fun in the night. It's late, but still relatively early in regards to how much longer you will be out. You begin looking at your watch every 15 minutes and exclaiming in utter disbelief, "It's only _____ o'clock!" You have reached a point in the night where everything is perfect. The balance between the crowd, the taste of the drinks, your drunkedness, the amount of friends with you, it has all come to a head. It is the drinking nirvana. And, best of all, if you are single, it is the point where there are still available women in the bar. The odor of desperation has yet to creep into your nose.

Stage 4: Drunk - ok, now you are too fun. You are walking slightly side to side. You are using the restroom very frequently, and the lines are getting longer. The drinks are no longer tasting as good, and you have lost track of your tab. You are starting to buy 10 shots of Johnny Walker Black Label, screaming incredulously, "Put it on my tab!" The repurcussions will be felt for weeks. Whatever cash you once had has evaporated. The women are all taken. You are searching frantically to get someone to dance with you, but it's hopeless. Having missed the window, there is but one thing to do: drink more. Its late now, but you have an hour or two to enjoy. Half of your friends have left. Unidentified liquids appear in the form of softball sized stains on your sleeves and pant legs. Your speech is getting fuzzy, and you are saying things you wouldnt normally say. At this point, you will do one of two things for the next hour: (a) dance with a mediocre looking girl to music you absolutely hate, like trance or house, desparately trying to convince her that she should come over, or (b) sit down, order the strongest drink you can think of (invariably, Long Island Ice Tea) and get into a heated debate with your remaining, equally drunk friend, about who your team should sign in free agency.

Stage 5: The Curb - at this point, you will either end up standing on the curb, or lying on it. You have signed your tab, which has a number on it you were unable to decipher and will be shocked to read tomorrow. It is possible you just forgot the tab, and will have to return the next day to get your card. Bouncers are screaming to go home as you shuffle out like cattle. Someone behind you is giving the, "I paid for this drink, Im not leaving til its done." routine, or the "You close at 2! I can stay till 2!" argument. This argument is soon replaced by the "You dont own the sidewalk." argument out in front of the establishment. You now must find your friends. If you can, you will be either riding home with them, riding home with people they met, or getting left behind to find your own way home. Luckily, the Curb stage has you at a point where you are granted superhuman powers. One power is the ability to get a cab ride home, no matter how drunk you are. Somehow, you will wake up in your bed tomorrow, with no idea how. Or, you will use your power of walking and navigation. People at this level of intoxication develop the ability to trek extremely long distances without getting lost. Amazingly, it works in any city, whether you have been there or not.

At this point, you enter the 6th stage, which is a wild card. You either go to Your Place or Mine Stage, Put in a DVD and Fall Asleep Stage, or the most popular, Taco Joint Stage. Be warned that choosing Taco Joint Stage leaves open the possibility of Fight Club Stage which leads to Why Does My Hand Hurt so Much in the Morning Stage.